Apollo

“And yet I knew that if I had a family, if I could complain about rising school fees as the children of their friends did, then I would not visit them so regularly. I would have nothing for which to make amends.”

Okenwa’s remark about needing to “make amends” provides early insight into his character. It highlights his sense of guilt and failure, as well as his view of caring for others as a transactional arrangement. It is also the first foreshadowing of his orientation, as he feels he must apologize to his parents for not bringing home a wife or giving them grandchildren.

“Reading did not do to me what it did to my parents, agitating them or turning them into vague beings lost to time, who did not quite notice when I came and went.”

Okenwa cannot find the same joy in books that his parents do, and no matter how hard they try to mold him into a literature-loving intellectual like themselves, he will never fit in that role. The passage suggests that there is something inherent in Okenwa’s personality that makes it impossible for him to react to books as his parents would like. In the same way, Okenwa’s orientation is something inherent to him that cannot be changed, no matter the expectations of his parents and society as a whole.

“I sometimes felt like an interloper in our house. My bedroom had bookshelves, stacked with the overflow books that did not fit in the study and the corridor, and they made my stay feel transient, as though I were not quite where I was supposed to be. I sensed my parents’ disappointment in the way they glanced at each other when I spoke about a book, and I knew that what I had said was not incorrect but merely ordinary, uncharged with their brand of originality.”

Okenwa’s failure to live up to his parents’ standards makes it impossible for him to ever feel comfortable in his own home, a place where he should feel safe and at ease. The presence of the books, a symbol of both his parents’ expectations and the pressure to conform to a heteronormative standard, constantly reminds him of his failure and reinforces the sense that he doesn’t belong there. Okenwa’s attempts to please his parents always fall flat because everyone knows that his performance of interest in literature is inauthentic.

“I was twelve years old and had, until then, never felt that I recognized myself in another person.”

This is the first moment of connection between Okenwa and Raphael. Until this point, the only people Okenwa seemed to know well were his parents, whom he views as above him, and the previous houseboys, whom he views as below him. Raphael is the first person Okenwa sees as an equal—someone who also shares his secret love of kung fu. His joy at recognizing himself in someone else evokes the experience of a closeted gay teenager finally meeting another gay person and realizing for the first time that they are not alone. In retrospect, however, the passage proves ironic: Not only does Raphael not share Okenwa’s romantic feelings, but Okenwa ultimately treats Raphael as disposable hired help.

“Raphael knew what really mattered; his wisdom lay easy on his skin.”

This quote demonstrates the level of admiration Okenwa feels for Raphael even before his feelings blossom into romantic attraction. In Okenwa’s eyes, Raphael is an expert, worldly and experienced, and he is desperate to impress him. Though Adichie implies that Raphael is himself an inexperienced young boy with no more knowledge of kung fu or filmmaking than Okenwa, Okenwa cannot see through Raphael’s confidence and his own growing infatuation.

“My parents did not notice how close Raphael and I had become. All they saw was that I now happened to play outside, and Raphael was, of course, part of the landscape of outside: weeding the garden, washing pots at the water tank.”

The backyard is a place of freedom, natural and full of life. It serves as an escape from the books and the watchful eyes of Okenwa’s parents, allowing him to be his true self. This quote also highlights the class difference between Okenwa and Raphael, reminding readers that Raphael is there to do chores and is all but invisible in the eyes of Okenwa’s parents.

“A duel began, his hands bare, mine swinging my new weapon. He pushed me hard. One end hit him on the arm, and he looked surprised and then impressed, as if he had not thought me capable. I swung again and again. He feinted and dodged and kicked. Time collapsed. In the end, we were both panting and laughing. I remember, even now, very clearly, the smallness of his shorts that afternoon, and how the muscles ran wiry like ropes down his legs.”

This moment is the first suggestion of Okenwa’s physical attraction to Raphael. The scene takes place in the backyard, underscoring the naturalness of Okenwa’s blossoming romantic feelings, which exist between the playfulness of childhood and the flirtatiousness of a more mature relationship. Okenwa is only 12 years old, so this is his first experience with such feelings, and he doesn’t fully understand them—a factor that contributes to The Heartbreak of First Love.

“I looked around his room and was struck by how bare it was—the bed pushed against the wall, a spindly table, a gray metal box in the corner, which I assumed contained all that he owned.”

The bareness of Raphael’s room starkly contrasts with the clutter of the rest of the house. Like the backyard, it is a place of escape, away from the books and the watchful eyes of Okenwa’s parents. At the same time, the lack of material possessions highlights the vast difference in Okenwa and Raphael’s circumstances, which Okenwa is too young and naive to fully grasp. Okenwa understands that Raphael is poor, but he observes this fact without taking in its implications.

“He opened his eyes and looked at me, and on his face shone something wondrous. I had never felt myself the subject of admiration.”

Before now, Okenwa has looked up to Raphael. Now, Okenwa has taken on a parental role, helping Raphael with his eye drops, and Raphael literally looks up at Okenwa in admiration. This is a new experience for Okenwa, who until now has always occupied a childish role.

“By the third day, Raphael’s room felt familiar to me, welcoming, uncluttered by objects. As I put in the drops, I discovered things about him that I guarded closely: the early darkening of hair above his upper lip, the ringworm patch in the hollow between his jaw and his neck [...] we said things that we had said before, but in the quiet of his room they felt like secrets. Our voices were low, almost hushed. His body’s warmth cast warmth over me.”

Ironically, Okenwa feels more comfortable and welcome in Raphael’s room than he ever did in his own room. The intimate details of Raphael’s features and the emphasis on quietness and secrecy communicate the growing closeness between the two boys.

“My father brought me Panadol. My mother telephoned Dr. Igbokwe. My parents were brisk. They stood by my door, watching me drink a cup of Milo that my father had made. I drank quickly. I hoped that they would not drag an armchair into my room, as they did every time I was sick with malaria, when I would wake up with a bitter tongue to find one parent inches from me, silently reading a book, and I would will myself to get well quickly, to free them.”

When Okenwa comes down with Apollo, his parents pull out all the stops to help him get better quickly. This sharply contrasts with the way they dealt with Raphael’s case of Apollo, once again illustrating the very different social positions the two boys hold. Okenwa, however, does not appreciate the affection in his parents’ actions but instead feels guilty for causing them so much trouble. He feels that he must get better quickly so that they won’t feel obligated to sit by his side, revealing that even as a child he has a transactional view of caretaking.

“I wanted to see Raphael, but my mother had banned him from my room, as though he could somehow make my condition worse. I wished that he would come and see me. Surely he could pretend to be putting away a bedsheet, or bringing a bucket to the bathroom. Why didn’t he come? He had not even said sorry to me.”

Even though Okenwa knows that Raphael has been forbidden from entering his room, he feels entitled to Raphael’s attention. Caretaking is transactional in his mind, so the fact that Raphael does not repay the care Okenwa showed to him makes Okenwa feel bitter. He even feels that Raphael should apologize for giving him Apollo, though Raphael urged Okenwa not to visit while he was infected and Okenwa chose to do so anyway.

“With her, Raphael was different—the slouch in his back, the agitated foot. He was shy. She was talking to him with a kind of playful power, as though she could see through him to things that amused her. My reason blurred.”

When Okenwa sees Raphael speaking to Josephine, he understands that Raphael does not reciprocate his feelings as he thought. Raphael’s shy behavior with Josephine is completely different from the confident way he behaves with Okenwa. The realization that Raphael is more interested in Josephine than him hits Okenwa like a betrayal, causing him to lash out irrationally.