Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2021

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Summary

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Introduction, Chapters 1-2

Chapters 3-4

Chapters 5-6

Chapters 7-8

Chapters 9-10

Chapter 11-Conclusion

Key Figures

Themes

Index of Terms

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Introduction, Chapters 1-2Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Introduction Summary

Brown begins by explaining her “special power” of observation as a young child. She could tell what people were feeling or how they would react, and she would act in anticipation of their behavior. She could avoid her swim teacher’s disapproval by swimming backstroke or shield herself and her siblings from her parents’ conflict. While these “top-level observation powers” (xvii) helped Brown fit into a variety of contexts, she believes that “knowing probably just upped my anticipatory anxiety and my intolerance for vulnerability” (xvii). Starting as a teenager, Brown numbed these feelings with activity, fun, drugs, and alcohol. After her mother began recovery and therapy following her parents’ divorce, Brown was inspired to “do her work” of sobriety and facing her thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Over the past 20 years, Brown has started formally researching the connection between “how we think, feel, and act” (xx). She has studied shame, vulnerability, courage, wholeheartedness, etc. Fifteen years ago, she developed a curriculum based on her research. In her workshops, Brown has surveyed thousands of people about what emotions they feel—most commonly, the emotions named are “happy, sad, and angry” (xxi). Brown believes these broad terms are evidence that if we are to articulate our emotions, we need to find the language for our experience to be able to share it with others.

Brown says research shows that lacking the language of emotion can hinder the ability to process sensory data and the world around us. The benefit of “emotional granularity,” which “Harvard psychologist Susan David” defines as “[l]earning to label emotions with a more nuanced vocabulary” is that it enables us to “communicate our needs and to get the support we need from others” (xxii).

The goal of this book is to explore “what it means to be human” (xxiii) by outlining 78 emotions that have arisen in Brown’s research. Brown explores emotion and experience together because the two are inseparable. While emotional researchers disagree on the precise number or nature of emotions, they agree that many occur in the human experience.

Brown has consolidated her research by analyzing comments from the online course she taught from 2013 to 2014. Brown’s team sifted through 550,000 comments focusing on two questions: “What are the emotions and experiences that emerge the most often, and which emotions and experiences do people struggle to name or label?” (xxv). Brown then had a group of experienced therapists in a focus group pick the most important emotions for patients to process. For three years, Brown worked with other researchers, college interns, etc. to determine which emotions and experiences to explore. Brown decided to use the metaphor of mapmaking for Atlas of the Heart because maps are what help us determine where we are, where we came from, and where we are going. The goal of this book is to do that on an emotional and experiential level to allow self-understanding and then connection with others.

Chapter 1 Summary: “Places We Go When Things are Uncertain or Too Much”

In this chapter, Brown explores nine different emotions that all connect to the “places we go when things are uncertain or too much” (4). First, Brown differentiates between stress and overwhelm. Stressed is what happens when we “evaluate environmental demand as beyond our ability to cope successfully” (5). When life is unpredictable, too much, or out of our control, we feel physiological and psychological reactions to our “cognitive assessment” of the situation. Being overwhelmed is more extreme and impacts our ability to function. Brown illustrates this difference with phrases from her time working in a restaurant: “Stressed is being in the weeds. Overwhelmed is being blown” (6). “In the weeds” means you’re still managing but could use some help to regain equilibrium. “Being blown” means you have lost control and need a minute to catch your breath before trying to get back out there.

Brown describes anxiety as “escalating loss of control, worst-case-scenario thinking and imagery, and total uncertainty” (9). Anxiety could be a fixed trait in someone’s personality or a temporary state due to circumstances. These types of anxiety are different from an anxiety disorder, although Brown points out that nearly 30% of the US adult population experiences an anxiety disorder. Both these types of anxiety have to do with an “intolerance for uncertainty” (11). People who have a low tolerance for uncertainty are more likely to experience trait anxiety or an anxiety disorder.

There is a nuanced difference between anxiety and worry. Brown says that “worry is not an emotion” (11) but the cognitive aspect of anxiety. While people who worry think it shields them, it is better to “dig into and address the emotion driving the thinking” (11). Avoidance is another coping mechanism for anxiety. Avoidance is “not showing up and often spending a lot of energy zigzagging” (11).

Brown also distinguishes between anxiety, excitement, and dread. Excitement can cause similar sensations as anxiety, but it comes from “enthusiasm leading up to or during an enjoyable activity” (12). Dread is the opposite: the anticipation of a negative event. All these feelings have to do with the future. Fear, while similar to anxiety, is a “rapid-fire emotion” (12) about a present threat.

Ultimately, these emotions all arise when we feel vulnerable, which is the emotion “that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (13). While our society sees vulnerability as weakness, Brown says that it is “our greatest measure of courage” (14). In Brown’s research, being vulnerable is a “prerequisite” for courageous leadership and living.

Chapter 2 Summary: “Places We Go When We Compare”

In this chapter, Brown examines eight emotions that are all connected to comparison. Brown uses the example of unconsciously trying to speed up while swimming to beat others. Brown defines comparison as the “crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other” (20). We desire to “fit in, but win” (20). We can compare ourselves to those we perceive as superior or those we feel better than. While research shows we can’t help but compare ourselves, we can help how we let it impact our lives.

When we compare, we can feel admiration and reverence. Admiration is when we are inspired by someone or something. Admiration doesn’t always make us want to be like the thing we admire but to be better versions of ourselves. Reverence is a deeper version of admiration that is “often combined with a sense of meaningful connection with something greater than ourselves” (24). While admiration makes us want to be better, reverence wants us to connect with the thing or person we revere.

The next two places we go when comparing are to envy and jealousy. While these terms are often used interchangeably, Brown says envy is what occurs when “we want something that another person has,” i.e., we want someone’s appearance, wealth, etc., whereas jealousy occurs when “we fear losing […] what we already have” (26). Envy doesn’t require hostility—you could want to be wealthy without wanting someone else to be poor—but it can be. Jealousy is what we think “in response to how we feel” (28). Brown’s research shows that in “small doses and expressed appropriately, it’s a normal part of healthy relationships” (28).

Next, Brown explores resentment, which she identifies as a lifelong struggle. An interviewee for her podcast revealed that resentment is related to envy, not anger. When we are resentful it is because of an unvoiced need or envy of someone else. Brown uses the example of the movie Home for the Holidays, where one sister is resentful toward her siblings because she is envious they have explored the world and are happy with their lives while she stayed behind and is unhappy.

Next, Brown explores schadenfreude, a German phrase for enjoying “someone else’s suffering or misfortune” (33). Brown believes that schadenfreude is different from feeling relief when justice is achieved. She states that “nothing that celebrates the humiliation or pain of another person builds lasting connection” (34). Freudenfreude is the opposite, the “enjoyment of another’s success” (36). Brown cites research that freudenfreude is essential to empathy, overcoming depression, and building healthy relationships and communities. To illustrate this, she uses the example from famous soccer player Abby Wambach, who would point at whoever made an assist or called a play after scoring.

Introduction, Chapters 1-2 Analysis

As Brown introduces the book and begins examining the nuance of different emotions in this section, she begins to develop the major themes of the book.

First, Brown develops the benefits of being able to identify emotions on a granular level. While the research might be fun for an emotions researcher, the reader may wonder what good this research is for everyone else. In this first section, Brown begins to explain how language allows better understanding of ourselves and empathy for others: “Language is our portal to meaning-making-connection, healing, learning, and self-awareness. Having access to the right words can open up entire universes” (xxi).

Brown believes that learning to identify and describe our emotions and experiences helps us to better know ourselves and know what we need. For example, when we know how to identify anxious behavior, we can more critically examine our anxiety and where it is coming from. Brown quotes Elizabeth Gilbert’s Instagram post that says: “You are afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety” (9). Brown describes how anxiety’s coping mechanisms, such as worry or avoidance, can make it feel like we are in control of our anxiety. By listing all possible outcomes in worry, it might seem like we are trying to be prepared. By knowing that both worry and zigzagging around our problems are coping mechanisms, we can try to dig deeper and recognize what is really going on with our anxiety, etc. Being vulnerable about important experiences helps us to be more present to them. For example, in Brown’s research people listed experiences like sending a child off to college, starting a business, or trying to have a baby amidst infertility as vulnerable experiences. Brown believes that we owe it to ourselves to be present to those experiences rather than minimize them or hide them from ourselves. Brown says that this is braver than acting like we aren’t impacted in the first place: “Courage requires the willingness to lean into uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (14).

Similarly, Brown shows the impact that understanding emotions has in relationships. While Brown later emphasizes that we cannot assume what others are experiencing, she regularly discusses how understanding emotions helps foster connection. She says, “Without understanding how our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors work together, it’s almost impossible to find our way back to ourselves and each other” (xx). When describing the difference between stress and overwhelm, Brown explains how the restaurant would help differently if servers said, “I’m in the weeds” (indicating stress) or “I’m blown” (indicating overwhelm). When a server was stressed, the others would help them with their work: “Back in the day, if I walked into the kitchen and told another waiter ‘I’m in the weeds’—the response would be, ‘What do you need?’ I might say, ‘Can you take bread to table 2 and 4 and re-tea tables 3 and 5, please?’” (5). The response would be different if the person was overwhelmed: “When you’re blown, you can either step outside or into the cooler or go to the bathroom (and cry). Whatever you need” (5). This shows how understanding what people mean when they are stressed versus overwhelmed can help us help each other.

Another major theme Brown develops is that to be specific about what we are experiencing requires vulnerability. To identify what we are truly experiencing requires vulnerability and honesty. It won’t always sound complimentary or pump our egos to admit what we are feeling. For example, Brown explains that admitting to envy can be difficult: “The fact that hostility and a desire for denigration are sometimes a part of envy make it hard to own that emotion” (26). However, Brown gives many examples of what can happen to relationships when we aren’t honest about our feelings. For example, Brown explains in Chapter 2 how resentment usually stems from envy. It is easier to huff and puff at someone, like the sister in Home for the Holidays, than to say, “I feel envious of the life you have,” etc. Vulnerability is painful, which is why we often mask feelings from others and even ourselves. However, Brown shows how masking these experiences can lead to further relationship problems, like the sister being cruel to her siblings in Home for the Holidays. Brown says, “I know running away from the pain and anxiety is way riskier than leaning in and locking eyes with it” (xix).

When we “lock eyes” with what we are really feeling, we are able to have genuine connection with others. Brown explains how alienated she felt as a child. Because her family didn’t talk about emotions, she thought she was the only one feeling that way: “For children, it’s easy for everything to become a source of shame when nothing is normalized. You assume that if no one is talking about it, it must just be you” (xiv). Brown explores different ways that this can develop in adulthood and communities. For example, when exploring schadenfreude, Brown explains that it can make us feel that we are connecting with each other, but it’s just a counterfeit. Brown believes it’s tempting for groups to celebrate the downfall of an enemy or someone we don’t like, but she argues, “That type of bonding might feel good for a moment, but nothing that celebrates the humiliation or pain of another person builds lasting connection” (34). This harms our empathy and ability to connect with others.