Before I Let Go

Yasmen is driving her two children, Kassim and Deja, home from school. Deja is sullen, and Yasmen finds parenting an adolescent difficult. When Yasmen upbraids her for cursing in front of her younger brother, Deja reminds her mother that her father is less present to care what she does. This comment triggers Yasmen’s guilt about her recent divorce from Josiah. Kassim, intensely interested in school and especially science, chatters happily.

The three arrive at the family’s restaurant, Grits, which Yasmen still runs with Josiah. Yasmen has a birthday dinner that evening with her best friends, Hendrix Barry and Soledad Barnes.

Yasmen notices Josiah and the new chef, Vashti, speaking with a food critic. Yasmen senses there may be an attraction between Josiah and Vashti, but she pleasantly greets the visiting food critic.

In her rush to change for dinner, Yasmen is stunned into stillness in the restaurant’s hallway. In her third trimester of her pregnancy with Henry, she tripped on a loose floorboard in the hall and fell directly on her stomach. Henry was stillborn after a placental abruption. These events are not yet named, only alluded to as a cause of great pain and mental health struggles. She uses calming techniques from therapy, “ready to reclaim the space that loss and shit luck tried to take from me” (253).

As Yasmen leaves, Josiah enters, seeking a business card for the food critic. Yasmen asks, somewhat anxiously, if all is well with the business. After the death of their previous chef, Byrd, Josiah’s beloved aunt, the restaurant struggled. Josiah assures her that her focus on their children has allowed him to reestablish the business, and Vashti has helped it recover.

Yasmen asks him to help zip her dress and feels a renewed spark of attraction as he touches her back. Remembering their former life together, Yasmen finds herself wistful at his reminder that he will be at her house (Josiah now lives in his aunt’s former home). She urges herself to focus on the coming celebration.

Yasmen chats with her dear friend, Hendrix Barry, a driven and ambitious Black woman who works in PR and loves fashion. Soledad arrives late, and Hendrix is dismayed to learn that Soledad’s husband, Edward, is not watching their children; Soledad had to find a babysitter without his help. The three friends have different ambitions: Soledad is a stay-at-home mom who manages her large household, and Hendrix is single and has no children.

When Soledad compliments Yasmen’s cooperative relationship with Josiah, Hendrix quips, “Is that what you call it when your fine as hell ex-husband is there 24/7 for the screwing and you do nothing about it?” (379). She met Hendrix and Soledad in a yoga class after her divorce; she shut out and lost touch with her other friends during her “dark season” of grief for Henry and Aunt Byrd.

Yasmen explains that the cause of her divorce was not lack of attraction but tragedy. Byrd died not long after they relocated their restaurant to the trendy Skyland neighborhood they all live in, and the pressure to compete there was intense when she was lost in her grief. Josiah refused counseling, and Yasmen felt her depression was consuming both her and her marriage.

Yasmen turns to celebrate Soledad, knowing there will be more time to share her full past with her friends. The women embrace at the end of the night, resolving to meet at Skyland’s upcoming food-truck event.

Yasmen drives home, delighted with the sense of peace in life, in her friendships, and with her work with Josiah. She regrets the way her marriage ended but assures herself separation is better than the bitterness they once lived in. When Yasmen arrives home, where Josiah is watching their kids, she is stunned to see Vashti and Josiah sitting close together, playing Monopoly with their children. Their body language confirms that the two are dating.

When Josiah takes her aside to speak privately, Yasmen finds herself sounding betrayed and angry. Josiah reminds her that Vashti already knows their children, and his obligation to let her know about new partners is only for Kassim and Deja, not her. When Yasmen tries to convey concern that he might get hurt, Josiah becomes bitter, telling her, “No one in my whole life has ever hurt me like you did” (544). He rejects the idea their divorce decision was mutual and leaves, resolving not to continue old arguments. She senses from Josiah’s stiffness that whatever Vashti’s concerns about Yasmen and Josiah’s connection might be, their old bond is gone.

Yasmen and Hendrix survey the food-truck festival. Attending is part of Yasmen’s renewed involvement with Skyland’s business association. Yasmen stops by Grits’s food truck, where one of the cooks, Milwaukee “Milky” Johnson greets her warmly. He also deeply grieves for Byrd, who was his longtime partner. Vashti arrives, and Hendrix’s glee at her fried chicken diffuses some of the awkwardness Yasmen feels.

Josiah arrives with the kids and the family Great Dane, once Byrd’s, named Otis Redding. Deja is warm and friendly with Vashti, and Hendrix and Soledad notice the budding relationship between Vashti and Josiah. Hendrix tells her there is no need to put up a brave front with her and Soledad, and Yasmen admits that it is difficult to see Josiah dating.

Yasmen meets up with her kids at Skyland’s fountain, the neighborhood’s informal wishing well. When Soledad’s daughter accidentally reveals Deja has been skipping classes at school, Yasmen becomes alarmed.

Suddenly, Hendrix’s favorite song, “Feels Good” by Tony! Toni! Toné! begins, and the group begins to dance. Yasmen is full of gratitude for her recovery, realizing, “At that time, joy didn’t stand a chance, but tonight I feel everything. And it is finally good” (738). Yasmen sees Josiah by the DJ and realizes he requested the song for her friends. She signs with ASL to thank him, and he signs “you’re welcome” in acknowledgment. He leaves with Vashti.

Josiah wakes on a Saturday to Otis demanding to go outside. The dog’s care has fallen to Josiah—Otis has insisted on living with him since the divorce. As he drives to Yasmen’s to pick up his children, Josiah also thinks of their lost son and his strange life apart from his family.

Josiah greets neighbors Clint and Brock, who are eager to show off their new baby. Josiah reluctantly agrees to hold their daughter because he cannot admit his new habit of avoiding babies after Henry’s death. Yasmen comes out and shocks both Josiah and the other couple by offering to babysit, assuring them she is now up to the task.

Josiah reluctantly avoids asking Yasmen if she is certain about her babysitting offer. She takes him aside to share her worries about Deja’s school attendance, and they disagree about consequences. Josiah offers to handle telling Deja about her punishment, but he upsets Yasmen again when he says she is “too sensitive’’ about their daughter. Yasmen responds, “No wonder she thinks I overreact. So do you” (896). Josiah tries to apologize and inwardly upbraids himself for alienating her, but he lets her leave.

As Josiah and his children prepare for their day at the river, Josiah tells Deja she looks more like Yasmen every day. He is taken aback when Deja retorts, “Hopefully I’ll grow out of it” (915). He soon assures himself all will be well eventually.

Yasmen is at her outdoor yoga class with Hendrix and Soledad. Hendrix suggests Deja’s behavior is typical adolescent rebellion, but Soledad shares Yasmen’s alarm.

The friends go to brunch together, and Yasmen carefully avoids any further discussion of Josiah and Vashti. She struggles with the contradiction of resenting Josiah for moving on when she’s the one who sought the divorce. She has avoided telling others that Josiah resisted it. Yasmen reflects, “[T]here was a kind of relief to have only one thing to save. Not my marriage. But just myself” (972). After insisting she accepts Josiah’s new romance, Yasmen lets Hendrix tease her about her struggles with facial hair, remembering how Josiah used to tease her about it. She reminds herself that even her good memories have pain attached now.

At the river, Josiah talks with Deja. She is upset about the loss of her social media privileges and tells him she does not care about college or the elite private school she attends. They are interrupted by texts from Vashti, who hints she wants to spend the night with Josiah and says outright she is worried about tension with Yasmen. Josiah reassures her, telling himself that he is doing the right thing trying to find a new partner.

Deja asks Josiah if he and Vashti are dating. When he says they are, she suggests he deserves better than her mother because of her struggles with depression and anxiety. Josiah becomes angry, telling Deja that her mother was suffering after Henry and Byrd’s deaths so close together, and that her pain should not be dismissed. Josiah is struck by his own words, admitting that he can hear himself “[t]rying to understand” and reflecting, “There’s a voice in the back of my mind saying I should have done more of that when I had the chance” (1060-1065).

Yasmen is speaking at the Screen on the Green event to announce the movie. She chats with the local bookstore owner, thanking her for her gifts after Henry’s death. The other woman, Deidre, shares that she also has a history of pregnancy loss, including a stillbirth. She acknowledges that few people understand the magnitude of their loss and tells Yasmen, “I’m just glad you’re still here” (1087).

Yasmen rejoins Hendrix and Soledad. Hendrix exclaims over Soledad’s food, telling her she has the talent to become a lifestyle and brand influencer, with Hendrix as her PR support. Yasmen’s family arrives, and Yasmen catches sight of Vashti with them. Hendrix reminds her, “[S]he does not get to see how much it bothers you” (1142).

Soon, Hendrix notices another person approaching: local real estate developer Mark Lancaster, who is smitten with Yasmen. Hendrix, clearly playing matchmaker, invites him to sit with them. Yasmen casually flirts with Mark, and he takes her aside and asks her out for a date. Mark assures her he is willing to be casual and risk that she is not truly ready for a relationship. Yasmen drinks in Mark’s compliments, taking them as proof her investment in her recovery has paid off. She agrees to a date.

As the movie begins, Yasmen feels energized by the idea of taking a more active role in a new area of her post-divorce life. She still feels conflicted watching Josiah and Vashti. She reminds herself that she wanted the divorce and that it is cruel to judge Josiah for moving on.

Josiah is preparing for a conference with Kassim’s teacher. Yasmen arrives, and Josiah takes in her appearance, noting that he struggles with his own envy about Mark’s obvious sexual interest in her. They make small talk about the restaurant and tease one another about their habit of defending their children from any critics. Josiah realizes he and Yasmen have always been reliable co-parents with similar values.

Kassim’s teacher explains that while he is excelling academically and may need to skip a grade, his emotional development concerns her. His journal indicates he is preoccupied with mortality and family loss. Yasmen and Josiah explain this is grounded in real experience: Henry’s death occurred soon after Aunt Byrd’s. The teacher tentatively indicates that, whatever they decide about academics, Kassim might benefit from counseling.

Yasmen says her children are aware that she sees a therapist. When Josiah expresses his skepticism about therapy, the teacher reminds him that his lack of support will jeopardize any benefits for Kassim. Josiah agrees, but Yasmen is instantly on edge. Privately, Josiah admits to himself, “Yasmen and I always did make a great team, but therapy was something we never agreed on” (1333).