Beyond Magenta: Transgender and Nonbinary Teens Speak Out

“This is me! The world will just have to deal with it.”

This quote from Jessy reflects a key milestone in Self-Discovery as a Journey as he describes overcoming his trepidation about starting to take hormones. It also captures a sentiment at the heart of Beyond Magenta. Transgender people face a constant and difficult choice: work to hide their true selves for the comfort of society, or stand up to society daily by openly being themselves. Jessy’s phrasing here reflects the resolve to accept himself that his narrative shows throughout.

“When a biological woman meets a man, she doesn’t have to explain herself and hope that she will be accepted for who she is, unless she has an STD or something. When people see you they know that you’re a woman, there’s no question about it. But for me, that’s something I have to explain and hope will be accepted.”

In this quote, Christina describes a significant social hurdle that she faces as a trans woman. Her narrative is marked by her frustration with the daily difficulty of passing as her preferred gender—and the alienation and rejection that can come with it. She notes earlier in her interview that she regrets not having started hormones until she was 18 years old, the youngest that Callen-Lorde allowed it at the time; she feels that, by then, her body had already taken on a more masculine height and bone structure.

“The Google site said, ‘Sexual orientation has nothing to do with gender identity. There are straight transgenders and there are gay transgenders.’”

Here, Christina notes an important distinction: Sexuality and gender identity are not necessarily related. Nonetheless, confusion between sexuality and gender identity is common, even for the transgender interviewees as they progress on their journey of self-discovery. Christina’s peers, for example, struggled to understand that she was a straight transgender woman, not a gay man. (Note that her statement is somewhat problematic: Trans people can be more than just gay or straight, and most if not all major style guides treat “transgender” exclusively as an adjective—never as a noun.)

“I started to dress feminine. But I still looked like a boy. People would say to me, ‘What are you?’ Total strangers.”

Christina describes a form of harassment faced by many trans, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming individuals. While she enjoyed the attention at the time, now she admits she can even get violent if people mistake her for a man. It is important to remember that Christina’s reactions take place within a broader context of harmful social rejection; while the attention initially punctuated her decision to start transitioning, the perpetual othering and failure of society to respect her gender identity has taken its toll.

“I learned through Christina. I didn’t read a book or call anyone for information. I listened to my daughter. And I learned by letting her be.”

Here, Christina’s mother describes her understanding of her child’s transgender experience over time. Christina’s mother overcame her initial feelings about Christina’s identity by taking her child’s thoughts and feelings into account. The book’s interview with Christina’s mother paints a powerful picture of a parent overcoming prejudice to support her children, transforming rejection into support.

“I didn’t like that about me. I tried my hardest to be a guy again. I played football and ran track. I tried to lose weight. No matter how hard I tried to be a guy, I looked like a girl.”

This quote from Mariah illustrates the complexities of gender identity within the broader context of Self-Discovery as a Journey. At different periods in her early life, Mariah experienced a desire to embody feminine and then masculine social roles. Although she fought for the opportunity to transition from male to female, she acknowledges times in her life when she felt like a boy and wished to embody a male social role. These experiences were an important part of her process of self-exploration and growth.

“It was funny and stupid at the same time, but I really wanted to feel special. How can you be feeling the same things I’m feeling? And it made me really mad, like, I’m not special after all.”

Jessy, Christina, and Luke, on learning about other trans people, experienced a mix of relief and excitement. In contrast, Mariah reports feeling somewhat robbed; she had mentally framed this aspect of herself as something entirely unique and all her own. The sudden realization that being transgender was an experience that other people shared therefore actually made her angry. Mariah’s initial emotional reaction further emphasizes The Diversity of the Transgender Experience.

“Transition starts when you feel that you’re a woman physically, mentally, and emotionally. You fantasize about it. You research it. You start wearing women’s clothes. Then you start looking into hormones. That’s really transitioning.”

Here, the rhetorical “you” represents Mariah herself. However, the basic experience that she describes could apply to many fellow trans people’s experiences with approaching social and medical transitions. Her description emphasizes the nature of this process as a journey of self-discovery: whatever it may look like on the outside, transitioning tends to be a gradual process involving experimentation and education.

“Transition? Everyone goes through one kind of transition or another. We go through transitions every day. Except mine is maybe a little more extreme.”

Mariah’s statement here helps to demystify and normalize transgender experiences. The process of transitioning, for transgender people, is simply a journey of self-discovery—all humans undertake such journeys.

“Gender fuck is blending stuff, having something girl and something boy and something neither.”

Cameron’s description of “gender fuck” is one of many potential modes that nonbinary and gender nonconforming people might choose to express themselves. “Gender fuck” is a form of gender expression that seeks to subvert traditional gender roles by combining masculine and feminine gender signifiers.

“Recently I began to feel comfortable saying the gender system does not work because it really does not work for me […] Some people don’t understand this. To them I say, ‘I’m a boy; call me he.’ But I like to be recognized as not a boy and not a girl. I’m gender queer, gender fluid, and gender other.”

Here, Cameron describes a common issue among nonbinary individuals. While many trans binary people pursue the goal of “passing” as their preferred gender, nonbinary people struggle with the fact that many people in society do not recognize the existence of anything outside the socially enforced gender binary. This lack of acknowledgment, even if only by ignorance, constitutes a form of social rejection—as Cameron observes, the “gender system […] really does not work” for certain people.

“Most people go through traumatic stories about puberty, about how they hated it. Me? Not so much. I was happy when my breasts started growing.”

Cameron’s narrative around being trans is one of excitement and self-exploration rather than one marked by discomfort. Their experiences with puberty, as they remark here, are a subversion of common trans and nonbinary narratives around pubescence. Part of Cameron’s capacity to embark on self-discovery with confidence and curiosity, by their own account, stems from the strong support of their parents and community.

“[…] If my parents weren’t supporting me, most of my teachers wouldn’t have listened to me. My parents did support me, and the teachers listened.”

Cameron attributes how well adjusted they are in their transition to having a supportive community. Cameron’s observation here helps emphasize that the common discomfort experienced by trans people is not inherent to the trans experience; rather, it is often caused by the discomfort and pain of being socially othered and rejected.

“How can I explain myself to someone normal?”

This quote appears early on in Nat’s testimonial. Both in and out of context, the tone suggests a sense of alienation that sits in stark contrast to Cameron’s experience of being nonbinary.

“I don’t want to sound like a victim, or whatever, but I constantly asked myself, ‘What am I?’”

Whether in regard to their physiological sex (intersex) or their gender identity (nonbinary), Nat felt alienated from their assigned gender from a young age. Their statement of “I don’t want to sound like a victim” implies the depth of their gender confusion and its consequences—not knowing who one is or where one belongs is a universally upsetting experience.

“In my high school, we took special health classes to show us how our bodies were changing during puberty. I said to myself, This is not how my body is changing.”

Here, Nat describes a confusion around puberty that is largely unique to intersex people. While many trans and nonbinary people who are not intersex experience confusion and distress at the onset of puberty, they typically go through normative pubescence that aligns with their assigned sex. Nat was not only gender nonconforming, but also physiologically different from their peers.

“My parents always said they were my support system. But they didn’t support me at all.”

Nat’s experience with parental hypocrisy reflects the harm of social rejection. For many parents—even self-identified liberal and progressive parents—being transgender is a step too far. As Cameron explains, such rejection is not always the case. However, even parents who grow to be supportive (such as Jessy’s, Christina’s, and Luke’s) may initially dismiss, argue with, or even abuse their trans children in the wake of coming out.

“On these paper pages, just//wanna see how crazy you,//well not everything needs a diagnosis,//and you blame it back on//things past in childhood.”

Luke’s free verse poem pushes back against the medicalization of trans identity. It is common for anti-trans people to argue that being transgender is a mental illness—a notion that Luke’s poem rebuffs.

“I got cast as the trans man. Even though I was still identifying as female, I remember trying out for the part and really wanting it. But I didn’t actually know why.”

This memory suggests that Luke’s trans identity was thoroughly ingrained in his personality before he was even aware of it. His reflection implicitly supports the argument that being transgender, as with other gender identities and sexualities, is a natural and healthy part of life. The experience also marks how the arts can provide an outlet for self-discovery, especially in the absence of other sources of information and options for free exploration.

“I had a couple of journal entries around that time: I’m a boy…I’m a boy…I’m a boy. After my mom denied it, I stopped writing about it. I stopped thinking about it.”

This quote speaks to the power of suggestion that many parents hold over their children, wittingly or otherwise. The harm of social rejection, especially from parents, is real and can be severe. Discouraging a child from exploring their gender identity may stop that child from actively questioning their gender and/or sexuality, or at least stop the child from voicing those questions. However, it won’t stop a trans child from being trans.

“My family was okay with me being gay, but trans was a different issue for them.”

As discussed in Important Quote #18, many trans children struggle to win their parents’ respect and acceptance. Luke’s parents were prepared to support a lesbian daughter but not a transgender son. The greater reticence to accept or understand transgender people, in comparison to gay or lesbian cisgender people, is also reflected in Christina’s narrative when she describes presenting herself as a gay boy before coming out as trans—though it wasn’t accurate, she felt it would be easier.

“Some had more trouble [using my preferred pronouns] than others. I didn’t find it offensive because it was understandable. I was messed up in my head about it too. I’d screw up. I’d refer to myself, saying, ‘Oh, she’s doing something about something. Wait a minute! I’m supposed to be using male pronouns. I identify as male now.”

Here, Luke sheds light on one of the many challenges common throughout the process of social transition. Even supportive allies and trans people themselves may misgender people—even themselves. This mistake tends to be especially likely at the beginning of a social transition, when one’s name or pronouns have recently changed.

“Once we get to know people different from ourselves, it is less likely we will be wary of them. And maybe, just maybe, we will learn a little more about ourselves.”

Kuklin’s quote in her Author’s Note addresses her broader approach to her writing career. It also aligns with her statements in her NPR interview about the goals of Beyond Magenta (Kuklin, Susan. “Author Susan Kuklin: These Teens Wanted to Let Other Kids Know ‘They Are Not Alone.’” NPR, 21 Dec. 2022). Broadly speaking, by shedding light on the diversity of trans experiences and giving trans people an outlet for their voices, Kuklin aims to prompt readers to consider trans people as unique human beings not so unlike themselves.