Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

"There is no difference at birth between boys' and girls' need for connection, nor, neurologically, in their capacity for empathy—there's actually some evidence that infant boys are the more expressive sex."

There is not a scientific, biological explanation for why boys are expected to suppress their emotions, and yet the messaging remains. While both boys and girls have a need for emotional outlets that allow them to process their feelings, only girls are given full cultural license to acknowledge and deal with their emotions.

"Emodiversity—being able to experience a broad sweep of emotions, positive as well as negative—is crucial to adults' emotional and physical health."

While emotional transparency is necessary for personal growth, boys often avoid acknowledging emotions that have to do with sorrow or fear, as these emotions imply weakness and vulnerability.

"Girlfriends, mothers, and, in some cases, sisters, were the most commonly cited confidants among boys I met, and while it's wonderful to know they have someone to talk to—and I'm sure mothers, in particular, savor the role—teaching boys that women are responsible for emotional labor, for processing men’s emotional lives in ways that would be emasculating for boys to do themselves, comes at a price to both sexes."

Orenstein draws attention to the idea that many men expect the women in their lives to carry the load of their own emotions. Conspicuously absent from this list are fathers, many of whom aren’t equipped to handle their own emotions.

"If emotional suppression and disparagement of the feminine are two legs of the stool that supports 'toxic masculinity,' the third is bragging about sexual conquest."

Toxic masculinity leads to emotional stagnation in men and perpetuates the notion that women and femininity are to be rejected at all costs. As men brag about their sexual conquests, they objectify women as supporting characters in their own stories.

"It's no secret that today's children are guinea pigs in a massive porn experiment."

Free porn, made possible by high-speed Internet, has impacted modern society permanently, and children today are increasingly exposed to it. Pornhub, for instance, receives over a hundred million visitors per day. The results of this experiment are still being revealed, but at this point there is no turning back—free Internet porn is a part of society that seems to be here to stay.

"Sexual urges are normal. Masturbation is not only normal but healthy and important to sexual development (though sanctioned for and practiced by far more boys than girls)."

Orenstein clarifies that masturbation is a healthy part of sexual exploration. However, one can also become obsessed with porn as a frame of reference for how sex should happen.

"In an oversaturated media marketplace, attention is the most prized currency."

With mainstream media becoming increasingly more explicit in its depictions of sexual situations, porn content is more saturated by what would otherwise be considered fringe content.

"Obviously, media 'primes' about gender and sexuality don't come exclusively from porn."

Orenstein reminds the reader that porn is not the only thing to blame for depictions of sexual situations and narratives that drive implicit cultural gender norms.

"Hookup, a word high school and college students bandy about incessantly, is intentionally vague."

A "hookup" does not necessarily entail intercourse, but implies at the very least kissing or groping. The term is often left vague so that those involved can create a narrative they want.

"Guys in my interviews were less likely than girls to express anger, betrayal, resentment, or feelings of being 'used' in a hookup."

Teenage boys are more likely to accept the casual nature of a hookup. Many boys have not learned to seek emotional connection, and are not as upset by an exclusively physical experience.

"Porn is the only realm where sex between two men is consistently represented, practiced, and validated."

Mainstream culture continues to marginalize gay sexual relationships as taboo. For many gay boys, porn is the only reference point they have for how to engage sexually with a partner.

"The gay boys I met had watched their straight friends engage in the ordinary rites of hooking up, dating, falling in love, falling apart."

For many of Orenstein's gay interview subjects, the experience of watching their straight friends hook up exacerbated their feelings of being an outsider. While their peers were experiencing rites of passage, they were often left without outlets to explore their own sexuality.

"Epiphanies can happen in the most mundane moments."

This quote refers to the moment where Devon, a trans man, first realized that he was a man. He looked down at his pants while riding in a van and came to terms with feeling discomfort in his female body.

"Higher education is not a level playing field, not in the classroom and not in students' social lives."

Orenstein argues that postsecondary education reveals social inequalities, most of which are based on race and class. This is true not only within college learning environments, but also in the social composition of college campuses.

"Rape allegations have been used as a means for social control of African Americans for generations, but rape itself is a tool for social control of all women everywhere."

The idea that African American men will rape white women is grounded in unfounded and racist rhetoric. Orenstein critiques how patriarchy and racism intersect to oppress both women and Black men in America via the paternalism of white men. White masculinity seeks to gain impunity and social manipulation by framing itself as the defender of white women while simultaneously posing its own threat of sexual aggression against all women. By placing racial bias and sexism in parallel structure, Orenstein suggests the hypocrisy of this social dynamic.

"Some of the guys I talked to had found the erotic spark in 'yes means yes.’"

For some of Orenstein's interview subjects, affirmative consent added a layer of pleasure and desire. For many teenage boys, however, affirmative consent is nothing more than a protocol that must be followed, suggesting the urgency of reframing attitudes toward consent in sexual desire.

"When I began interviewing boys, I assumed, at least for those who were heterosexual, that our conversations about consent would flow in one direction: exploring their own understanding (or its lack) of how to ensure a partner has said yes."

Throughout Orenstein's conversations with her interview subjects, she heard countless stories of how men were victims of unwanted sex, challenging her assumption that young men were exclusively responsible for seeking consent.

"By their senior year of college, women are still twice as likely as men to have been assaulted and are subject to a wider, more constant range of aggressive behavior."

Orenstein confirms that women are significantly more vulnerable than men, particularly within the context of college campuses.

"The idea of a mature woman initiating a lad into the wonders of the flesh is a well-worn trope, a staple of both porn and mainstream media: the MILF, the stepmom, the teacher."

When teenage boys experience unwanted sex with an adult, their experiences are often minimized. Cultural portrayals of an older woman seducing a young man implicitly normalize this experience.

"The prevailing system, it seems, often fails to result in understanding, healing, or justice."

When young men are accused or found guilty of sexual assault, the current system provides little to no opportunity for them to truly take ownership of their actions. This prevents perpetrators from understanding and recovering. Both perpetrators and victims may never heal because restoration in the prevailing system is virtually impossible.

"Although its primary emphasis is on healing those wronged, RJ [restorative justice] aims to be transformational for everyone involved by creating true accountability and reducing the risk of recidivism."

Restorative justice, when enacted well, invites perpetrators to enter into a truly reflective process in which they acknowledge the harm that their actions have caused.

"Restorative justice may be promising, but it is still an after-the-fact solution."

While restorative justice may be a useful tool, it is by nature responsive or reactive to harm that has already occurred. What young men and women need are tools to proactively understand their own responsibility in sexual encounters.

"Our teens are in urgent need of high-quality human development courses."

Sex education in schools is inconsistent at best, harmful and traumatizing at worst. Without solid sex education programs and curriculums, the default education that kids and teens receive comes from the media, and for many, straight from porn.