Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

Adam is one of Orenstein's interview subjects and is in many ways an outlier in this book. He is gay, and for much of his life he was careful not to give away his sexual orientation. When Orenstein spoke with Adam, he was living in San Francisco. As a college sophomore in arguably the gay capital of America, Adam was now openly gay, proud to be out while also constantly aware of the painful experiences of his past.

Orenstein tells Xavier's story in Chapter 5, offering the experience of a young African American man navigating expectations of sex and intimacy. At his college, he was part of the most underrepresented group, a fact that he was constantly aware of. Xavier told Orenstein about his relationship with his white girlfriend. He expressed remorse about his inability to control his emotions in a healthy manner in situations that upset him. He was deeply reflective on how Black males are often fetishized, which only complicates his relationship to sex. Xavier was thoughtful, determined, and motivated by an intrinsic desire to be a force for good.

When interviewed, Cole admitted to being the epitome of the white male jock stereotype: an identity that he found limiting in many ways. The white male jock is expected to dominate, to be strong, to be emotionally detached, to boast about sexual conquests. Cole revealed that he was uncomfortable with the expectations of his identity. However, his desire to fit in was stronger than his desire to speak up when his peers shared inappropriate details of their sexual experiences.

At the time of Orenstein's conversations with Ethan, he was a college freshman who, unlike Cole, was completely unwilling to participate in the bro culture that came along with locker rooms. Ethan was a lacrosse player. After getting a sense of the environment created by his teammates, he decided to transfer to another school. At his new school, he decided not to play sports. For Ethan, his principles spoke louder than his aspirations as a college athlete.

Devon is a trans man who shared the complexity of his experiences with Orenstein: his transition, his experiences as a swimmer on the men's team at his college, and his sexual experiences. Devon's family was supportive of his transition, but his journey was filled with trauma. After he transitioned, Devon shared how difficult it was for him to find his place in the locker room among his male teammates. As a college student figuring out how to date and navigate sex, Devon revealed a desire to communicate about sex in ways grounded not in dominance and aggression, but in healthy, consensual enjoyment.

Mateo is a Latinx gay man. He told Orenstein about his struggles to find his place. Mateo is the oldest of six children, the son of a janitor. At the time of the interviews, he attended a private school on scholarship. He found himself constantly thinking about his behavior, his voice, the way he moved his body. Within the context of hyper-masculinity, Mateo felt completely out of place. He recalled an experience where a male peer spoke about a sexual encounter with one of Mateo's friends. The conversation exacerbated Mateo’s feeling of detachment with the cultural norms of heterosexual masculinity.