Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?: A Memoir

“I had no nostalgia for the Carefree Days of Youth, because I never had them.”

Chast reveals significant aspects of her character and background, highlighting her lack of pleasant childhood memories. This conveys how responsibility, rather than the innocence and ease typical of childhood, marked her youth. It also sets the tone for the exploration of family dynamics throughout the memoir.

“‘Larry Carmel said to chew each bite FORTY TIMES before you swallow it!’

‘Not me! I’m a FAST CHAST!’”

This quote highlights George and Elizabeth’s contrasting personalities. George had anxieties around food, while Elizabeth had a decisive, assertive, and impatient demeanor about it, as she did about most things. This juxtaposes their differing approaches to life and highlights the dynamics within their relationship.

“That’s wonderful! Daddy and I were there many, many years ago… When we crossed the Equator, we got a certificate signed from ‘KING NEPTUNE’! I bet it’s still on top of the Crazy Closet!”

This moment is a catalyst for the subsequent events described in the memoir, as it led to Elizabeth’s fall. Additionally, it characterizes Elizabeth as someone who hoarded items, keeping them in what she called the “Crazy Closet.” Her excitement over the King Neptune certificate highlights her nostalgic nature and tendency to hold onto the past.

“‘Only one person is allowed to be with the patient. And I’ll just take this chair.’

‘FINE! I’ll sit on the FLOOR.’”

This quote illustrates the theme of The Complexities of American Healthcare and Elder Care. The nurse’s rigid enforcement of hospital rules highlights the challenges and lack of empathy often encountered in healthcare. The humor in Chast’s exaggerated response adds a layer of irony to the experience, showcasing her ability to find humor in frustrating circumstances.

“Any Florence Nightingale-type visions I ever had of myself—an unselfish, patient, sweet, caring child who happily tended to her parents in their old age—were destroyed within an hour or so.”

This quote underscores the theme of Caring for Aging Parents by comparing and contrasting Chast’s initial idealistic expectations versus reality. The reference to Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, symbolizes the devoted caregiver that Chast aspired to be. However, her vision quickly shattered as she cared for her father, illustrating the challenges of caring for aging parents.

“‘Look, Dad—I made your favorite: meat loaf.’

‘I can’t eat all this.’

‘So, just eat what you want and leave the rest. What’s the matter?’

‘Seeing this much food on the plate makes me psychologically uncomfortable.’”

This dialogue illustrates the challenges that Chast faced in caring for her aging father, exemplifying the theme of Caring for Aging Parents. George’s deteriorating mental state made even simple tasks, like eating, difficult. Chast’s response to her father’s irrational fears underscores the patience and emotional labor required in caregiving.

“Dealing with all this ‘real-world’, official, and essentially bureaucratic stuff combined two of my least-two favorite feelings: BOREDOM. ANXIETY.”

This quote shows Chast’s character and her struggles with the practicalities of adult life, particularly in the context of caring for her aging parents. It underscores the common aversion to bureaucratic tasks, which she suggests can be, paradoxically, both boring and anxiety-inducing. Her candid expression of these feelings gives her narration authenticity.

“My father couldn’t pick her up, and because of the hospital fear, she wouldn’t use the Life Alert pendant. He left their apartment to find a neighbor and somehow got lost in the building.”

This quote illustrates the decline in both George and Elizabeth’s physical and mental health. Because of his frailty and cognitive deterioration, George was unable to lift Elizabeth and then became lost in familiar surroundings, while Elizabeth’s refusal to use the Life Alert pendant highlights her stubbornness and denial. This incident was a catalyst for subsequent events, making Chast realize her parents needed assistance.

“It all felt very strange. Almost like helping your kid set up their first apartment.”

Chast compares setting up her parents’ new living arrangements to helping a kid set up their first home. This comparison highlights the infantilization that often accompanies old age, as parents become dependent on their children. The quote thematically conveys the emotional and practical challenges that Chast faced in Caring for Aging Parents and assumed a parental role in interactions with her own parents.

“It was clean, and everything looked new. The décor could be best described as ‘Old-Person-Cheerful-Genteel.’ The main colors were nice pinks, safe peaches, inoffensive blues, soft greens, and harmless neutrals.”

Chast describes the assisted living facility, where the “Old-Person-Cheerful-Genteel” decor and pastel colors attempted to mask the reality of aging and decline. The cheerful design was a facade, hiding the facility’s true nature and the challenges facing its residents. This supports the book’s thematic concern regarding The Complexities of American Healthcare and Elder Care.

“He refused to do physical therapy. He was frail, alone, afraid, unable to toilet himself. He was 95 years old and TIRED.”

George’s refusal to do physical therapy underscores his frailty and exhaustion. His inability to perform basic self-care tasks, such as getting to the toilet, reflects the challenges of aging. This depiction captures George’s physical decline as well as his emotional and psychological fatigue.

“The nursing home was pretty depressing. There was no attempt to disguise what it was. No sofas, no sconces, no Oriental-style carpets.”

Chast compares and contrasts the nursing home with “the Place,” the assisted living facility where George and Elizabeth lived. Unlike the Place, where the decor created a welcoming environment, the nursing home was stark and bare. Chast thematically addresses The Complexities of American Healthcare and Elder Care, suggesting that these facilities often prioritize functionality over the emotional needs of their residents, neglecting the importance of creating a comforting atmosphere conducive to patients’ general well-being.

“Seeing my dad in the nursing home was painful. He looked so small and so frail. How could this be? He was my DAD!”

Chast comments on the emotional impact of seeing a parent in such a vulnerable state. The physical and mental decline of her father was painful for her. This moment underscores the theme of Caring for Aging Parents and the role reversal that often accompanies it. The exclamation “He was my DAD!” reflects the disbelief inherent in witnessing a parent’s decline.

“I told Daddy he was coming with me to 100 if I had to drag him KICKING AND SCREAMING!”

Elizabeth’s words characterize her as stubborn, determined to force her husband to live to 100 regardless of his condition. Her forceful optimism contrasts sharply with George’s frailty and resignation, illustrating their different personalities. In addition, it underscores her unwillingness to confront the inevitability of death.

“‘Mom, did it ever occur to you that Dad may be actively dying?’

‘I DO NOT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT DEATH, AND I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT DEATH!!!’”

This exchange exemplifies the theme of Emotional Avoidance as a Coping Mechanism. Elizabeth refused to discuss death, despite the evident signs of George’s decline, instead repressing uncomfortable emotions as a coping mechanism. This behavior contrasts with Chast’s attempt to confront and process the situation.

“We never spoke of what happened. Maybe there was really nothing to say. For a while, I thought perhaps she had blanked it out, but about a year later, she said to me, ‘I know why you don’t have me over to your house. It’s because you’re afraid I’ll shit it all up.’”

The Chast family tended to bury uncomfortable feelings and avoid addressing awkward experiences, such as Elizabeth’s bathroom incident. This further thematically highlights Emotional Avoidance as a Coping Mechanism and its impact on family dynamics. Elizabeth didn’t acknowledge the incident until a year later and then did so bluntly and crudely, illustrating how unspoken issues can create lingering tension and misunderstandings.

“The only emotion that remained was one of deep affection and gratitude. This surprised me, partly, because he had driven me so bats in the last few years. I could still remember all of that, but it didn’t seem to matter.”

Roz’s perspective on her father changed after his death. Feelings of affection and gratitude replaced the frustration and difficulties she faced while caring for him during his last years. This reflects the impact of death on memory and the emotional transformation that can accompany grief.

“The neurologist said my mother was depressed. He prescribed Lexapro. Her insurance didn’t cover it.”

This quote thematically underscores The Complexities of American Healthcare and Elder Care. Elizabeth’s insurance did not cover her prescription for Lexapro, illustrating the challenges that many encounter in accessing necessary medical treatments. Chast critiques the inadequacies of the US healthcare system, such as insurance coverage gaps and the prohibitive cost of medications.

“When I was growing up, one of her favorite argument-enders was: ‘I’m not your friend. I’m your mother.’ If you hear that enough times, it becomes hard to switch gears just because some years have gone by. My mother was no longer my enemy when I grew up, but that didn’t make her my friend.”

Chast explores family dynamics and provides insight into Elizabeth’s character. Elizabeth’s authoritative stance during Chast’s childhood impacted her perception of her mother, making it difficult for her to view her as a friend in adulthood. The memoir reveals the lack of emotional closeness and unresolved issues that created their complex, often awkward relationship.

“My mother was existing in a state of suspended animation. She was not living and not dying. She didn’t watch TV, read, go outside, play the piano, socialize, or even get out of bed.”

Chast’s description of her mother’s state underscores the emotional and physical decline that comes with advanced age. The chapter’s title, “Chrysalis,” metaphorically reflects Elizabeth’s condition, a state of limbo in which she was neither actively living nor dying. This symbolizes a phase of outward stagnation while one prepares for the next phase of one’s existence.

“I was alone with my mother’s body for a while. I drew her. I didn’t know what else to do. I had been drawing her all summer, since the conversations had been reduced to almost nothing.”

Following these words are Chast’s drawings of her mother. Together they provide an intimate glimpse into Chast’s reaction to her mother’s death and their relationship during her final days. The act of drawing her mother’s body helped her process her emotions and find a way to connect with her mother. The drawings became a way for Chast to navigate her grief.

“My mother had been so dominant when they were alive that it was best if he had a little space of his own. Still close, but independent.”

Chast offers insight into the dynamic between George and Elizabeth, emphasizing Elizabeth’s dominant role throughout their lives. By giving her father space, Chast establishes a balance that she perceived was missing during their lives, when Elizabeth’s dominance overshadowed George’s independence. This reveals Chast’s reflective and thoughtful nature.

“My bedroom closet is not large. The clothes in it are not stylish, but they are organized by color in a way I like to look at. The shoes are on a tree, or placed in pairs on the floor. It’s not a super-neat closet, but it’s not messy. I think it makes a nice home for them.”

By choosing to keep her parents’ ashes in her closet, Chast finds a way to maintain a connection with them even after their deaths. The act of creating a “nice home” for them underscores the enduring bond of familial love and the comfort Chast found in keeping her parents close. The closet’s organization by color and the arrangement of shoes reflect Chast’s personality: neat yet not overly rigid.