Everything We Never Said

While this section hints at some of the major themes, the focus is on introducing the two main characters and the circumstances of the accident. Harlow uses a shifting narrator in these chapters, producing multiple effects on the text. Ella narrates most chapters, though Sawyer narrates two as well. The use of a first-person narrator brings the reader emotionally closer to that character, and there are often ways in which a reader’s understanding benefits from that intimate knowledge of the character’s thoughts and feelings. The character may be misunderstood by others, and giving the reader access to their private thoughts allows the reader to recognize this. For example, Ella misinterprets Sawyer’s facial expressions and attitude, something that the reader realizes because of his narration. On the first day of school, Ella sees Sawyer looking at her with “such fury” and “judgment” that she assumes that he blames her for the accident (3). However, he is actually tremendously sympathetic toward Ella, saying, “I can’t imagine how hard this has all been on her” (27). Then, after the night on the bleachers, Ella concludes that Sawyer ran away because “he thinks of [her] as a friend. Nothing but a friend” (61). She thinks that he “ran [like] he couldn’t get away fast enough” (61), but Sawyer’s chapter reveals that he thought “if [he] ran fast enough, [he’d] burn up whatever the hell this feeling is, the one that’s refusing to go ignored” (54). He doesn’t run because he’s angry at Ella or because he feels so little for her; instead, he runs because he feels so much more than a friend would.

These situations create dramatic irony, as the reader knows more than either of the characters: Sawyer because he doesn’t realize how Ella is interpreting his actions and Ella because she is utterly misreading them. Without Sawyer’s first-person narration, readers would not know that he feels that “it’s only [him] now, only [him] here to stand above [Ella] and snarl at the world” (27). He feels a desire and responsibility to protect her, especially in Hayley’s absence, and he does, admitting that he was only able to save her from being hit by a bus because he was “watching” her. He also rescues her from having to talk about feelings that she’s not ready to share when Mr. Wilkens pushes her at the group session. Finally, readers understand that both Ella and Sawyer have feelings for each other, and both try to repress those feelings to avoid the guilt they cause. Both the group session and the unspoken sentiments between Ella and Sawyer hint at a theme that will emerge more fully as the novel continues: The Importance of Feelings One’s Feelings.

Understanding their guilt is, perhaps, the most important benefit of Ella and Sawyer’s shared narrative perspective. Ella believes that she deserves Sawyer’s judgment because of “what [she] stole from him. From [Hayley]” (3), so she is likely to interpret his behavior as more evidence of her responsibility for Hayley’s death. Ella thinks that she “kill[ed] [her] best friend” (4), something that causes her to ask Sawyer, “Why even save me?” when he pushes her from the bus’s path (9). When she vows never to speak to him again, it is an attempt to mitigate her attraction to him, which also causes her to feel guilty. Though Ella cannot remember the day of the accident, witnesses from the party saw her drinking before putting Hayley in the car. Thus, she assumes that the accident was her fault, so she feels responsible not only for her best friend’s death but also for everyone else’s grief. Ella believes that her behavior has “broken [her] unbreakable mother” (16). These feelings likely contribute to her habit of saying “sorry” all the time, something that Sawyer points out, telling her, “It’s your favorite word, especially when there’s nothing to be sorry about. You should say it less” (48). For his part, Sawyer doesn’t blame Ella. Instead, he feels guilty because he knows that his erratic behavior is “making her scared, and it’s a kick in the gut. Like accidentally stepping on a puppy’s tail” (28). This simile shows how innocent and how helpless he believes she is. He knows why he didn’t fully recognize her beauty when he was with Hayley, “Because it wasn’t okay to notice,” and he wonders, “Is it okay even now?” (29). He feels guilty about his attraction to Ella, thinking, “[T]he problem isn’t that all this is happening with a girl, but that it’s happening with this girl” (31). She’s his dead girlfriend’s best friend. Thus, just as Ella vowed never to speak to Sawyer again (a vow she couldn’t keep), Sawyer promises to “scoop all these thoughts [about Ella] into a box, stuff them in the back corner of [his] mind, and never, ever open them again” (60). Both attempt to repress their mutual attraction, and neither succeeds. Ella and Sawyer’s assumptions, apologies, and breast-beating point to The Futility of Guilt, a theme that will emerge more fully later in the work.

Harlow often employs descriptive word choices and foreshadowing to control the mood of the narrative. For example, on the first page, Ella’s description of the rain’s “assault,” the wind’s “howl,” and the thunder that “crack[s]” that morning reveal her sense of dread and the deadly revelations regarding Hayley to come (1). Conversely, her description of the sunset from the bleachers references the “soft scarlet gold” of the sky, the “night music” of the crickets and frogs, and the breeze that “lifts the scent of wisteria and honeysuckle” to her and Sawyer (51), conveying the peace that she feels in his presence. These gilded images seem to foreshadow a future relationship between them, one that brings peace and love to both. However, descriptions associated with Hayley’s diary make it seem ominous. Ella remembers that Hayley described it as the one place where she could make her “darkest, most vile confessions,” and Ella is surprised that it’s not covered with stickers, as she would expect; she is struck by the oddness of Hayley’s choice, recognizing that it is “probably another reason [she] should not read this” (47). These descriptions foreshadow the secrets that Hayley’s diary contains: things that she felt she could tell no one, not even her best friend. Other details hint at potential problems, such as Hayley’s confession that Mr. Wilkens is “admittedly hot” and that students often treat him as a peer rather than a member of staff. Further, Hayley never wanted to discuss Sean, and he cheated on Phoebe with a “much younger woman.” When Ella sees Sean at Phoebe’s house, however, he tells her that she can “judge [him] all [she] want[s], but [she] doesn’t know the whole story” (33), claiming that he also loved Hayley. Though she thought that he was attractive at first, Ella is disgusted by Sean now, indicating her intuition that he is bad news. Likewise, the discrepancy between Phoebe’s guilt over her daughter being a virtual stranger and her casual plan to donate whichever of Hayley’s things Ella doesn’t want signifies an emotional disconnect. Finally, Ella’s and Sawyer’s repeated references to how stressed Hayley was during the last few months of her life, in addition to Ella’s inability to remember the night of the accident, foreshadow future distressing revelations about the circumstances surrounding Hayley’s death.