Fangirl

“But the hallway was practically a meet-and-greet. Every door was propped open but theirs. Girls were milling around, talking and laughing. The whole floor smelled like burnt microwave popcorn.

Cath slipped into the bathroom and sat in one of the stalls, unwrapping her protein bar and letting nervous tears dribble down her cheeks.

God, she thought. God. Okay. This isn’t that bad. There's actually nothing wrong, actually. What’s wrong, Cath? Nothing.

She felt tight everywhere. Snapping. And her stomach was on fire.”

Cath has anxiety, which makes her nervous and sometimes even frightened in new situations. This quotation shows both the mental and physical symptoms of anxiety. Cath is too nervous to eat in her room or the dining hall, so she cries and eats in a bathroom stall. Her anxiety creates several physical symptoms that add to her overall feeling of distress.

“‘Your trash can is full of energy bar wrappers,’ Reagan said.

‘You were looking through my trash?’ Cath felt a rush of anger.

‘Levi was looking for a place to spit out his gum…So? Do you have an eating disorder?’

‘No,’ Cath said, pretty sure it was exactly what she’d say if she did have an eating disorder.

‘Then why don’t you eat real food?’

‘I do.’ Cath clenched her fists. Her skin felt drawn and tight. ‘Just. Not here.’

‘Are you one of those freaky eaters?’

‘No. I—’ Cath looked up at the ceiling, deciding that this was one of those times when the truth would be simpler than a lie. ‘—I don’t know where the dining hall is.’

‘You’ve been living here more than a month.’”

As opposed to more standard nervousness, Cath’s anxiety affects her day-to-day activities and quality of life. For the first month of school, she eats almost nothing but protein bars and peanut butter, sparking Reagan’s concern. For people who experience social anxiety in particular, social situations can be more manageable with a support system. This marks the beginning of Reagan’s role in helping Cath enter new situations.

“Carry On was written as if it were the eighth Simon Snow book, as if it were Cath’s job to wrap up all the loose ends, to make sure that Simon ascended to Mage, to redeem Baz (something GTL would never do), to make both boys forget about Agatha…To write all the good-bye scenes and graduation scenes and last-minute revelations…And to stage the final battle between Simon and the Insidious Humdrum.

Everyone in fandom was writing eighth-year fics right now. Everyone wanted to take a crack at the big ending before the last Simon Snow book was released in May.

But for thousands of people, Carry On was already it.

People were always telling Cath that they couldn’t look at canon the same way after reading her stuff. (‘Why does Gemma hate Baz?’)

Somebody had even started selling T-shirts on Etsy that said KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON with a photo of Baz and Simon glaring at each other. Wren bought Cath one for her eighteenth birthday.”

This quotation touches on The Role of Fanfiction and Fandom Communities in Cath’s life. Though Cath is part of the Simon Snow fandom, she has a fandom of her own. She has thousands of readers, some of whom create merchandise referencing her story, Carry On. When someone connects to a character, like Cath does to Baz, fanfiction can be a way to “redeem” them in a way the “canon” story never would. Fanfiction thus becomes a productive outlet for exploring one’s own identity.

“They sat next to each other now when they worked—the better to read, and write, during the other’s turns. Cath had learned to sit on Nick’s right side, so their writing hands didn’t bump unintentionally.

It made Cath feel like part of a two-headed monster. A three-legged race.

It made her feel at home.”

After Abel breaks up with her, Cath starts noticing boys more, particularly Levi and Nick, her writing partner. Part of what she likes about spending time with Nick is the feeling of companionship she gets. As an identical twin who was very close with her sister, Cath has spent much of her life as half of a pair and feels more secure when she has close company. The imagery she uses to describe her writing partnership with Nick emphasizes how she feels like they are one entity.

“‘You look the same,’ Cath said. ‘You look like me, and look what I’m eating.’ Cath was eating beef fajitas with sour cream and three kinds of cheese.

‘Yeah, but you’re not drinking.’

‘Is that part of the Skinny Bitch diet?’

‘We’re skinny bitches on weekdays,’ Courtney said, ‘and drunk bitches on the weekend.’

Cath tried to catch Wren’s eye. ‘I don't think I’d want to aspire to be any kind of bitch.’

‘Too late,’ Wren said blandly.”

One of the novel's main conflicts is the wedge that begins to form between Cath and Wren as they navigate Coming of Age and Exploring Identity during their first year of college. Like Cath, Wren’s struggles manifest in her relationship with food, but her issues are different. Along with her roommate, Courtney, Wren exhibits unhealthy eating and drinking behaviors. She severely limits her food intake during the week to offset the calories consumed by drinking to excess over the weekend. This imbalance means that she is not getting sufficient nutrients in her diet.

“‘Bad or good isn’t the point.’ Professor Piper shook her head, and her long, wild hair swayed from side to side. ‘This is plagiarism.’

‘No,’ Cath said. ‘I wrote it myself.’

‘You wrote it yourself? You’re the author of Simon Snow and the Mage’s Heir?’

‘Of course not.’ Why was Professor Piper saying this?

‘These characters, this whole world belongs to someone else.’

‘But the story is mine.’

‘The characters and the world make the story,’ the older woman said, like she was pleading with Cath to understand.”

Professor Piper does not understand The Role of Fanfiction and Fandom Communities in Cath’s life. She thinks fanfiction is plagiarizing someone else’s writing. Cath thinks that since the plot and dialogue are her own, the writing is hers too. Piper’s disapproval forces Cath to reevaluate the role of fanfiction in her creative life.

“If you wanted to meet other Star Trek fans in 1983, you’d have to join fan clubs by mail or meet up with other Trekkies at conventions.

When readers fell for Simon in 2001, the fan community was as close as the nearest keyboard.

Simon Snow fandom exploded on the Internet—and just keeps exploding. There are more sites and blogs devoted to Simon than to the Beatles and Lady Gaga combined.”

Star Trek was one of the first large media fandoms in the 21st century. While fandom communities have always existed, the internet has changed the ways fans interact. This quotation also demonstrates how the Simon Snow series alludes to the real-world Harry Potter series, which has a fandom online that surpasses any other fandom in size.

“‘So, if you didn't want the books to be over, you could just keep reading Simon Snow stories forever online.’

‘Exactly,’ Cath said earnestly. She’d thought Levi must be judging her, but he got it. ‘If you fall in love with the World of Mages, you can just keep on living there.’

‘I wouldn’t call that living,’ Reagan said.

‘It was a metaphor,’ Levi said gently.”

This quotation helps characterize both Levi and Reagan. Reagan, like Professor Piper, does not understand the role of fanfiction and fandom in people's lives. When Cath explains the draw of fanfiction, Levi immediately understands its appeal and sticks up for her when Reagan teases her.

“Cath turned to look at him, feeling a sudden guilty grab in her stomach. ‘Are you trying to tell me you can’t read?’

Levi pushed his hair back violently. ‘Of course I can read,’ he said. ‘Jesus Christ.’

‘Well, then, what are you trying to tell me? That you don’t want to?’

‘No. I—’ He closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose. ‘—I don't know why I’m trying to tell you anything. I can read. I just can’t read books.’

‘So pretend it’s a really long street sign and muddle through it.’

‘Jesus,’ he said, surprised. Hurt. ‘What have I ever done to make you be this mean to me?’”

Cath can sometimes be inconsiderate of other people’s problems. Because reading comes so easily to her, she fails to understand why Levi can technically read but cannot read books. Even though Levi is clearly sensitive about this, Cath teases him to the point of hurting his feelings, creating conflict between them as they begin Navigating Romantic Relationships together.

“She should have texted him back. (Levi, not Abel.)

But that would have been engaging in this situation. Like moving a chess piece. Or kicking off from the ground on a teeter-totter.

Better to leave Levi up in the air for a day or two than to end up stuck there by herself…

The fact that she was thinking about whatever this was in terms of playground equipment showed that she wasn’t ready for it. For him.

Levi was an adult. He had a truck. And facial hair. And he’d slept with Reagan; she’d practically admitted it.

Cath didn’t want to look at a guy and picture the people he’d slept with.”

As she navigates a new romantic relationship, Cath tries to invent reasons why she and Levi are incompatible. She lists superficial reasons why they cannot be together, like the fact that Levi is an adult and has facial hair, even though Cath is also an adult. Cath fears abandonment. Since romantic relationships always have the potential to end, she tries to think up reasons for not being in one in the first place.

“Cath didn’t tell him that she'd been writing love stories—rewriting the same love story—every day for the last five years. That she’d written love stories with and without the goo, love-at-first-sight stories, love-before-first-sight stories, love-to-hate-you stories…”

Even though people like Professor Piper have a negative view of fanfiction, Cath knows it has made her a better writer. The community aspect of fanfiction means that writers get immediate large-scale feedback on their work and lots of practice writing certain tropes and genres, like opposites-attract love stories. Nick is an upperclassman and has a high opinion of his own writing, but Cath’s experience makes her better at writing love stories than he is, though she is too tactful to show off.

“‘Sometimes…’ Cath said, ‘when I’m reading canon, I forget that Simon and Baz aren’t in love.’

‘Right? I love Gemma T. Leslie, I always will—I feel like she was this major force in my childhood—and I know that Magicath wouldn’t exist without GTL. But now, I think I love Magicath more. Like she might be my favorite author. And she’s never even written a book.’”

Professor Piper's feedback about the fanfiction Cath turned in briefly makes her doubtful and self-conscious. However, when she is wearing a piece of Carry On merchandise, she meets one of her own fans in the library. This interaction shows Cath the significance and impact of her fanfiction writing.

“‘Can we just be honest?’ he asked. He didn’t wait for her to answer. ‘This story was my idea. I started it. I’m the only one who works on it outside the library. I appreciate all of your help—you’re a genius editor, and you’ve got tons of potential—but do you really think it’s your story?’”

Cath’s relative inexperience in Navigating Romantic Relationships made her think that Nick was romantically interested in her, even though he was subtly manipulating her to steal her writing for his own final project. After saying he is turning in their story as his own, he tries to trick her into thinking it was never her story in the first place.

“‘I’m like him,’ she’d whispered.

‘You’re not,’ Wren said.

‘I am. I’m crazy like him.’ She was already having panic attacks.

She was already hiding at parties. In seventh grade, she’d been late to class for the first two weeks because she couldn't stand being in the halls with everyone else during passing periods. ‘It’s probably going to get worse in a few years. That’s when it usually kicks in.’”

Cath’s father has bipolar disorder, and she fears her anxiety is a precursor to another mental health condition that is “worse,” in her opinion. Though the symptoms of bipolar disorder can be treated with medication and professional consultation, the twins' father never stays on his medication after his hospitalizations because he thinks it makes him less creative. This hurts the twins, who are often left caring for him.

“‘But I don’t want to write my own fiction,’ Cath said, as emphatically as she could. ‘I don't want to write my own characters or my own worlds—I don’t care about them.’ She clenched her fists in her lap. ‘I care about Simon Snow. And I know he’s not mine, but that does not matter to me. I’d rather pour myself into a world I love and understand than try to make something up out of nothing.’”

Cath tries to explain the appeal of fanfiction to Professor Piper. Professor Piper thinks the most beautiful thing about writing is using fiction to work through painful things to create something new. Cath wants to escape the painful parts of her life by using her talent to add nuance to a world she already loves.

“She pulled on his new sweater, stretching it. ‘I don't think I’m any good at this. Boy-girl. Person-person. I don’t trust anybody. Not anybody. And the more that I care about someone, the more sure I am they're going to get tired of me and take off.’”

Cath realizes why she has been trying to push Levi away. Her mother’s abandonment when she was eight gave her a deep fear of abandonment from the other people she loves in her life and convinced her she was unimportant enough to abandon in the first place. Adding another important person to her life feels like one more potential future abandonment.

“‘You’ve really been thinking about this, haven’t you?’

‘I came up with the ground rules the first time you guys kissed. Four, Levi is my friend, and you can't be jealous of that. […] And in return, I won’t flex my best-friend muscles just to remind myself, and Levi, that he loved me first.’”

This quotation characterizes Reagan’s strength as a friend. When Cath and Levi strike up a romantic relationship, instead of being jealous, juvenile, or petty, Reagan uses open communication to establish ground rules for how they can each talk about Levi to one another to protect their friendship. Reagan teaches Cath that open and honest communication is key to Navigating Romantic Relationships as well as friendships.

“It took a few seconds for the lines and colors to resolve into a face Cath thought she might recognize. In those seconds, a part of Cath ran to the blond stranger, wrapped her arms around her thighs, and pressed her face into her stomach. Part of Cath screamed. As loud as she could. And part of her set the whole world on fire just to watch it burn.”

Cath sees her mother for the first time in 10 years. This quotation establishes her mother as the root cause of Cath’s fear of abandonment and inability to trust people. When she sees her mother, she imagines herself as a traumatized child again, which traces her contemporary fears back to that moment. She experiences conflicting emotions, depicting the inner conflict Cath has struggled to navigate since childhood.

“Their father wouldn’t really do this. Make Wren drop out of school. That would be crazy...

But their father was crazy. And maybe he was right: Wren was out of control. She was the worst kind of out of control. The kind that thinks it’s just fine, thanks.

Cath liked the idea of Wren here. Wren and her father, all in one place, where Cath could take care of them. If only Cath could break off a piece of herself and leave it here to keep watch.”

Because Cath and Wren had to look after themselves and their father so early in life, Cath is used to being the caretaker rather than the one who is cared for. After Wren gets alcohol poisoning, Cath realizes the extent of Wren's trauma, which manifests in a different way than Cath’s does. Even though she should be Coming of Age and Exploring Identity in her first year at college, she wants to keep watch over her father and sister. Cath must learn to overcome the instinct to “break off” pieces of herself for other people.

“She was scared that he’d start touching her, and then that they wouldn’t stop. She was scared that she wasn't ready to be that person yet. The person who does not stop. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. Levi looked down at their hands, and he looked so disappointed and confused and it was such a piss-poor way to treat him. Dishonestly. Distantly.”

As Cath’s relationship with Levi grows more serious, she experiences fear about coming of age and growing into a more adult person, with more adult relationships. At the same time, she experiences guilt for how her own fears affect her communication and honesty with Levi, who has always gone the extra mile to help and defend her.

“Levi laughed, and Cath felt it on her neck.

Baz laughed, and Simon felt it on his eyelashes.”

A line from one of Cath’s fics is interspersed with the main narration. This quotation uses parallelism to show the similarities Cath perceives between her relationship with Levi and Baz’s relationship with Simon. Both relationships are opposites-attract romances in which one person struggles to love themselves and accept love from others.

“‘He loves it,’ she said. ‘Simon Snow. Fanfiction, everything. He makes me read my stuff out loud to him.’

‘Isn’t he squicked by the slash?’

‘No, he’s Zen. Why? Is Jandro?’

‘Oh yeah.’

‘Is he squicked by gay people?’

‘No…Well, maybe. It's more the idea of straight girls writing about gay boys; he thinks it’s deviant.’”

Many people with marginalized identities, such as women and queer people, use fanfiction to explore identity and sexuality away from mainstream patriarchy. Though Levi likes Cath’s fiction, Wren’s boyfriend, Jandro, thinks it is “deviant.” This type of prejudice proves the need for fan communities where people are free to experiment with identity and sexuality.

“‘I know that you like me,’ she said.

‘You know that I love you.’

Cath kept staring at the pan. ‘But she’s a lot like me. Some of our best friends couldn’t even tell us apart. And then, when they could, it would be because Wren was the better one. Because she talked more or smiled more—or just flat-out looked better.’”

For much of the novel, Cath struggles with her overreliance on Wren, comparing herself to her twin and wondering what her individual identity is like. Here, she confesses her fears to Levi, finally being honest with him rather than panicking and lying to him. In turn, Levi assures her of his affection for her specifically, helping Cath realize her worth as an individual as well as part of a pair.