Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl's Confabulous Memoir

Fiction | Novel | YA | Published in 2016

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Summary

Background

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Introduction-Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Character Analysis

Themes

Symbols & Motifs

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Tools

Beta

Discussion Questions

Symbols & Motifs

The Pocketknife

The narrator carries a pocketknife with her throughout the entirety of the text. Initially it symbolizes both violence and protection. She admits that she uses the knife to harm herself, to “open mouths in her skin” to release the insects that symbolize her trauma. She also considers it an important tool for protecting herself, although that inevitably means hurting others. In this way, the pocketknife also symbolizes violence more broadly. The narrator explains that, from her perspective, she and the pocketknife need one another. Addressing the knife directly in one of her poems, she states: “[I] know that you can’t make it better, that you can’t fix what’s always been broken, but still, i deserve this, you” (128). In her mind, the narrator and the pocketknife are inextricably intertwined. Eventually, however, the narrator recognizes that she must forgive herself and that in order to do that, she must also forgive her knife. She does so by giving the knife away, literally setting it free of the meaning that she has placed on it. She sends it to her sister but cautions her to use it only if she really needs it. The narrator has learned that the pocketknife is only as important, and as dangerous, as its possessor makes it, so she tells her sister to use it sparingly.

The Swarm of Bees

Early in the text, the narrator explains to the reader that she has a swarm of bees that lives inside her body. They took up residence there after coming into her bedroom one night, when she was just six years old, to attack her. She remembers: “I lay there, clutching the sheets in my fists, and waited for it to be over. I prayed to the ravenous swarm, forgive me. And at last they were finished” (18). Then, while some flew away, others built their nests inside of her. The description of this event—the fact that it occurs while she is in bed, and that she lies there hoping it will be over soon—signifies sexual trauma or assault. The bees that remain, living within her, symbolize the lingering traces of this trauma on her body and her identity. This symbolism is evident in the way that the bees “buzz” whenever the narrator’s consent is questioned, or when she is about to engage in a sexual encounter. For example, when Valaria kisses her and begins to fondle her, the narrator remarks that, “[c]louds of thick black bees swarm up in my lower body, roil in my stomach, crawl up my throat, buzzing angrily” (122). In this moment, the bees represent her panic, serving as a metaphor for her very visceral post-traumatic response to a physical encounter that she does not want.

Eventually, the narrator recognizes that she cannot live with these bees inside her forever, and she decides to draw them out with “sweetness,” by baking a cake. It seems to work, as when she talks to Josh, her suitor from the university, she notices that there are “no bees no bees no bees!” (164). This realization suggests that the narrator may have successfully come to terms with her trauma. At the very least, she can tell that Josh is a safe person who would not pursue her without her consent.

The Forgiveness Cake

After falling into depression and despair after the police sting and the murder of the cop, the narrator knows that she must find a way to address all the sorrow and trauma inside of her. Alzena the Witch advises her to “catch” her swarm of bees with “sweetness,” so the narrator decides to bake a cake. As its name suggests, this cake symbolizes forgiveness—not only of others, but of herself as well. The narrator’s description of the finished cake suggests that this forgiveness must be deep, sincere, and even painful, the narrator says:

The cake is red. Red like flesh scraped raw after being thrown onto the pavement. Red like poisonous berries gathered by the side of the highway in the dark. Red like wanting the woman you love to answer your calls. Red like forgiveness (159).

This description makes it seem as if the cake will be difficult to eat, hard to stomach. In fact, its deep red rawness stands in contrast to its sugary-sweet taste. It is so magically sweet that even its aroma is enough to draw people, including Rapunzelle, out of their homes in search of the delicious smell. The cake, and therefore the act of forgiveness, thus becomes magical in nature. As the narrator eats her cake, the feelings it produces within her spread and flow to all the other people she has touched in her life, even her family back in Gloom. In this way, the power of forgiveness, as illustrated in the “forgiveness cake,” can be both intensely personal and communal.