Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock

“Some days he encourages me to write; other days he says I’m ‘gifted’ and then smiles like he’s being truthful, and I’ll come close to asking him the question about his never-exposed forearms, but I never do, and that seems odd—utterly ridiculous, considering how badly I want to ask and how much the answer could save me.” 

Leonard admires and obsesses about Herr Silverman, who never lets his high school students see his forearms. Leonard believes that Herr Silverman’s secret might relieve his pain, for Leonard senses that Herr Silverman also knows hardship. Furthermore, Herr Silverman encourages Leonard to express his creativity and intellect, while other teachers misunderstand him. 

“Walt smiles real sad, makes his Bogie face, and says, ‘What have you ever given me besides money? You ever given me any of your confidence, any of the truth? Haven’t you tried to buy my loyalty with money and nothing else?’ I recognize the quote. It’s from The Maltese Falcon. So I finish it by saying, ‘What else is there I can buy you with?’ We look at each other in our Bogart hats and it’s like we’re communicating, even though we’re completely silent. I’m trying to let him know what I’m about to do. I’m hoping he can save me, even though I realize he can’t.” 

Leonard and Walt might communicate through lines from Humphrey Bogart films, but their words apply to the situation at hand. Leonard has just lied to Walt about the origins of the hat he gave him; Walt challenges Leonard, through the Bogart lines he selects, to tell the truth. Leonard considers the difficult truth—that he will not live through the day—and decides not to share it with his friend, although he wishes Walt could save him from himself.

“You believe in the future now. It’s easy for you, because you love the present. Also, because you have S now. You still get melancholy sometimes, especially when you think about the past, but mostly you are happy. It’s a good, weird life.” 

In “Letter from the Future Number 1,” Leonard writes as his imaginary father-in-law, Commander E, who explains the vastly changed world in the year 2032. Leonard has undergone considerable changes as well. Through this imagined scenario, Leonard considers the joyful life and the family he desires, which contrasts the painful isolation he endures in the present. 

“We have a very loose dress code here and yet most of you pretty much dress the same. Why? Perhaps you feel it’s important not to stray too far from the norm. Would you not also wear a government symbol if it became important and normal to do so?” 

Herr Silverman asks these challenging questions in his Holocaust class. The teacher repeatedly emphasizes the dangers of conformity by discussing Germans who complied with the Nazi regime. Leonard, who always feels different from his peers, connects with Herr Silverman and his ideas, while other students balk at the implied comparison between their behavior and that of Nazis.

“Maybe being stressed about work and complaining all the time are a welcome respite from being Leonard Peacock’s mom? I don’t know. But thinking about that makes me sad. Especially since she became a fashion designer right after I tried to tell her about the bad stuff that happened with Asher. It was like my failed confession drove her away from me—made me repugnant.” 

In this footnote, Leonard ruminates on the absence of his mother, who spends most of her time away from home and forgets her son’s birthday. Although Leonard once attempted to explain how Asher sexually abused him, Linda denied it and kept a distance from her son afterward. Leonard, hurt, confused, and enraged by Linda’s behavior, wonders if he shamed and disgusted his mother with his important confession. 

“Show me it’s possible to be an adult and also be happy. Please.”

While traveling to Philadelphia on his personal research trips, Leonard imagines he can speak telepathically with the workers he watches and follows. He “tells” them to skip work for spontaneous fun, like taking a trip or skinny-dipping. Then he pleads with them to reveal the secret to fulfillment, despite his growing belief that adulthood only holds misery. These trips demonstrate Leonard’s search for hope amidst feelings of hopelessness. 

“She says, ‘I’ve tried to contact your—’ I use my acting voice to say, ‘Make you a wholesome answer. My wit’s diseased. But, sir, such answer as I can make, you shall command—or, rather, as you say, my mother. Therefore no more but to the matter. My mother, you say—’ Mrs. Giavotella just sort of stares at me like she’s afraid, so I say, ‘You’re supposed to jump in as Rosencrantz,’ and in my acting voice I say, ‘“Then thus she says: your behavior hath struck her into amazement and admiration.” You see—I was quoting from Hamlet. You did realize that, right? You can’t be that much of a shitty teacher.’” 

As Mrs. Giavotella confronts him about his poor exam performance, Leonard uses the acting skills he practices with Walt to demonstrate his mastery of Hamlet. To prove that he deserves a high grade on his Hamlet exam, he intimidates his teacher. Leonard concludes his recitation by directing his rage to Mrs. Giavotella, insulting her job performance and provoking her own outrage. 

“It was like the violin bow was a magic wand, and the vibrations that came out of the holes cut into that little wooden instrument were a force that few could reckon with. He seemed to grow tall in front of me. And I understood why he didn’t need friends or to be accepted at our shitty racist high school, because he had his music, and that was so much better than anything we had to offer.” 

Leonard marvels at Baback’s secret: his extraordinary talent with the violin. This experience draws Leonard to Baback, who is bullied like him, and inspires him to listen to Baback practice for three years. Leonard appreciates someone with unique abilities, but he does not yet recognize his own valuable attributes. 

“I see Asher Beal in the hallway. I make my hand into the shape of a gun and fire at him as he passes. I miss twice, but then score a head shot. ‘Dead!’ ‘What’s wrong with you?’ he says, shaking his soon-to-be leaky skull. ‘Everything!’ I yell. ‘Nothing! You choose!’ People in the hallway are looking at me like I’m crazy—like they wish I would disappear.” 

Briefly confronting the target of his revenge, Leonard mimics the assassination strategies he has practiced in the safety of the school halls, daring an onlooker to discover his plans. Asher, however, dismisses the gesture and his former friend. Peers balk at Leonard’s outburst, solidifying his low self-view and isolation. 

“[…] I want someone to figure it out, to piece together all the hints I’ve been dropping all day long, for years and years even, but no one ever figures it out, and I’m beginning to see why people go mad and do awful things—like the Nazis and Hitler and Ted Kaczynski and Timothy McVeigh and Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold and Cho Seung-Hui all34 did and so many other horrific people whom we learn about in school and—You know what? Fuck Linda for forgetting my birthday—FUCK HER—because how do you forget giving birth to someone eighteen years ago today and IRRESPONSIBLE and IRRESPONSIBLE and selfish and culpable and inhumane and—” 

Drifting off in Holocaust class, Leonard turns agitated, despairing, and enraged. He reveals that he wants someone—whether one of his four allies, a classmate, a parent, or an adult at school—to realize his plans for murder and suicide. As he rants, he cites people who committed very public murders, including the two Columbine shooters and Ted Kaczynski, the “Unabomber.” Leonard also blames his mother for abandoning her responsibility to him when he needs her most. 

“He writes his cell phone number down in green ink, hands me the slip of paper, and says, ‘Write the letters from the future, Leonard. Those people want to meet you. Your life is going to get so much better. I promise you that. Just hold on as best you can—and believe in the future.’”

Herr Silverman stands alone as the compassionate, attentive, generous person who goes beyond the expected to help Leonard. Herr Silverman perceives the meaning behind Leonard’s distress signals and offers his personal number to his student to use in case of suicidal plans. He assures Leonard that if he imagines the future he wants and makes it through the difficult present, he will find companionship and love on the other side.

“I must say, her never having been kissed was really attractive to me for some reason. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe I was drawn to Lauren’s innocence. Maybe it reminded me of who I was before all the bad stuff went down.”

Leonard fixates on kissing the pious Christian, Lauren Rose, because he perceives her as an outsider like himself. Her innocence evokes his loss of youthful happiness after his father left and Asher sexually abused him. These tremendous difficulties led to deep inner pain that was never properly addressed, leaving Leonard to sort through his issues alone.

“[…] she turns her

face from my mouth

and yells ‘Stop’ in

this high-pitched

squeal that is the

complete antithesis of

Bacall’s warm sexy

brassy voice and

when I keep kissing

her cheek and ear, she

smashes my chin with

the heel of her hand, […].” 

Quick represents Leonard’s inner turmoil through brief lines of text in a thin column on the page. Leonard, overcome with his feelings for Lauren, kisses her without consent and tries to hang onto the pleasure of the moment as she fights him off. Time slows down as he experiences her resistance, shattering his fantasy of himself as Humphrey Bogart and the girl as Lauren Bacall.

“These people we call Mom and Dad, they bring us into the world and then they don’t follow through with what we need, or provide any answers at all really—it’s a fend-for-yourself free-for-all in the end, and I’m just not cut out for that sort of living.”

Leonard’s upbringing has shown him that he cannot depend on the adults who are supposed to support and love him. Moreover, he concludes that his and Asher’s parents allowed them to undergo trauma, because they weren’t attending to their children as they should. Considering these circumstances reinforces Leonard’s disillusionment with life and his plans for suicide. 

“‘Something happened on the fishing trip,’ he said. He looked at me in this crazy way. He looked so desperate. […] I was so confused that I let him walk away without saying a word. I know now that I should have chased him, asked again what was wrong, promised to help him, or—at the very least—I should have told someone that Asher was acting weird, but I was afraid of that desperate look. I didn’t want Asher to punch me again—and I was just a kid.” 

In retrospect, Leonard understands what his 11-year-old self did not: that Asher’s Uncle Dan sexually abused him on their fishing trip. Leonard feels guilty that he didn’t understand Asher’s words and help his friend in his time of need. However, as a child, Leonard lacked the maturity to address the situation more effectively.

“Asher told me not to ask questions—to keep what happened between us, not to think about it too much—and he looked mean when he said it, like someone I didn’t know, not like a friend at all. The more it happened, the less friendly he got. It went on for two years.” 

Leonard finally unveils the truth of his experiences with Asher as he prepares to murder his former friend. Asher abused Leonard with intimidation, as well as threats, blackmailing, and unwanted sexual behavior over a tremendously painful two-year period. As an abuse survivor, Leonard carries many unresolved feelings, including rage, and has never told anyone what Asher did to him. 

“We just never got around to taking another daylong ride, maybe because of what Asher’s uncle started, and that seems so so fucking sad right now, such a missed opportunity, that my eyes get all watery and my vision blurs. 

My P-38 is

still pointed

at the primary

target, but I’m 

starting to realize 

that I’m not

going to 

complete 

this mission.” 

Leonard’s motivation to kill Asher subsides as he experiences grief, not only for their similar trauma but all the fulfilling experiences they might have had without it. Again, the text constricts as Leonard slowly decides not to murder his former friend. His inspiration from his war-hero grandfather, as well as his internet research, haven’t produced the stoic soldier he hoped to be in this moment. 

“For some crazy reason, I remember this James Baldwin quote Herr Silverman had us debate in his Holocaust class […]. Here’s the quote: People pay for what they do, and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it very simply; by the lives they lead.”

As he often does, Leonard reflects on a significant moment from Herr Silverman’s class. The American writer James Baldwin explains that people experience the consequences of their actions through the contents of their lives. Leonard initially took justice into his own hands because he did not see Asher paying for his crimes at all. Leonard doubts Baldwin, because Leonard sees himself paying for others’ sins. 

“What a birthday it’s been. What a life. I raise the P-38 and press the mouth into my temple once more. I close my eyes. I squeeze the trigger.”

This climactic moment sees Leonard at his lowest point. He has delivered his gifts, abandoned his murder plot, and given his mother one final chance to acknowledge his birthday. Feeling detached and devoid of hope, he uses his grandfather’s war trophy to kill himself. 

“‘Happy birthday, Leonard. Are you eighteen today?’ Hearing someone say ‘happy birthday’—I know it seems so fucking stupid, but it sort of makes me feel better all of a sudden.”

Leonard finally tells someone the truth: that this pivotal day is his birthday. After hinting at this fact through gift-giving, Leonard receives the acknowledgement he craves, suggesting that someone else values his life. Herr Silverman responds to Leonard’s confession not with derision or confusion, but kindness.

“And I know how hard being different can be. But I also know how powerful a weapon being different can be. How the world needs such weapons. […] And unique people such as you and me need to seek out other unique people who understand—so we don’t get too lonely and end up where you did tonight.”

Herr Silverman acknowledges that Leonard has innate qualities that others don’t share. Although Leonard believes this makes him unfit for life, Herr Silverman knows Leonard has greatness within and plenty to share with the world. As someone else with a unique identity, Herr Silverman empathizes with the main character and realizes the risks at hand if Leonard remains alone in life and ignorant of his value.

“‘It would mean a lot to me if you just let me watch the movie with you. I’m really tired. I don’t have much left in the proverbial tank. It was a hell of a night. It really was. I need some Bogart. Bogie medicine. Whadda ya say?’ He looks at me for a second or two—examines my face, trying to figure my angle out—and then says, ‘Sure. Sure. Bogart. We can do that,’ real cautiously, like maybe he thinks I’m trying to trick him, even though I’m being utterly sincere and honest—maybe for the first time in years.”

After his climactic night, Leonard decompresses with his friend Walt in front of a Humphrey Bogart movie. Rather than lying to Walt about his true feelings, as he did the day before, Leonard chooses transparency instead. Confused about Leonard’s recent behavior, Walt still acts skeptical but accepts Leonard’s request for a restful hour with the film.

“I spoke with your teacher, Mr. Silverman. He was a bit dramatic. He said you had your grandfather’s old war gun. As if that paperweight would ever fire, I told him. Well, you fooled him with your prank, because he was really concerned, Leo. Enough to insist I come home from New York immediately. You’ve caused quite a stir. I’m here. So let me have it—what’s so important? I’m listening.” 

During Linda’s only appearance in the novel’s present action, she monologues before her son about the previous day’s events, failing to comprehend Leonard’s recent crisis. She has still not remembered his birthday and denies that Leonard endangered himself or others with the Nazi P-38, minimizing the seriousness of his actions. She prioritizes her work above caring for him and claims to be listening, although she leaves him little room to reply.