Go Ask Alice

Gran and Gramps encourage Alice to spend time with her friends before returning home, so Alice agrees to attend a party at Bill’s house. She knows the kids will use LSD, but she rationalizes partaking one last time as a farewell; Alice doesn’t plan to use drugs when she returns home. A few days later, she attends another party at Bill’s and loses her virginity to him. Alice initiates the sex while hallucinating on LSD. Although she enjoys having sex, she feels guilty when she remembers her plan for her first sexual experience to be with Roger. As Alice writes about the party, she becomes increasingly unsettled, worrying about pregnancy. She recalls a girl who left school after becoming pregnant, and Alice worries about the embarrassment should she have the same experience. Scared, she feels desperate to speak with someone who knows about sex and conception.

Home from vacation, Roger surprises Alice with a visit. Alice believes he looks “more breathtakingly good-looking than ever” (38). As he tells Alice about his plan to attend military school, Alice feels ashamed of her sexual activity and drug use. Still concerned about being pregnant, Alice decides not to date Roger for fear of getting him involved. Gran assumes that Alice and Roger had a lover’s quarrel. She gives Alice irrelevant advice, which makes Alice even more desperate to talk with someone about drugs, sex, and pregnancy. She steals her grandfather’s sleeping pills.

Alice flies home, happy to be back with her loving family. She plans to forget her summer parties while asking God for forgiveness. Her family thinks she’s ill, and Roger writes a long letter expressing concern about Alice’s health. Having exhausted her supply of stolen sleeping pills, Alice can’t rest and doesn’t enjoy eating. Concerned, her mother takes her to the family doctor, who prescribes more sleeping pills. Alice doesn’t care about the rest as much as she wants to be unconscious to avoid her problems. When the sleeping pills don’t work, Alice convinces her doctor to prescribe tranquilizers. Feeling more relaxed, Alice writes an emotionally charged letter to Roger, though she doesn’t tell him about using drugs, having sex, or her potential pregnancy. Alice feels desperate to speak with someone about her summer activities; simultaneously, she feels compelled to keep everything secret.

Later in August, Alice rejoices when her menstrual cycle begins.

Beth returns from camp, and Alice thinks she acts completely different from a few months ago. Now in a serious relationship, Beth hardly has time to spend with Alice. Alice goes shopping at a trendy boutique and meets a girl named Chris, who teaches her to straighten her hair. Alice buys trendy clothes recommended by Chris, who works at the boutique. Her parents are deeply unsettled by Alice’s appearance, calling her a hippie. Alice’s mom and dad lecture her about how she should look and act, and Alice feels disappointed. She wants to confide in her parents about her drug use, but she doesn’t think they’ll listen to her.

Roger writes, confirming his plans to attend military school. Alice feels upset knowing that she won’t see him for months, perhaps longer. She visits Chris at the store again, and the girls bond over soda. Alice expresses her heartache about Roger, and Chris gives Alice a heart-shaped candy, explaining that it will boost her energy. Alice eats the candy (which is laced with amphetamine) and feels rejuvenated. She accomplishes chores and takes care of herself, though she must take a sleeping pill to fall asleep.

Alice’s parents continue to criticize her appearance, warning her that she’ll attract the “wrong kind of people” (46). Chris relates to Alice’s disconnect from her parents; Chris’s dad travels constantly for work, and her mother keeps busy with volunteer work for the town. Both girls feel misunderstood by their parents and dislike being at home. Chris recommends Alice to the boutique manager, and Alice begins working there with Chris on the weekends. She loves the job and spending time with Chris, who continues to supply Alice with amphetamines.

Chris and Alice start school and enjoy friendships with the popular crowd. Alice uses drugs daily to curb her appetite and focus on schoolwork. She happily reports that she weighs 103 pounds and feels confident about her skin and hair. She feels okay not having a boyfriend since she’s waiting for Roger. Although school is going well, Alice strongly dislikes home life. Her parents still critique her appearance, yelling at her if she acts even slightly disrespectful. Chris’s parents are on the brink of divorce, so she and Alice consider running away to San Francisco.

Chris introduces Alice to Richie and Ted, and the foursome smoke marijuana together. Alice enjoys the relaxed high she experiences, delighting in simple sensations like rubbing her feet on a sheepskin rug and eating a very salty peanut. The group gets ice cream together, and Richie takes Alice home at midnight. Instead of scolding Alice for staying out past curfew, her parents exhibit tremendous approval of Richie, who looks like a “clean-cut” boy.

Richie and Ted supply Alice and Chris with marijuana to sell. Alice rationalizes that selling is safer for her and Chris, as boys are more likely to get caught. Because Ted and Richie are in college, Alice thinks they need more time to study than high school girls. She justifies the morality of selling marijuana by marketing it only to older kids who already use it. Alice plans her life with Richie, now believing that she’ll marry him someday. Richie studies medicine, and Alice accepts his education as superior to hers. She wishes she could spend more time with him; they only see each other once a week, when he resupplies her with drugs. She enjoys having sex with him, though she’d like to try sex while sober.

Alice feels repulsed with herself for selling LSD to a nine-year-old. She thinks Richie needs to speak with her father about securing a scholarship so that she and Chris won’t have to sell as many drugs to support him and Ted. Alice and Chris decide to surprise Richie and Ted, and they walk in on the men having sex with each other. Alice feels like a gullible fool, believing that she’s among many younger girls Richie manipulated.

Alice and Chris finalize their plan to run away to San Francisco for a fresh start. They both pledge not to use drugs anymore. Alice plans to turn Richie into the authorities before she leaves, not wanting him to sell to more grade school children. With increasing frequency, Alice forgets to date her diary entries. She sneaks away in the middle of the night, leaving a note for her family explaining her departure and apologizing. Running away gives Alice a renewed perspective on her family as good and loving. She thinks she’ll save them from shame by leaving.

Arriving in San Francisco, Alice and Chris find a small, dirty hostel to rent for the month while they look for jobs. Alice feels miserable but hopeful that she and Chris will grow into San Francisco. They exhaust themselves, looking for jobs and returning to a damp, uncomfortable room. Their money dwindles.

Alice finds a job at a lingerie store. It doesn’t pay well, but she accepts the position. She plans to continue her job search alongside Chris, who hopes to find a position in a high-end boutique. The girls plan to open their own boutique in a year.

The girls tour San Francisco, and although Alice has fun seeing the Golden Gate Bridge and Chinatown, she feels increasingly homesick. Chris finds a job in an expensive boutique, working for a woman named Shelia, whom Alice thinks is gorgeous. Alice treats herself to a pair of sandals from the boutique. Although the girls’ plan is coming to fruition, Alice wishes she could go home. She fears Richie’s retribution for turning him into the police, which is one of the many reasons she decides to stay with Chris. She wishes she could write to her family but knows her postmark would reveal her location.

Miserable at the lingerie shop, Alice finds a new job at a high-end jewelry store. She adores her new boss, Mr. Mellani, who frequently talks about his wife and eight kids. Mr. Mellani instantly feels like family to Alice. He invites Alice and Chris to dinner at his house. The girls find the family loving and charming and adore seeing the children crawl all over their parents.

Shelia invites Alice and Chris to a party at her house. The girls worry about what to wear; they can’t afford new, trendy clothes. Shelia instructs them to dress casually and comfortably. Excited, Alice anticipates another positive experience like the dinner at Mr. Mellani’s. However, the partygoers start smoking marijuana, and Alice and Chris partake. Alice equally feels ashamed of herself and relieved and happy to be using drugs again. She and Chris attend several more parties at Shelia’s upscale apartment, sleeping over and resuming their party lifestyle.

Shelia and her boyfriend convince Alice and Chris to try heroin. Although Alice enjoys the relaxed calmness the drug provides, she later realizes that Shelia and her boyfriend brutally sexually assaulted her and Chris while they were borderline unconscious. The assault convinces Alice and Chris to renew their commitment to sobriety. They move close to Berkeley University, finding a small apartment from which they plan to sell jewelry. Chris builds on relationships with suppliers she met via Shelia, and Alice intends to make original creations. The girls enjoy redecorating their new place, working long days to prepare the shop. College students express interest in the shop, and the girls sell $20 worth of merchandise on their opening day. Exhausted, they feel proud of their cute store.

Most of the students stop in to watch television at their place, and the girls start selling cold beverages. They continue to sell plenty of jewelry. However, their living quarters are uncomfortable; they rarely have hot water, and Alice tries not to think about Christmas away from her family, which is quickly approaching. Chris and Alice admit how badly they want to use speed, but both maintain sobriety.

Alice misses her family tremendously, especially when she hears the song “She’s Leaving Home.” No longer afraid of Richie, she plans to leave the shop to Chris in a few months and return home. The college kids talk about using drugs and about the political turmoil in the country. Alice feels distressed and weighed down by the constant temptation and dreads the conversations at the shop. She and Chris enjoy a day off together, but Alice doesn’t tell Chris how lonely and homesick she feels. She tires of being around whiny college kids who get to go home and see their families for Christmas.

Alice finally calls home. Although troubled, her mother is ecstatic to hear from her. She offers to wire her money or buy her a plane ticket, but both Chris and Alice decide to return home. Their families meet the girls at the airport. Gran and Gramps also fly in for the holidays, and Alice feels greatly relieved to be back with her family. Chris’s parents no longer plan to divorce; Alice hypothesizes that their daughter’s disappearance brought them together. Alice and Chris share Polaroid photos of their shop, though they don’t speak of their drug use or sexual assault. Alice learns that Richie and Ted no longer live in the area. Relieved, she checks her enrollment status at high school.

Alice repents for her sins on Christmas Day and recommits to sobriety. She wants to feel joyful and triumphant, like the Christmas carol, “Oh Come All Ye Faithful.” The day after Christmas, Alice helps her mother and Gran clean up after their party. She notices that her family no longer treats her like a child, which is a huge relief. The days between Christmas and New Year’s feel happy and alleviating to Alice. She looks forward to focusing on her school work and leaving drug use in her past.