Go Ask Alice

Alice’s mom conveys pride in her for spending time with the popular group at school again. Alice finds this hilarious and no longer confides in her mother about anything significant. The police raid Chris’s house one evening while the girls are smoking. They swear it’s their first time but worry about who turned them in. Both girls adhere to strict curfews, and Alice’s parents demonstrate concern for her health, insisting that in addition to visiting her general practitioner she meet weekly with a psychologist. Alice isn’t allowed to go anywhere by herself and starts to resent her parent’s controlling behavior.

At school, a friend slips Alice amphetamines. She waits until her family is asleep before taking them. Alice makes an impulsive decision to run away again. Her next diary entry is in Denver, Colorado. With only $20 stolen from her father’s wallet, Alice makes a few friends who have a substantial stash of acid. Alice fails to date her diary entries again. The kids travel together to Coos Bay, Oregon. While Alice likes this new location, it rains constantly, and Alice has nowhere to stay. Separated from the kids she traveled with, Alice seeks refuge in a church. From there, Alice finds help at a “kind of Salvation Army type place” (89). She receives clean, dry clothes, Kotex, and medicine for a bad cold she’s fighting. Alice meets a girl named Doris, who invites her to stay in her apartment. Only 14, Doris shares her sizeable supply of marijuana with Alice.

Soon, the girls run out of money, food, and drugs. Still sick, Alice considers asking for money alongside others in transient living situations. She and Doris are desperate for food and drugs. Alice considers calling her parents and returning home. She feels terrible for Doris, who doesn’t have a home where she can return. Doris’s mother remarried when she was 10 years old, and her stepfather began raping her when she turned 11. After several years of abuse, Doris reported him to her gym teacher. For her safety, Doris entered a home for juveniles; however, two teenage boys raped her, causing her to run away. The girls hear about a rally in Southern California and decide to go. They hitchhike, first getting a ride from a truck driver who hurts Doris and makes her cry; they have to run away from him. Alice and Doris then find a ride with kids their age.

The rally has copious amounts of marijuana, acid, and alcohol. Alice has a great time and thinks the world is a beautiful place. She begins to question her sexuality, noticing that she’s often attracted to girls, but feels ashamed of these feelings and wants to return home. She draws disturbing pictures instead of sharing stories with her new friends. Alice performs oral sex on a drug dealer to maintain her supply. She meets a pregnant woman experiencing burnout. Alice asks what will happen to the baby when it’s born, and the woman explains the community setting (others who use drugs) in which she will raise her daughter. Alice feels disturbed by the woman’s plan.

Alice believes something’s off with her pills since she often blacks out and can’t remember the date. She reads a newspaper that reports on the consequences of teenage drug use in the area; a woman gave birth in a park, and two young men died via overdose, which causes Alice to feel jealous.

Alice meets a priest who convinces her to call her parents. Relieved to hear from her, Alice’s parents plan to collect her immediately. Alice can’t believe her parents still love her. She recommits to sobriety, wanting to live an exemplary life and please her family, and regrets running away. Alice ties her hair back and trades clothes with someone who looks more presentable. She finds a pair of sneakers in the gutter.

Alice writes about the other kids she met on her journey before her parents arrive. She can relate to many of them and feels inspired to become a psychologist and help children like her. Alice intends to buy a new diary when she arrives home, wanting a fresh start. Alice rereads her last several weeks of diary entries and feels detached from and repulsed by her actions. She can’t remember half of the experiences she wrote about. She believes that her only options for redemption are to die by suicide or to help others.

Alice begins a new diary. Back at home, Alice cherishes her time with her parents, siblings, and grandparents. She speaks honestly with Tim about drugs, though she doesn’t share many specifics about her personal experiences. Alice realizes that she enjoys talking to her family members while sober, an observation she cherishes. She discovers how aged her grandparents look and worries that she’s responsible for increasing their stress. She enjoys the small moments, like playing with Alex’s kittens and listening to the crickets, but still feels ashamed and struggles to forgive her past actions.

At school, Alice’s principal belittles her, calling her “disgusting” and threatening to kick her out if she misbehaves. Alice feels even more determined to become a child psychologist, knowing that kids like her need to feel safe and able to communicate openly. She plans to study relentlessly until she catches up in all her classes.

Although she can’t explain why, Alice hallucinates while alone in her bedroom. Much of her hallucination resembles her time in Southern California, though she eventually transforms into a shooting star. She wakes naked on her bedroom floor, scared. Alice doesn’t understand what’s happening to her, and she wishes she had someone to speak with to comprehend the side effects of her drug use.

The family celebrates Alice’s mother’s birthday. She fixes her hair the way she knows her mom prefers. Tim and Alex take her to a movie, and Alice fixes an extravagant dinner. The entire family compliments Alice on her cooking skills, and Alice’s father exclaims that she’ll make “a good wife someday” (110). The compliment delights Alice, who desperately wants a family of her own.

Alice assesses her body while taking a bath. She realizes that she enjoys being a girl, and she thinks her confusion about her gender identity and sexuality was a symptom of drug overuse. She dislikes thinking about the past, still struggling to forgive herself. She achieves high scores on her math and English tests.

Jan, Alice’s school peer, invites Alice to a party. Alice declines but feels scared when Jan gives her a knowing smile as if she doesn’t believe Alice will stay sober. She feels lonely at school, refusing to hang out with her old friends, who all do drugs. The other kids stay away from Alice because of her reputation. She wants a boy to take her to the movies. She feels as though she’s never really had sex, even though she’s slept with multiple people. She begins addressing her diary like her best friend again. Jan begins taunting Alice at school.

Gramps has a stroke, and Alice’s parents fly out to see him while he receives critical care in the hospital. Alice takes care of her younger siblings; all three children feel overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of Gramps’s potential death. Alice worries about Gran being alone. Gramps dies after a few days in the hospital. Alice, Alex, and Tim fly there to meet their parents and attend his funeral. Alice feels unsettled, thinking about worms eating Gramps’s body. She hates seeing his body lowered into the ground. After the funeral, Gran returns home with the family; she plans to sell her house and move closer to Alice’s family. The entire family feels exhausted after the funeral. Alice cries frequently, thinking about Gramps. She considers the resurrection when she sees spring flowers bloom. She has nightmares about Gramps’s body covered in worms.

Alice’s father takes her to an antiwar rally at the university. She likes how her father speaks to her like an adult. They talk with another professor about their worries for American youth as death by suicide rates rise. Someone slips marijuana into Alice’s purse at school, shocking her. She skips her last few classes and takes a cab to her father’s office. Alice’s father reassures her that the family supports her, but Alice feels that the rest of the world is against her. She spends more time at the University, and her father secures permission for her to use the campus library. She recommits herself to her schoolwork, which slipped slightly after Gramps’s death.

Alice meets a college student named Joel while studying at the campus library. She explains that she’s still in high school, and Joel offers to walk her to her father’s office. Alice’s dad engages in polite conversation with Joel, which Alice appreciates. Her dad looks up Joel’s file, sharing with Alice that Joel attends the university on an accelerated program. His father is deceased, and Joel works as a janitor throughout the night to finance his education. Joel comes over for dinner, complimenting Alice on her cooking. Alice’s entire family enjoys spending time with him; Alice’s dad looks into securing a scholarship for him. Alice considers becoming Joel’s wife, writing her married name repeatedly in her diary.