How Does It Feel?

“I had goals and dreams, and they didn’t involve love. Love made you hurt. Love made you distracted and inevitably sad and empty when it fell apart.”

Again, Callie keeps herself distant from others. As the novel develops, many reasons for this are revealed, primarily the fact that she lost both her mother and her sister to a car accident. This is also a common trope to the romance genre, the reluctant lover who is eventually won over by their match.

“I was set to make my plea, asking how I could become a fairy as well, when a sudden gust of wind, quite unlike anything I’d ever felt still to this day, flung me several feet away from the tiny fairy and onto my back.”

When Callie sees the golden fairy as a child, her first instinct is to wish her way into the realm of the Fae. Thus, Callie’s connection to the Fae is formed when she is very young. She wishes to be like them, and this ultimately explains her undercover identity as an assassin: She will do anything to prove her loyalty to the Seelie, to be able to join their court and regain the missing half of her heart.

“Debauched red lips and over-sexed smoky eyes stared back in horror as I rubbed vehemently to remove the red lip but to no avail.”

Callie gets ready to go out to dinner with Earl (whom she later discovers is Prince Aurelius, or Eli). She overdoes her makeup and outfit for the occasion, and this is how she will accidentally present herself to Prince Mendax: She wears a tight black dress, high heels, and alluring makeup. This is not the practical, scientist Callie but rather the seductive, secretive Calypso, highlighting her duality and Desire and Danger.

“The large gap in the center of the trees gave way to silver mists of moonlight casting down gracefully upon them. It was beautiful, ethereal. Enough to distract me from the doomed feeling hovering over the area like a foreboding blanket.”

Callie witnesses her first glimpse of the luna moth. The scene is both magical and menacing, reflecting the fairy world in which she will soon be trapped, and highlighting the overlap between Science and the Supernatural. The simile here suggests that the threatening atmosphere smothers the beauty.

“It—for he was like no man—towered over me, easily six foot five or more. He wore armor similar to the others, save for the helmet. His pale face was smudged with dark dirt that seemed misplaced against his pale, porcelain skin. His gaze seemed to shine brighter under the moon, almost producing a silvery glow.”

Callie’s first impressions of Prince Mendax emphasizes his otherworldly nature; he is no mortal man. His appearance is imposing and threatening but also captivating. He exists in the liminal space between the real world and the fantasy one, between darkness and daylight, which speaks to the duality of his character.

“The always-cold metal bit into my wrists painfully, but again I welcomed the pain as a reminder that I was still alive enough to feel something.”

Callie embraces pain throughout the book, highlighting her Emotional Complexity; feelings of pain are better than having no feelings at all. This becomes part of the connection between Callie and Prince Mendax, their desire to feel rather than feel nothing. Later, Callie will experience pain as part of the pleasure in her physical relationship with Mendax. With pain, the pleasure is heightened.

“‘The Unseelie realm will take Earth because it is due to us.’ He turned his eyes away from the hiding guard and focused again on me. ‘When our space was divided, tell me why the Seelie were granted access to earth but not us? Because we are filled with darkness and they are filled with light? Most humans’ darkness could rival ours. The only real difference is we have the power and longevity of immortal life to back it up. Not fragile, impending mortality like you. So very easy to kill,’ he added softly.”

Prince Mendax unpacks the plot masterminded by his mother, the Queen, and himself. The Unseelie Fae were separated from the Seelie Fae, and their darkness was hidden from the humans. Mendax points out the irony in the situation: Humans are just as dark, capable of just as much evil, as the Unseelie. Callie proves his point by trying to kill him. The comment also reveals a threat on Callie’s life.

“I don’t know what came over me. Touching her with my bare hand. I’d never touched a human with my flesh before, only my smoke or gloves.”

Prince Mendax harbors a prejudice against humans, as does his mother. Most of the Fae see humans as prey, specifically as objects of sexual desire. While Mendax shares those views, he begins to feel something different for Callie. From that first touch, he becomes mesmerized by her beauty—and this fascination is reinforced when he finally witnesses her ferocity, highlighting Desire and Danger.

“We were taught as kids that evil is ugly and crass, and beauty is honest and good, but that is a dangerous lie. It’s so much more unsettling for your villain to be ungodly good-looking. It made it even harder to decipher the obscure feelings they elicited from your mind and body.”

Callie emphasizes the false dichotomy upon which many fairy tales are predicated. In some versions of the tales, the prince is always handsome and good; appearances represent character. Here, Mendax’s physical beauty masks an evil nature, and Callie is attracted to him despite his villainy. Again, this is a common trope within the modern fantasy genre, encompassing all sorts of attractive evils.

“Every single one of them had the look of a predator. Even the small friendly-looking ones held an air of mischief when their eyes caught me. If looks could kill, I would have disintegrated on the spot.”

As Callie walks into the ballroom at the Unseelie court, she is struck by the unmasked hunger in the faces of the Fae. In much of the traditional folklore, fairies are not small, benevolent beings, but rather impish tricksters who cause real, and sometimes fatal, harm. Fairies bewitch humans and imprison them, or leave them wondering about under a dreadful spell, endlessly searching for the realm of the Fae.

“I have never wanted to kill someone more in all my years. To be rid of this girl that has wriggled into my mind like a maggot. She was a human.”

Mendax’s growing desire for Callie fuels his feelings of disgust as much as his feelings of lust. The more he is attracted to her, the harder he fights such attraction. He reminds himself of his prejudice dehumanizing Callie (“like a maggot”), rendering her unworthy not only of his desire but also of her life.

“Actias luna—the beautiful sherbet green moths—clung to the matte black walls. Hundreds of them scattered and dotted the walls of the large room, giving the illusion of a beautifully contrasted wallpaper. They moved their wings slowly—not fluttering, but smooth and deliberate against the dark walls. Mendax had said they were like his pets. How poetic to be caged with the creature I had chased for years.”

The luna moth is the sigil of the Unseelie Fae; as such, they represent the Unseelie’s darkness (they are nocturnal creatures) and their elusiveness (they are endangered and rare). Notably, Mendax also calls Callie his pet. Just as she is compared to a maggot in the previous example, here she becomes synonymous with the moths. The luna moth is measurably more beautiful and, it seems, more independent, and this comparison represents his growth in affection for her. Callie’s vagueness about “the creature” she has been chasing foreshadows her true mission to assassinate Mendax.

“Humans couldn’t survive beyond the veil.”

Callie’s experience within the realm of the Fae has been nothing but harrowing. Without magical powers or immortal strength, she falls victim to every manner of abuse. During her first trial, she is hunted by winged creatures who spit acid at her, for example. Still, she proves her own assumption wrong: Callie does survive, not because she possesses magical powers but because she is intelligent and educated. Her scientific background becomes her salvation, highlighting Science and the Supernatural.

“‘Callie Peterson of the human realm has won her first trial,’ he said, humoring me, as a foreign gleam of respect flashed over his eyes and just as quickly left.”

While Mendax has already admitted his attraction to Callie’s physical beauty, he begins to become ensnared by her resilience and resourcefulness. When she ascertains how to trap and kill the giant winged creatures in the arena, Mendax realizes that she is more than just a pretty face. He is impressed by her bravado.

“It was intensely intimidating, but also…a part of me longed to touch his wings—they were unbelievably beautiful when you looked past the sharp edges. Like their owner.”

Mendax’s wings, made both of smoke and solid substance, can be interpreted as phallic symbols. He himself admits the wings showcase desire or prowess. Throughout the novel, his wings unfurl when he is excited, and Callie’s desire to touch them reveals her own sexual attraction. Her lifelong obsession with wings culminates in her growing fascination with Mendax.

“But then…then she had grabbed the candlestick ready to bludgeon me, and I saw a bloodthirsty fire burn like an unyielded torch behind her eyes—for me. No longer masking to be the lamb I knew she pretended to be. She revealed a murderous serpent every bit as dark as myself.”

Mendax clearly prefers the serpent to the lamb. Again, the metaphorical comparisons here serve to dehumanize Callie (though, in this case, the desire to dehumanize works in her favor: Mendax despises humans). It also foreshadows Callie’s betrayal: She is more like “a murderous serpent” than a harmless lamb.

“I saw the lust in his eyes though. Humans were like an exotic prize to most male fae, and this was no different. He was taking her for himself.”

Mendax refuses to allow the Seelie Fae to rescue Callie, fearing that they only want to take her for themselves. Humans in general, and Callie in particular, are objectified by the Fae, viewed as pawns in a larger game. The Seelie Fae are bound by supernatural law to return humans to their realm, while the Unseelie have no such directives.

“I could feel him, like a trickle of his emotions were entwined with mine. I could feel his anger, and it felt like spicy hot lava in the back of my mind. There was something else. It felt like…I don’t know…sadness?”

After Callie is bonded to Mendax, she can sense his thoughts and emotions. His anger runs hot—and it is no longer directed at her, but at anyone trying to take her from him—and she begins to access the fuller range of emotions. Mendax is not the monster he first appears. His love for Callie begins to humanize him.

“I ran from myself and my wrong and broken feelings as I clamored down the hard stairs, afraid of what truly would be my death if I didn’t escape.”

Even after Callie and Mendax have engaged in intimate activities, even after he tries to save her life, Callie still must run from him. Again, this plays into the tropes of the romantasy genre, the push-and-pull of forbidden love. It also serves to foreshadow Callie’s divided loyalties; she is bound to the Seelie Fae, and falling in love with the Unseelie prince could very well spell her doom.

“I must do something about her fragile human mortality—I could barely stomach the thought of her leaving me even in death.”

Mendax is eager to marry Callie, thereby passing along half of his powers to her. This will make her less mortal than she is as a human. There is something possessive about Mendax’s desire, as he does not want to part with her even in the event of her natural death.

“I was scared of dying, and a part of me—a part I was ashamed of—didn’t want to leave him. He was the only person that ever made me feel this way. Like I could show him all my monsters and he would only love me more.”

Callie, too, admits her overwhelming feelings for Mendax. Perhaps she desires exactly what he wishes to give her, even though that would likely mean the end of her own independence. She would no longer be free to return to the human world, and she would surely be separated from her adoptive Seelie family forever. This love will require much sacrifice from her.

“He definitely seemed the type that would rather kill even his bonded love instead of setting her free.”

Callie intuits that Prince Mendax is not prepared to set her free. However, he does not choose to set the beast on her; this is the Queen’s doing. He protects her, even to the end, when she tries to kill him. Callie fulfills her oath to the Seelie, thereby proving her loyalty. She refuses to sacrifice her freedom for her passion, for now.

“No, I would heal, and when I did, I would hunt her down. She would lead me to whoever had made her do this, and I would kill them long and slow for whatever pain they had caused her. Then I would stop at absolutely nothing—nothing—until she was mine forever, my queen. There wasn’t a person I wouldn’t kill or a world I wouldn’t destroy to get to her. If anything, this only made me want her more.”

Mendax survives the assassination attempt, and he immediately plots his revenge. Again, his obsessive desire for Callie compels him to act but also to protect her at all costs. While his possessiveness is made clear, as well as his desire for Callie, she is longing for him, too. Moreover, they are so similar, both dark people masked by beautiful faces, that the foreshadowed conflict of their reunion will likely be resolved between them, not by outside forces.