How It Feels To Float

It has been six days since Grace has texted Biz. Finally, Grace comes to Biz’s home, and the two decide to leave The Posse together. The Posse, for their part, tells the two they are not part of the group any longer anyhow and that both Grace and Biz are “slut bitch fuckinhoes” (81). Biz cannot believe Tim’s lie is enough to destroy her friendships: “You’d think it would take something bigger” (80). Grace and Biz wrestle with the double standard; the boys are heroes for saying they had sex while the girls are “sluts” (80) whether they really had sex or not. Grace, who has been drinking vodka, tells Biz to follow her. She heads to Suryan’s house and makes enough of a public disturbance, including breaking their living room window with a rock, that his parents call the police.

Grace and Biz are taken to the Youth Liaison Office. The officer explains the complaint and tells them both they are getting a warning this time. When Grace objects and refuses to sign the papers, the officer takes the girls to a jail cell, “which smells of bleach and loneliness and old vomit” (88), to give them time to cool off. After two hours, they both agree to sign the papers and are released.

Both girls are subsequently suspended from school. Grace’s mother withdraws Grace and enrolls her in a private school far away, where she will live with her father. Grace never even texts Biz goodbye. Biz is despondent and even considers suicide: “No one will miss you if you go” (94), she tells herself. For days, Biz cannot find a reason to get out of bed. Her father hangs about the edges of the bed, less a ghost and more of a blur until he vanishes.

As Biz sinks into depression, she thinks about her father’s death and the grief she carries inside her like a “sinkhole” (99). Biz does not return to school after her suspension, and after three weeks, her mother sends for a psychologist, named Bridgit, to talk to Biz. Bridgit recommends medication. In answer to her questions, Biz admits she is simply not feeling anything. She does not volunteer information about the visits from her dead father or her kiss with Grace. She asks her doctor whether she was trying to die by suicide on the day Jasper pulled her from the ocean, and the doctor replies, “Why is it so hard for you to be happy?” (105). Biz cannot answer the question.

Bridgit focuses on Biz’s relationship with her father and how desperately she wants her father back. She suggests that Biz can best honor her father’s memory by committing herself to living in the present. Biz now shares with Bridgit her recollections of the first times her father appeared to her and how glad she felt when it happened. To help in Biz’s recovery, Bridgit suggests Biz consider taking a night class at the local community college or perhaps begin some kind of exercise program; the only way for Biz to overcome her grief is to find a renewed interest in life.

She begins to swim at the neighborhood community center. As she swims in the virtually deserted pool, she feels herself lift out of the water, above the roof, above the gym, above the neighborhood. As the earth recedes, Biz feels “bliss” (114). Then, she abruptly returns to a body in the pool. As she heads home in the rain and waits at the bus stop, she feels part of the rain, as if she were a “blip of non-existence” (115), and thinks about what it would be like to not be here. She thinks of Gwyneth Paltrow’s character in Sliding Doors and of Alice tumbling into the looking glass.

Biz decides to take a six-week photography class that will meet on Friday nights. Both Bridgit and her mother are thrilled, and Biz thinks: “I’m turning over a new leaf. No more thoughts. No more obsessing over death, over Dad, over Grace” (119). She brings her father’s vintage SLR (single lens reflex) camera with her the first night. The camera is old and bulky, but working with it makes Biz feel close to her father. Biz sits next to a “very old lady” (137) whose energy and excitement impress Biz. Just when Biz begins to feel like she is melting again, the older woman introduces herself as Sylvia and, suddenly, everything stops melting.

After the second class, Sylvia invites Biz to her house to have tea and biscuits and talk about photography. Biz accepts. She arrives at Sylvia’s home and is charmed by its “old lady feel” (125). Sylvia tells Biz about her husband, who has been dead for years now, and how close she still feels to him. “The dead don’t leave us” (128), she tells Biz, although Biz disagrees. Among the many framed photos on her wall is none other than Jasper. Biz notices this but says nothing.

Sylvia helps Biz with the class, showing her how to develop film, how to mix the solution, set the darkroom, and watch as the “story comes to life under the tongs in [her] hands” (130). Biz begins to develop her photos, one of a dog, another of a man at the wheel of his boat. The photos talk to Biz and tell her stories.

After four weeks, Biz finally asks Sylvia how she knows Jasper. Sylvia tells her he is her grandson and that he has been out of school for months recovering from leg surgery. In a moment of honesty, Biz tells her about nearly drowning in the ocean and about Jasper’s help. Feeling close to her, Biz then goes on to tell Sylvia about her father’s death. Sylvia understands the depth of Biz’s grief: “I’m sure your father will come back…it’s a beautiful thing to love this much” (140).

Left alone one night, Biz relishes going through the photos she has taken for class. She is stunned that the photos speak to her, and she listens to the stories they tell. When she pages through her family photo albums, however, the photos are silent. Again, she feels abandoned.

The last night of the class, Biz looks at a photo of her mother and their dog and remembers when her father brought the dog home as a rescue puppy. Trying to carry the twisting puppy, her father dropped it and fractured its leg. He then disappeared for three days. When he finally returned, he was distant, certain that everything breaks, and that happiness was not possible.