How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

Carnegie argues that harboring anger toward others and trying to get revenge is harmful to the self. These negative emotions cause health problems such as insomnia, high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, and heart disorders. The author offers the example of restaurant owner William Falkaber. Furious when he observed his cook drinking from a saucer, Falkaber chased him with a gun and died from a heart attack. The coroner cited anger as the cause of death.

When Jesus preached, “Love your enemies” (143), he gave good advice. However, if we are unable to attain this goal, we should at least refuse to be angry. George Rona, an American attorney who fled to Sweden during the World War II, tried to get work as a correspondent. One business owner replied rudely to Rona’s inquiry letter, criticizing his grasp of Swedish. Rona began to write a furious response, but then considered the man could be right. He wrote back, thanking the business owner for alerting him to his mistakes and vowing to improve his Swedish. Rona received another reply offering him a job.

Many great men and women made a point of rejecting anger and resentment. British nurse Edith Cavell was executed by a German firing squad for helping injured French and English soldiers. However, before she was killed, she refused to express “hatred or bitterness” toward her executioners (147). In 1918, Black preacher and teacher Laurence Jones took a similarly forgiving stance. Jones was seized by a white lynch mob that misinterpreted his preaching and believed he was trying to incite a rebellion. Intending to simultaneously hang and burn Jones, the mob invited him to make a speech before he died. Jones spoke so passionately about his mission to educate the poorest members of the Black community that a member of the murderous mob convinced the others they had made a mistake. The mob organized an impromptu collection for Jones’s cause and released him. Afterward, Jones stated that he never hated anyone, as his cause was all that mattered. His story demonstrates how commitment to a larger goal prevents others from disturbing our equilibrium. Carnegie suggests that by refusing to dwell on resentments and enmities, readers will achieve inner peace.

Exploring the topic of ingratitude, Carnegie asserts that feeling unappreciated is a source of worry and resentment for many people. For example, he describes meeting a businessman who was furious about the ingratitude of his employees, who did not thank him for a Christmas bonus. Carnegie points out that the man wasted almost a year of his life on resentment.

Expecting gratitude is thus a mistake that inevitably leads to disappointment. Many prominent people never received thanks for their good deeds. Criminal lawyer Samuel Leibowitz saved 78 men from execution, but none of them sent him a Christmas card. Charles Schwab covered for an employee who had misused the bank’s funds by replacing the money himself. Despite Schwab saving him from prison, the employee later betrayed his employer. Finally, the author notes that Jesus Christ healed 10 men with leprosy and only received thanks from one of them.

The author emphasizes the importance of finding fulfillment in our own actions rather than seeking external validation. He claims that happiness lies in unconditional giving without expecting anything in return. For example, Carnegie’s parents were poor, but took pleasure in helping others. They regularly donated to the local orphanage without expecting gratitude. By offering our help and kindness without attaching expectations, we can eliminate worries about ingratitude and find joy in the act of giving.

The author explores the concept of appreciating what we have and finding contentment in our present circumstances. Carnegie highlights the tendency of many individuals to focus on what they lack rather than appreciating their blessings. He suggests that constantly yearning for more leads to a perpetual state of dissatisfaction and worry.

To illustrate the benefits of gratitude, Carnegie reveals why his friend, Harold Abbott, rarely worried. Years earlier, Abbott was anxious after losing his savings and accumulating debts. However, on the way to the bank, he saw a man without legs wheeling himself along the sidewalk on a wooden platform. When the man greeted him with cheerful enthusiasm, the encounter gave Abbott a new sense of gratitude, and he soon conquered his financial problems.

Borghild Dahl’s book, I Wanted to See (1944), recounts her experience of being almost blind for 50 years. As a child, she was determined not to feel self-pity and learned to play hopscotch by crawling along the ground, memorizing the markings. She read by holding books so close to her face they touched her eyelashes. Dahl earned two college degrees, becoming a teacher and then a professor of journalism. At age 52, she underwent surgery that extensively improved her sight. Experiencing the world like new, the author described how she enjoyed washing dishes, examining the different colors in the soap bubbles. She thanked God for her joyful experience of life.

Carnegie suggests that readers should take inspiration from Abbott and Dahl and count their blessings. He estimates that, for most people, 90% of their life is how they would like it to be. The author encourages readers to cultivate gratitude and celebrate the abundance in their lives. He speculates that most people would not trade assets such as their hearing, sight, and family for $1 billion.

Carnegie suggests that failing to express our true selves causes anxiety. He emphasizes that embracing one’s individuality is key to happiness. In a letter, Edith Allred explained how she grew up feeling different and unattractive. When forced to mix with others, she tried to be like everyone else, but felt like a failure. A turning point came when Allred’s mother-in-law declared that she had raised all her children to be themselves. Allred took this advice and, by being her authentic self, made friends and gained confidence.

Carnegie argues that being inauthentic causes angst. It can harm career prospects. Paul Boynton, an expert on job seeking, stated that many job applicants made the mistake of trying to be someone else. Meanwhile, Hollywood director Sam Wood complained that most aspiring actors tried to imitate existing stars. Carnegie admits that he too made this mistake when he first arrived in New York and wanted to be an actor. He spent several years imitating the characteristics of famous movie stars before realizing he needed to be himself. The author made the same mistake when he set out to write his first book, trying to copy the style and ideas of other writers. The result was dry and not engaging. He only became successful once he expressed his own thoughts in his own way. Singer and actor Gene Autry had a similar experience when he unsuccessfully tried to hide his Texan accent. Only when he began singing cowboy songs in his authentic voice did he become a star. Carnegie urges readers to take inspiration from these famous examples. He points out that we are all unique and should celebrate our individuality.

Carnegie once asked university chancellor Robert Maynard Hutchins how he dealt with worry. Maynard replied, “When you have a lemon, make a lemonade” (177). The author invites readers to adopt this strategy. Instead of worrying about our misfortunes, we should think about how to turn them to our advantage.

Thelma Thompson is an example of an individual who made “lemonade” from “lemon.” During World War II, her husband was stationed near the Mojave Desert in California. Thompson was lonely and struggled to adjust to the hot, arid surroundings. Overwhelmed by self-pity, she wrote to her parents announcing she was returning home. In response, her father suggested that her unhappiness was due to her negative perspective. Thompson became determined to see the positive aspects of her surroundings. She grew friendly with the local people, took an interest in their crafts and culture, and studied the unique wildlife of the area. Thompson went on to write a book about the Mohave Desert.

Carnegie recalls visiting a Florida farmer whose land was so barren he could grow nothing on it. Consequently, the farmer capitalized on the only species that thrived there: the rattlesnake. Establishing a rattlesnake farm, he farmer sold canned rattlesnake meat, rattlesnake skin, and venom to laboratories. Thousands of tourists visited the farm each year. Carnegie also recounts meeting Ben Fortson, who lost both legs in an accident when he was 24. Although he was initially angry and bitter about this disability, the accident prompted Fortson to study and reassess his life goals. Consequently, he developed an interest in politics and became secretary of state for Georgia.

The author claims that adversity is often a spur to success. For example, Milton’s blindness made him a better poet, while being deaf prompted Beethoven to become an outstanding composer (Note: these are not factually accurate examples, and rely on harmful stereotypes about people with disabilities). Carnegie suggests that, even when we fail to turn lemons into lemonade, the attempt encourages positivity and creative energy.

Carnegie argues that worries can be solved by concentrating on helping others. By turning our attention to other people, we forget about our own preoccupations. This view was shared by psychiatrist Alfred Adler, who prescribed focusing on others as a 14-day cure for melancholy. Many great philosophers, including Jesus, Buddha, and Aristotle, also recommended service as a path to happiness.

Carnegie once offered a prize for the best true story titled “How I Conquered Worry.” One of the winning stories illustrated the positive effects of altruism. C. R. Burton described the challenges he faced as a child after his mother left and his father died in a car accident. Burton’s aunts took in three of his siblings, but he and his little brother were unwanted. When Burton was bullied by other children for being an orphan, his foster parent suggested helping them as a way of winning them over. Following this advice, Burton helped his classmates with their work. He also assisted widowed women on nearby farms. Soon, everyone liked him, and he never had time to worry. Years later, when Burton returned from the navy, over 200 people traveled to welcome him home.

Mrs. William T. Moon cured her depression in one day. Feeling lonely after the death of her husband, she encountered two young orphans on Christmas Eve. Realizing her own life had been blessed compared to the parentless children, she bought them candy and gifts. Making the children happy gave her joy, and her self-pity permanently disappeared. Margaret Tayler Yates had a similarly transformative experience during World War II. Confined to bed with heart trouble, Yates did not expect to recover. However, after Japanese forces attacked Pearl Harbor, the Red Cross asked her to keep records of those displaced. Yates became a central point of contact for servicemen and their families. Invigorated by helping others, she got out of bed and forgot her worries.

Carnegie suggests that the simple act of showing interest in other people creates reciprocal happiness. The author offers the example of William Lyon Phelps, a professor at Yale, who made a point of saying something pleasant to everyone he met. He also shares the story of a young woman who worried that her clothes were cheap and unfashionable. At dinner parties, she took an interest in whoever was seated next to her to distract from what she was wearing. Consequently, she was extremely popular and received three marriage proposals.