I Must Betray You

“Philips were listening devices and rumored to be everywhere: hidden in walls, telephones, ashtrays. So all families followed the same mantra: At home we speak in whispers.”

The constant threat of surveillance is an important source of tension throughout the novel. Families have no way of knowing whether they are being surveilled, and therefore the wisest course of action is to assume that they are. As a result, the home is not a private place, not a source of escape or comfort. Instead, citizens tread carefully, circumventing the potential listening devices by speaking softly, causing noise interference by increasing the volume of the radio or running water, and communicating through writing instead of speaking.

“I was smart. A great pretender. What if I turned the tables? What if I secretly spied on the agent, somehow gathered information that put me a step ahead? I’d know the game and outplay him. That’s right, I thought I could outwit Paddle Hands.”

Thinking he may be able to outwit the Securitate is one way Cristian attempts to assuage his guilt over spying. If he can thwart them, then he can maintain his loyalty to his friends and family. Here Cristian appears eager and quick-thinking, but his naivete shines through. He is unaware of the ways the Securitate has already surveilled him. Cristian learns that defying the Securitate is no easy task.

“If Cici knew that I had become an informer? She’d hate me. She’d never speak to me again. But what choice did I have? I swallowed. I think I managed a small smile. ‘Of course,’ I whispered. ‘I promise.’ Deceit, Treachery, Hypocrisy. I lied to my sister. The person I loved most.”

The guilt Cristian feels at becoming an informer is overwhelming. Importantly, he is not motivated by a desire to harm his family but to help them. His love for his sister is clear, and he is tormented by guilt and shame. This passage is especially significant once the reader learns (as Cristian does years later) that Cici is working against the family as an informer. At this time, however, Cristian is unaware that Cici is being deceitful and treacherous. When he discovers this, he will be unable to forgive her, despite evidence that she too acts in the family’s best interests.

“In Romania, jobs were assigned. Apartments were assigned. We had no choice. But the characters in movies, they made their own decisions—what to eat, where to live, what kind of car to drive, what type of work to pursue, and who to speak to. They didn’t have to stand in line for food. If they turned on the faucet, hot water rolled out. If they didn’t like something, they complained out loud. It was crazy.”

One of the ways Cristian learns about American culture is through the illegal films smuggled into the country. The contrast between the freedoms enjoyed by Americans and the restrictive lives lived in Romania is so stark that Cristian does not believe the portrayals in the films are accurate. Later, the home videos shot by Dan’s friends prove that they are. That the everyday “luxuries” that Americans may give little thought to—like running water and abundant food—amaze Cristian and convey to the reader just how dire and oppressive the Romanian regime is.

“‘You do realize what they’re doing, don’t you Gabriel?’ Bunu asked. ‘Mistrust is a form of terror. The regime pits us against one another. We can’t join together in solidarity because we never know whom we can trust or who might be an informer.’”

Bunu is aware of how the government manipulates and controls its citizens. Because any friend or family member can secretly be informing, it is impossible to trust anyone and thus impossible for citizens to work together. Cristian will eventually learn that Ceauşescu can be opposed only through solidarity—a united front against the oppressive regime.

“‘You know what I’m expressing, Cristi? Exhaustion. Your father and I, we’re so tired. We work constantly and when we’re not working, we’re standing in lines. We’re never home. We’re never together. And there’s nothing we can do about it.’

‘You’re wrong. They steal our power by making us believe we don’t have any. They’re controlling us through our own fear.’

Her palm cracked against my cheek. Hard.”

Cristian is repeatedly frustrated by what he regards as his mother’s apathy toward the regime. Though Bunu insists she is afraid of it, this thought frustrates Cristian further. He feels it is better to resist the regime than to accept it and comply with its harsh way of life. This quote serves as one of the rare occasions in which his mother expresses strong opinions. The slap that ends the debate expresses her anger, which will be further understood in retrospect when readers learn of her position of loyalty to the regime.

“That’s because we’ve been ruled by decades with such totality that it’s impossible for most to imagine anything different. But I’m older. I’ve been exposed to more. I’ve traveled. I know what’s out there. But you, my dear boy—you’re young. This cult of communism, what is this life doing to you and people your age?”

Bunu points out that one of the dangers of communism is not only that it limits the rights of its citizens but it also normalizes such oppression. Bunu’s exposure to life before Ceauşescu’s regime provides him with a perspective that many Romanians do not have. Bunu knows that a better life is possible because he has experienced it. He is fearful that the normalization of communism’s restrictive way of life will keep Romanian citizens complacent.

“Chills formed at the back of my neck. It was a netless leap. Suicide some might say. But I had to try. As the saying goes, better to die standing than live kneeling.”

Cristian decides to leave his notebook for Mr. Van Dorn to find. He is keenly aware of how risky this is—if he is identified as its author, he will certainly be imprisoned, tortured, or killed. Yet, Cristian is unwilling to sit by and take no action. The saying he quotes asserts that the loss of his life will be justified and worth the sacrifice since it is done to make a better life for himself and others.

“My mother kneeled down. She laid her hand upon my shoulder. ‘This,’ she whispered, ‘is what happens to philosophers.’”

Cristian’s mother’s response to the death of Bunu appears callous. Throughout the novel, she cautioned Cristian against the free-thinking that Bunu urged him toward. She has been critical of Bunu, though Cristian has never been entirely sure of why. With his death, it becomes clear that Bunu’s dissidence was known to the regime. He embodied the freedom of thought and expression detested by the government. It seems Cristian’s mother feels Bunu’s dissent made him deserve murder. Her disdain is understood in retrospect when readers learn of her loyalty to the regime.

“While the regime wedged and pushed us apart, death brought Romanians together. Neighbors set up chairs that lined the hallway of our block’s fourth floor. They cobbled together what food and drink they could spare to share.”

Bunu’s death is a sad event for Cristian and his family. Yet, this quote demonstrates the value Romanians place on community and loyalty. Though all families face their own hardships, they selflessly offer help to others where they can. This sense of camaraderie and dedication will be echoed later in the novel when the revolution takes place.

“Libertate. Liberty. It was happening. It was really happening! Romanians were joining in hand and heart. And together they were finally call—for freedom.”

The joy Cristian feels as the protests in Timişoara unfolds is unmistakable. He has been eager for this moment and frustrated that it did not come sooner. As he witnesses it happening, he is struck with momentary disbelief. Cristian recognizes that this marks a turning point in the fight against Communism in Romania.

“‘You’re right,’ repeated my father. ‘They’ve blocked the borders. They’re trapping us.’ He quickly began gathering things in the kitchen. Knives, broom and mop handles.

‘Gabriel, what on earth are you doing?’ asked Mama.

‘Preparing,’ said my father. ‘When it’s time, we have to be ready.’”

Cristian’s father has been silent throughout much of the novel. Cristian interprets his silence as apathy and is surprised—and ultimately happy—to witness his father emboldened against the regime as the Timişoara protest unfolds. Here the contrast between him and Cristian’s mother is evident: she is unwilling to speak out against the regime (let alone act against it). Later Cristian will discover the reason for his father’s silence and his mother’s criticism of the protesters.

“I thought of my conversation with Bunu on the balcony. Agents. Informers. Rats. This country is full of them. We’re infested. And they keep multiplying. They’re in our streets, in our schools, crawling in the workplace, and now they’ve chewed through the walls…into our apartment. I had thought Bunu was referring to me. Was he actually talking about Cici?”

Bunu’s disdain for the regime has always been clear to Cristian. Unlike other family members, he refuses to speak in whispers and is unafraid to speak ill of the regime and those who support it. Cristian feels intense guilt over betraying Bunu by informing. But, as the novel unfolds, he begins to become suspicious of Cici’s loyalties. This realization unfolds slowly, and once it is confirmed, Cristian is reassured that Bunu was aware of his dedication to the overthrow of the regime.

“I was going to confront Cici. At the time it seemed straightforward. She was either working with Paddle Hands or she wasn’t. I hadn’t yet absorbed one of life’s universal truths:

Things that seem straightforward?

Often aren’t.”

Cristian’s reaction upon learning that Cici appears to be an informer is anger. He is disgusted and believes that the signs of love she showed for him in the past were lies. Yet, he is not able to recognize that she possibly faces a similar dilemma to Cristian’s. Indeed, the decision to inform—like other daily choices—is a complex one in which one cannot escape harming someone.

“Betrayal. It’s undigestible. It instantly changes the frequency of things. Every Romanian carried a world inside them, and mine had quickly gone from dark to black.”

Cristian’s outrage upon learning that Cici is working with the Securitate endures throughout much of the remainder of the novel. His friendship with his sister was of great importance to Cristian, and the notion that it was false brings about a great sense of hopelessness. It is not until many years later that Cristian learns that Cici’s actions were done in the hope of receiving passports for both of them.

“TIMIŞOARA! Chills erupted over my entire body. The volume grew, a freight train of sound. A feeling of solidarity rose, growing within the crowd. Romania had found its voice. And we were using it, together. And our despicable leader was rattled, shaken, trying to calm the people, trying to remain in command. In a quarter of a century, this had never happened in Bucharest. The feeling was palpable, a breaking and cracking, the dam of oppression bursting.”

This passage expresses the joy Cristian experiences as the protest begins in Bucharest. He eagerly waited for this moment, often doubtful that it would ever arrive. This is a moment of elation and the energy and camaraderie surrounding Cristian and Luca inspire them. It will come at a price, however: violence and imprisonment.

“As people left work for the day, I encouraged them to join the swell of protestors. Our column expanded and became one massive surge of thousands of people. Demonstrators brought flags with holes, they carried signs. Our voices were ragged from shouting and singing, hoarse with happiness. My body had felt uninhabitable for so long. But now the emptiness was replaced by closeness. A true camaraderie. We all felt it. We saw it in one another’s eyes. It was freedom—and it was glorious.”

The protest gains momentum as more and more citizens join. Cristian is now committed to resistance and actively speaking out against the regime’s oppression. The plot has been building to this joyous atmosphere surrounding Cristian. Cristian notes that his feelings are so strong that they impact him in a physical way—a testament to how important freedom has become.

“Facing me, next to the door, were two framed portraits. One featured Mother Elena and the other, a one-eared Ceauşescu. I stared at their faces. We had no food or freedom. Because of them. We were surrounded by spies and torturers. Because of them. We had no trust. Because of them. I couldn’t look at the portraits. I grabbed them from the wall and tossed them in a corner.”

The ubiquity of the Ceauşescu portraits is too much for Cristian to bear upon his imprisonment. He has become emboldened by the protest and likely feels he no longer has anything to lose. The Ceauşescus do not care about the well-being of their citizens and will go to great lengths to ensure their authority. The tearing down of their portraits symbolizes the crumbing of their rule.

“I hovered over the portrait of Ceauşescu. I wanted to chew it up, swallow, then vomit it on Mother Elena. But the quiet in the room, the kids, Liliana, they were scared. I couldn’t do that. I quickly touched the side of my mouth to Ceauşescu then to Elena. The dust on the pictures coated my lips.”

Cristian’s intense anger and hatred toward the Ceauşescus due to the suffering they have brought to Romanian citizens persists. He is eager to act on this hatred but keeps his emotions in check. Despite his overwhelming feelings, he thinks carefully and acts logically. He recognizes that it is wise to avoid further angering the agents, as Liliana and other prisoners may pay for Cristian’s outburst. He complies and kisses the portrait.

“I suddenly felt so small, so tired. So frightened. They said fighting continued, but what if the revolution failed. How much worse would things get? Where were we going? Were our families looking for us? Was the Securitate looking for me? Was Cici telling the truth about the message from Van Dorn? What would they do to the prisoners who helped get us out of the cell?”

Unanswerable questions consume Cristian during his imprisonment. He is panicked and frantic, desperate to know how to proceed. The questions he poses show that he is working to take steps to protect himself and others. But his situation is dire, and he is both physically and emotionally weakened.

“Empty static buzzed from the radio. I sat, unable to move or breathe. A warming presence suddenly pressed in close, surrounding me. Enveloping me. I closed my eyes. The announcer’s voice returned.

<<In this notebook, the young author also asks: If communism is Paradise, why do we need barriers, walls, and laws to keep people from escaping? A great question indeed. In the days ahead, let us not forget these sentiments as we reflect upon communism’s aim to create a man without a memory.>>”

Cristian was desperate to know if Mr. Van Dorn found his notebook. The broadcasting of its contents on the radio provides him with proof that Mr. Van Dorn indeed found it. The risk Cristian took in leaving the notebook paid off, and its contents prove moving and motivational to all who listen. Even Cristian’s mother—a supporter of a regime—concedes to the truth of some of the sentiments Cristian expresses. The broadcast, too, suggests that Romanians will now be able to speak freely.

“I wondered what Cici would have said about my letter. I assumed she hadn’t been home since I saw her at the hospital. But that night, I found her locked box and key in my closet. Inside was a note. Take care of yourself. And please—be careful, Cristian. A revolution eats its heroes.”

Cristian’s relationship with Cici remains problematic. Since learning of her informing, he has been unwilling to consider that her actions were carried out in love for him. Certainly, though, some love for her remains, and the strong bond they once shared is likely not to be severed entirely. With the note she leaves him, Cici seems to continue to help and protect Cristian. She urges him to consider that freedom may come at a cost.

“I thought I knew my family. It turns out, I didn’t. Mama was an informer. She very willingly informed on Bunu and she informed on her own husband. And my father knew. That’s why he retreated into silence. Did Bunu know? Was Mama the rat in our apartment that he referred to? Her reports contained many statements that informing about dissent was not only her patriotic duty, but her maternal duty.”

Cristian is shocked to learn of his mother’s loyalty to the regime. This information explains many of her words and behaviors in retrospect but is still difficult for Cristian to process. Her loyalty and sense of duty to the regime speak of how powerful Ceauşescu was in convincing citizens that their oppression was in their interest. Cristian’s mother was both a traitor to her family and a victim of the regime’s propaganda.