In a Holidaze

After leaving Benny, Mae resolves to find Theo as soon as she can in order to avoid any potential drama. She declares to herself, “Let me not be the proverbial stick of dynamite in this comfortable chosen-family dynamic” (11). She heads for the kitchen, anticipating her usual comfortable morning ritual with Ricky (Andrew and Theo’s father). Instead, she finds Theo morosely eating cereal and takes in his newly short haircut. Theo speaks only in monosyllables, and Mae begins to realize that this may be how he treats all the women with whom he becomes romantically involved. She recalls that Theo tends to pursue many casual relationships rather than dating seriously. When she brings up the previous evening, Theo says, “Last night was nothing, Mae, I should have known you’d make a big deal out of it” (13). 

Mae is hurt and angered, but before she can say more, Ricky enters, clearly surprised to see his son. Mae feels her anger at Theo’s immaturity intensify and leaves the kitchen for the porch, despite the cold Utah weather. Alone, Mae reflects on the power of the chosen family’s tradition of gathering at the Hollis cabin, which began when Aaron lost his parents in college and has continued even now that he lives in New York with his husband and Mae’s parents have moved to California. Mae’s parents are now divorced, and her mother is remarried. Maelyn treasures the annual trip to “the perfect winter cabin, the perfect amount of snow, the perfect people, and the perfect amount of comfort. The perfect Christmas” (18).

Andrew comes out and finds her just as she outwardly confesses frustration with herself, and Mae finds herself overwhelmed and flustered in his presence, as always. Andrew asks what is bothering her, adopting the tremulous voice of an older man, or “Mandrew,” and addressing her as his counterpart, “Maisie,” as they did in childhood (18). Mae is too tired to play along and stunned when Andrew explains that he saw her with Theo and is not surprised, as both families expected that it might happen eventually. Andrew teases her, suggests that she worry less about it, and then tells her that breakfast is ready.

Over the meal, Mae reflects that her family will separate once again after the holiday, as her parents only see each other at the cabin since their divorce. She will also have to face the job that she dislikes. Her dour mood deepens as she realizes that Theo is studiously ignoring her. Kyle, Aaron’s husband, notes the strained atmosphere. Then, Ricky and Lisa confess that they can no longer afford the cabin’s upkeep, so this will be the group’s last gathering there before its sale.

Mae, now in the car with her parents on the way to the airport, listens to her mother weep openly about the loss of the cabin. Mae privately worries that this will end the fragile peace in her family of origin, as this tradition is the only reason that her parents still see one another. Mae struggles to conceive what the future will look like. 

To Mae’s horror, her father suggests that change can be good, and Mae reflects on her past mistakes, thinking, “Change is relocating to LA, realizing I couldn’t afford it, and having to move back home. Change is kissing one of my oldest friends when I was drunk” (29). Mae feels that the upheaval in her life is emblematic of her broader lack of purpose. She silently entreats a cosmic presence, “Can you show me what will make me happy?” (29). Her thoughts are interrupted when a truck collides with her family’s car, causing her to lose consciousness.

Mae awakens and gradually realizes that she is sitting next to her brother on an airplane. Mae asks if she has recently been hospitalized, confusing Miles and the other passengers with her loud questions about her whereabouts. Her father surprises her by asking, “What car accident, Noodle?” (32). Miles, to her shock, tells her that their flight is now taking them to Utah to begin their Christmas vacation.

Maelyn decides to accept her family’s insistence that she was merely dreaming about a car accident, but she is still stunned when her phone confirms the date as December 20, even though her last memory is of events that happen six days later. She begins mentally searching for explanations for her predicament, and on the bright side, she is relieved to realize that she can avoid her mishap with Theo entirely, and she hopes that the plan to sell the cabin may also fail to materialize. However, Mae remains convinced that what she remembers did happen, even if she cannot explain why or how.

Walking through the airport with her family, Mae experiences extreme disorientation. Many of the strangers around her seem familiar, and she also anticipates some minor events before they happen.

They arrive at the cabin and are warmly greeted by the others. Mae anxiously wonders if this is some sort of afterlife. She struggles to greet Theo with her usual enthusiasm or share the group’s shock at his new haircut. She clings to Andrew when he offers her a hug, feeling her tension dissipate in his presence. He blushes, which Mae notices but does not take as a sign of mutual attraction. Mae finds Benny and tells him that they must talk privately soon. She becomes briefly dizzy, and this alarms her mother and Lisa. Mae notices that Andrew also seems concerned.

Mae tries to prevent Kennedy and Aaron’s daughter from colliding with the Hollis family dog but is unsuccessful. She then surprises Kyle by telling him the extent of the injury, using her memories. Andrew brings her a glass of water containing her preferred amount of ice. Mae’s disorientation deepens when her father cracks his tooth on one of Lisa’s hard cookies, as this incident confirms that she is reliving the same events.

Mae goes outside for air, grappling with the realization that she is in a time loop that resembles the ones she has seen in novels or films. She takes in the landscape, lost in memories of playing with Andrew and Theo in the snow. Andrew arrives just as she declares, “What the actual fuck?” (46). He startles her, making her knock the mug he is holding into the snow. Mae remembers writing their initials on the bottom of the mug as a teenager and then concealing it with paint. Andrew says that he has come to check on her and jokes that her mishap with the mug confirms that he was right to do so. He then charms Mae by recapping his biography and their family’s history together as a series of humorous anecdotes.

Benny arrives, inviting Mae to talk. She fights her desire to stay with Andrew and goes with Benny to the attic, where she tells him that something unprecedented is happening to her. Benny assumes that she means her banter with Andrew, but Mae denies this and asks if she has ever been someone who cannot process the world around her accurately. When Benny has no doubts about her cognition, Mae tells him that she seems to be repeating the holiday for a second time after a car accident ended the first vacation.

To Benny’s shock, Mae explains that her first vacation ended in an ill-advised kiss with Theo, as well as Ricky and Lisa announcing plans to sell the cabin. Mae reminds Benny that she knew her father would break his tooth and that Kennedy would skin her knee. Mae becomes frustrated when Benny asks if she has taken any of his hallucinogenic mushrooms. To prove her point, Mae recaps what is happening downstairs, explaining that Kyle has a new tattoo. Benny ruminates on the nature of time travel and the likelihood of preventing possible futures. Finally, he tells Mae to talk to her father, who is a doctor, since he “can tell [her] if everything seems to be working the way it should” (56). However, before she can do this, Mae falls down the attic stairs and loses consciousness.

Mae screams as she finds herself once again on the plane again. The time loop has reset itself.

The narrative resumes with Benny and Mae back in the attic as she explains the time loop once more. Benny asks some of the same questions, and Mae tells him that this is her third “trip” to December 20 and the second time that she has explained her predicament. She begins to describe it as a “time loop” (61). Mae feels her panic and dread increasing, except for when she spends time with Andrew. Mae takes Benny downstairs so that they can eavesdrop on the living room conversations, and she tells him what will happen in advance.

The narrative resumes somewhat later, when Mae has proven her foreknowledge. Benny moves around the room agitatedly, now as disoriented and anxious as Mae is. Mae privately wonders whether she will never return to reality. She tells herself, “Worst case scenario, I […] relive this day over and over and keep flirting with Andrew on the porch” (64). When Benny suggests that she consult her father, Mae tells him that her last attempt to take this advice only restarted the timeline. Benny apologizes and reflects that maybe more time in the past will show Mae what her purpose is. Benny asks Mae for an update on the rest of her life, and she admits that living at home is comparatively quiet and that her recent dating efforts have gone poorly. Mae and Benny go downstairs together. She is relieved that there is no mishap this time and tells herself, “We are now celebrating the small victories” (66).

Mae wakes, relieved to have arrived safely on December 21. She realizes that during her last experience of normal time, she asked for proof of what would fulfill her. She thinks of her family, her love of art, and her many memories at the cabin, realizing that the fact that she’s there again is likely significant. She remembers her first teenage infatuation with Andrew, which felt as though her “adolescence was split into two halves, before [she] fell for Andrew, and after” (69). In that past moment, she spent the entire holiday increasingly fascinated with him and was deeply aware of his kindness and handsome features. Mae realizes that her current predicament is proof of a supernatural force that is trying to act on her behalf.

Mae enters the kitchen and is relieved to see Ricky greet her with his traditional “Maelyn Jones, you and me are two peas in a pod” (71). Mae tells him that she dreads never hearing him say that again. When he is surprised, she considers that perhaps she and the others have not conveyed to Ricky the inestimable value of the cabin in their lives. She begins to entertain the idea that her holiday recurrences may mean that she is destined to preserve the cabin as her chosen family’s gathering place. Benny comes in and takes Mae aside, looking for signs of disorientation or confusion.

Mae tells Benny that she is fine and newly moving forward in time. Benny tries to assure her that his memory of their conversation is proof that she is not inventing the situation. Mae asks him to tell her something about his past that no one else knows just in case she repeats the time loop again and needs to convince him quickly that her experience is real. Benny confesses to a brief career as a waiter in a nude-only restaurant. Mae tells Benny her theory that they should celebrate the family’s usual traditions in order to help stop the cabin sale. Today is the family snow sculpture contest: Mae’s first chance to improve the collective mood.

Mae enthusiastically greets Andrew when he enters the kitchen. Andrew insists that the uninsulated Boathouse is comfortable and refuses to let his father see his discomfort. Mae suggests using sleeping bags from the basement, drawing on her memories from her first version of the holiday, when Ricky found them on Christmas Day. Mae goes outside with Andrew to beat the dirt out of the sleeping bags. They banter about the sleeping bags, and Andrew evokes The Empire Strikes Back, saying, “‘Snug as a Luke in a tauntaun’ isn’t a saying yet, but we could make it happen” (77). Mae assures him that she is looking forward to the snow sculpture contest.