In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss

In 2007, Bloom and Brian were living on opposite sides of the country. Bloom was working on a television series in Los Angeles, California, and Brian was living in Hartford, Connecticut. In spite of the distance, Brian regularly flew out to see Bloom. These trips were calm and blissful. Bloom especially appreciated how invested Brian was in her work.

However, in recent years, Brian has stopped responding to Bloom’s work. He doesn’t read or even remember the last script Bloom gave him. In years past, Brian would have read whatever Bloom wrote and shared with him.

After leaving the airport restaurant, Bloom and Brian visit the lounge. Bloom handles the tickets and passports for Brian while they wait for their flight. Brian grabs some food for himself at the bar, which he doesn’t see as rude. Bloom realizes he’s always been this way.

Bloom reflects on each of their habits. She and Brian both do things “that the other person finds faintly shocking” (12). Their idiosyncrasies preceded Brian’s Alzheimer’s. When Brian begins reading the newspaper in the airport lounge, Bloom wonders what the pastime means to him now. He has always loved reading and even enjoys hearing Bloom read aloud to him. She silently remembers Brian’s other familiar habits and considers how they’ve changed lately.

Bloom tries not to think about her return trip as she and Brian drag their heavy suitcases to the gate. Brian will die in a few days, and Bloom will have to board a plane home with her friend. She thinks of the things she won’t have with her and those she won’t want to leave behind. Her daughters, Sarah and Caitlin, have helped her formulate these plans. They’ll meet her at the airport and ferry her home. Bloom guesses she will spend the subsequent weeks lying in bed doing nothing.

In 2014, Bloom and Brian move to a small Connecticut town. Shortly thereafter, Brian joins a nonfiction book club. Brian prefers fiction but joins the group anyway, as he enjoys chatting with the members. However, two years later, Brian grows annoyed with the club. Bloom discovers that the information Brian has been relaying to her about the club members is inaccurate. Brian has remained in the group, but he has hardly touched his latest read and keeps rereading the same pages.

After Bloom and Brian land in Zurich, their car takes them to their hotel in the city’s Old Town. While walking, Bloom worries that Brian will trip on the cobblestone. At the hotel, Bloom feels dislocated. She and Brian settle into their room, feeling exhausted. Bloom mentally compares their behaviors now to their behaviors on other trips. She starts to wonder if she’s doing the wrong thing: A different wife wouldn’t allow Brian to die voluntarily. Her mind keeps mulling over the same anxieties as she unpacks. She thinks of her tarot reader, Susie Chang, and their conversations. She thinks of her daughters and her own future.

Bloom didn’t pack nice clothing for the trip, doubting she would need to dress up. However, on their first night in the city, she and Brian visit a Michelin-starred restaurant. They’re both disappointed by the food.

On Thursday, Bloom and Brian will meet with their Dignitas doctor, Dr. G., just before Brian’s assisted suicide. Dr. G. will conduct two interviews with Brian in the meantime. Throughout the process of applying for accompanied suicide, Bloom and Brian have been communicating with their Dignitas representative, S. Until recently, they didn’t know her real name and referred to her as Heidi. S. has led them through the application, paperwork, and process of accompanied suicide. However, Brian must do well in his upcoming interviews before Dignitas can proceed.

Although communications with Dignitas have been difficult and lengthy, Bloom hasn’t backed out of the process: She knows this is what Brian wants. In one call with S., Brian tried to explain his reasons for wanting to die but forgot the word for Alzheimer’s. Brian eventually told S. that although he didn’t want to die, he’d rather die while he was still himself.

This particular phone call was pivotal for Brian and Bloom. Dignitas required Brian to lucidly tell them what he wanted and why. The call would have happened sooner if his American doctors hadn’t deemed Brian depressed in their reports. After S. gave Brian and Bloom the green light to pursue accompanied suicide, Bloom began to imagine a world without her husband. After hanging up with S., Brian and Bloom held each other and cried.

Bloom and Brian continue to wait on Dignitas. The organization’s offices are closed for the holidays, which delays the process. Brian doesn’t want to kill time with banal activities while waiting for Dignitas’s confirmation. However, when the couple gets to Zurich, they spend a few days sightseeing. The organized activities bore Bloom. She and Brian have more fun sharing spontaneous adventures together.

Bloom and Brian report to a neurologist appointment. Bloom contacted the neurologist hoping for a medical explanation for Brian’s strange behaviors. She had begun to worry about Brian’s recent frustration, disorganization, and disorientation.

A few years prior, Bloom and Brian began a notebook cataloging their communications. They left each other messages in the books to avoid arguments. Over time, the couple filled many such notebooks, all of which Bloom has saved.

Bloom has to calculate the way she communicates with Dignitas. She knows what she wants to convey but sometimes struggles to convey her desires and needs to the Dignitas representatives.

Bloom thinks about Dignitas and Brian’s decision to end his life while preparing for Dr. G.’s visit. He is coming to the hotel to conduct Brian’s first interview. If Brian does well, Dr. G. will grant official approval for his accompanied suicide at the end of the week.

Bloom and Brian are both middle-aged and involved in unhappy marriages when they meet. In spite of the odds, they’re drawn to one another. They start taking walks, attending local meetings, and spending time in private together. Then one night, Brian tells Bloom he knows how their relationship will end: They can either blow up their marriages to be together or say goodbye forever. He believes Bloom needs a strong man who knows how special she is. He isn’t sure he can be this man, but he wants to try. Shortly thereafter, they get married.

Bloom is nervous when Dr. G. knocks on the hotel door. Dr. G. is an advocate for assisted suicide but could also be a barrier to Brian’s wishes. Bloom calms down when Dr. G. tells her she should stay for the interview. She softens further when she learns that Dr. G. and her father share the same first name.

Dr. G. is kind and direct. He’s sensitive to Brian’s experience and wishes. However, he repeatedly asks Brian if he’s sure that he wants to die. Brian reiterates his wishes. Dr. G. reminds him that he can back out at any time and that he and the Dignitas associates will continue to check in with him throughout the process.

Bloom has three children, Sarah, Caitlin, and Alex. Ever since Bloom’s children started having children, Brian has been a doting grandfather. The children love his sense of humor and his games. Bloom feels sad imagining the children losing him.

Bloom and Brian walk around Zurich together. They explore the shops and visit the lake. They aren’t shopping the way they normally would, but they buy gifts for their grandchildren. When they left for Zurich, they told their grandchildren a cover story; they also have an explanation for Brian’s imminent death. Bloom discussed the matter with her therapist, Wayne, in advance. Wayne helped her devise a tactful, sensitive way of communicating the situation to her grandchildren. Although neither she nor Brian want to deceive their family, they want to protect the grandchildren. To help them understand, Brian has written them notes.

Bloom’s oldest friend flies into Zurich so she can fly home with Bloom after Brian’s death. The friends have dinner and discuss their plans.

Bloom and Brian now have one day until Brian’s death. They try to occupy their time, but Bloom feels restless and afraid. She and Brian struggle to play cards, read, or talk openly. Bloom hopes something will change between them before Thursday. She remembers what her father used to say about hope outweighing experience.