In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss

Brian develops a habit of picking up his grandchildren from school or summer camp. One day when Brian goes to collect them from camp, he can’t find the girls. Bloom and her daughter try calling Brian, but he doesn’t answer. Although Brian eventually locates the girls and returns home, Bloom worries that her granddaughters will remember and internalize the situation. The family is able to smooth over the matter, but at the Guilford Fair shortly thereafter, another similar situation occurs. Brian disappears without explanation. Bloom wants to stay calm for the family’s benefit but suffers a panic attack.

In November of 2019, Bloom starts to worry that Dignitas won’t accept Brian’s application. She can feel time passing. Overwhelmed and afraid, she calls Donna and Donna’s friend Dr. Bornstrom for support. She appreciates their advice but continues searching for “the person who will help” her and Brian “do whatever needs to be done” (144).

During one session with Donna, Donna suggests that Brian take psilocybin before his death. Brian assures Bloom later that although he’s sad and angry about his Alzheimer’s, he isn’t afraid of dying and doesn’t need the psychedelic treatment.

Bloom and Brian wait to hear from Dignitas after Brian sends them his biographical statement. In the bio, which Bloom presents directly, Brian details his childhood and upbringing in Kenosha, Wisconsin. He writes about his familial relationships, his educational experiences, and his vocational pursuits. He describes his first marriage, his divorce, and his unexpected romance with Bloom. Before submission, Bloom edits the bio with Brian’s permission. In the days following, Bloom feels anxious, so the fact that Brian seems peaceful makes her feel isolated.

Bloom tries to make a plan B in case Dignitas doesn’t approve Brian’s application. She continues performing research while imagining her life without Brian. One day, she contacts her friend and former student, Jack, for help. Jack and Brian are friends too. After Bloom explains their situation and rants about US healthcare, Jack considers how he might assist his friends.

Jack discovers that Bloom and Brian need pentobarbital for Brian to die voluntarily in the US. Bloom researches the substance at the public library. She pours over Exit International’s website and pentobarbital studies. Although she comes close to procuring the drug through the pharmacy, she soon discovers that this plan won’t work. The US has made pentobarbital almost impossible to find.

Bloom takes Brian to a casino to cheer him up. Brian normally loves playing cards but is disinterested and detached throughout the weekend. Even the luxury hotel room doesn’t change his mood. Bloom knows that Brian isn’t trying to hurt her, but she still feels guilty for failing him.

Bloom and Brian have happy days in spite of their struggles. They cuddle, eat, and watch television together. All Bloom wants are these moments.

Bloom and Brian celebrate the holidays with their family. In retrospect, Bloom can’t remember being present at these events, although her family has photographic evidence.

Construction starts on a memory-care unit near Bloom and Brian’s house. Brian doesn’t like to linger by the site when they drive past. Meanwhile, Bloom has stopped reading about Alzheimer’s. However, she continues watching videos and documentaries about patients and families affected by the disease. Brian watches Extreme Love: Dementia with Bloom one night and laughs at the resonant scenes.

Bloom visits her therapist, Wayne. She is anxious and upset, as she and Brian still haven’t heard from Dignitas. She tells Wayne about her struggles to support Brian and the roadblocks she has encountered throughout the process. In spite of her sorrow, she argues in defense of Brian’s decision to end his life. She also details her and Brian’s struggle to procure an accurate psychiatric assessment of Brian. Wayne offers to meet with Brian and write the letter himself. Ultimately, Wayne’s empathetic assessment, which Bloom partially excerpts, endears him to Bloom and Brian and grants the couple Dignitas’s approval.

Bloom and Brian have the call with S. that they have been waiting for. After hanging up, the couple embraces, happy that they have accomplished what they wanted together. However, Bloom feels sad too. S.’s call means that she will soon start her life without Brian.

Over the course of the following days and weeks, Bloom grows clumsy and confused. She is more tired and distracted than usual. She has trouble engaging with her family and friends.

In preparation for Brian’s Dignitas appointment, Bloom and Brian meet with Brian’s mother, Yvonne. Yvonne’s best friend had Alzheimer’s; in fact, the friend’s story inspired Brian to pursue accompanied suicide. During Yvonne’s visit, Bloom explains Brian’s desires and their plans with Dignitas. Yvonne supports the idea. Shortly thereafter, Bloom writes a letter to her family and friends explaining Brian’s diagnosis, wishes, and death.

Bloom and Brian communicate with their siblings and in-laws. They don’t want to alarm their family, but they want to keep them informed. After Brian’s death, Bloom will come to rely upon her mother-in-law in particular, and they’ll share their grief.

Before Brian’s death, Yvonne helps Bloom and Brian plan Brian’s service. Brian chooses the minister and readings. Meanwhile, Bloom and Brian try to decide what to do with Brian’s giant stuffed shark. Yvonne was housing the shark but no longer wants it, so the couple donates the fish to the Yale Fishing Club. This project keeps them busy but confuses Bloom emotionally.

While Bloom and Brian continue to communicate with Dignitas, Yvonne helps them communicate with the rest of the family. Brian’s siblings want to host a celebration of Brian’s life. Bloom and Brian aren’t interested. Instead, they meet with friends one-on-one or write them letters.

After Hanukkah and Christmas, Bloom informs her sister, Ellen, that she and Brian won’t be spending New Year’s with Ellen and her husband. Bloom can’t bear the inanity of the tradition given Brian’s impending death.

Bloom contacts her tarot reader, Susie Chang, who has been one of her biggest support systems of late. Susie’s card reading supports Bloom and Brian’s Zurich plans. When Bloom suggests delaying Brian’s appointment, Susie predicts that doing so will cause trouble. In retrospect, Bloom realizes that Susie was right: COVID-19 broke out shortly after Bloom returned from Zurich.

Bloom didn’t like Brian when she first met him. She normally wasn’t attracted to arrogant men like him. Over time, however, Brian endeared himself to her. She came to admire his boldness and self-assuredness. Reflecting on their history, Bloom recalls Brian’s relationship with alcohol. Although he got sober, he and Bloom sometimes joked that he could drink again when he was in his eighties.

Brian became the father figure Bloom never had. She married him in spite of the odds, and their relationship has been blissful.

On the day of Brian’s appointment, Bloom and Brian report to Dignitas. Two women lead them inside and review the process. They remind Brian that he can change his mind at any time, including after he has begun to drink the antiemetic.

Bloom and Brian settle into their room, and Brian drinks his first dose of the antiemetic. Bloom sits close to him while Brian talks about football. Bloom isn’t interested in these stories and is disappointed that Brian isn’t talking about their life together. After Brian takes more antiemetic and the sodium pentobarbital, he grows quiet. Bloom wishes he would return to the football stories. She hugs and kisses him while telling him she loves him. She watches him die over the next 20 minutes and clings to him like he is her child.

When the attendants reenter Brian’s room, Bloom feels disoriented and confused. She’s unsure what to do with Brian’s belongings. Finally, she hugs the attendants and takes a cab to the airport. While waiting for her flight in the airport lounge, she scowls at passersby. She finds herself hating men and couples in particular. To calm herself, she channels Wayne’s voice. Then she calls her loved ones to give them the news before boarding the flight.

Bloom’s children help her home. In the days following, Bloom’s electricity goes out. Then the appliances start to break down. Bloom thinks Brian’s spirit is toying with her. Bloom planned to grieve in bed after Brian’s death. Instead, she watches television and remembers her husband.

Brian’s memorial service is at the library across the street from Bloom’s house. Throughout the event, Bloom feels detached. She tries engaging with her family and friends but can’t interact as usual. During the service, she remembers her parents’ memorials. She realizes how much Brian would love his service while listening to the minister read the selected poem. She feels happy and sad when Brian’s friends remember his life.

Yvonne holds another memorial for Brian in Philadelphia. The friends and family in attendance only remember Brian in childhood and adolescence. Bloom realizes how little they knew him and how much of his life she didn’t know either. While with her children and friends afterwards, Bloom realizes the only person she misses is Brian.

When Bloom and Brian get married, Bloom wishes her mother could be there. She imagines how her mother would respond and the comments she would make. The event is simple and beautiful, and when the couple says their vows, Brian starts crying. All he can say is that he will love Bloom every day of his life. Bloom says her vows, realizing how true Brian’s words are for her too.