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59 pages 1 hour read

Chanel Miller

Know My Name: A Memoir

Nonfiction | Autobiography / Memoir | Adult | Published in 2019

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Symbols & Motifs

Jars

Miller chooses the symbol of a jar to represent the dissociation that she relies on to survive. Miller explains how she places traumatic memories in a metaphorical jar that she carries “down, down, down, flights and flights of stairs, placing it inside a cabinet, locking it away, and walking briskly back up the stairs to continue with the life [she] had built” (28). These jars serve as physical representations of the memories she struggles to navigate in the aftermath of her rape. The act of placing distressing thoughts in a jar comforts Miller and allows her to feel a sense of control over her heightened emotions. Eventually, Miller becomes overwhelmed by the number of jars that fill “every inch of [her] mind” and she soon has “nowhere to put them” (32). The physical nature of the jars and the space they take up force Miller to confront her reliance on dissociation and begin to seek out other ways to cope.

Names

Names serve as tools of empowerment. As her introduction to the world at large, Miller centers her memoir around her titular command for readers to “know her name.” Previously only known as Emily Doe, Miller steps away from her shield of anonymity to take ownership of her story and identity. She reclaims her humanity and delivers the message that she is more than just what she has survived. Her title demonstrates Miller’s bold nature, which compels her to step out of her comfort zone and tackle her fear head on. By contrast, much of Miller’s life as documented in her memoir centers around protecting her name and identity from the public. The few times she does use her name openly serve as important moments of empowerment. She states her name in court openly for the first time when she confronts her rapist. She also identifies herself as “Chanel” during her first comedy show. This moment is impactful for Miller as she notes how “they call[] [her] Chanel, not Brock Turner’s victim, not Lucas’s girlfriend. Just Chanel” (134). For Miller, her name serves as a source of her independence and allows her to rediscover her identity.

Oatmeal Sweater

The oatmeal sweater that Miller wears in court represents the standards she must adhere to as a woman and survivor; it also comes to symbolize the separation of her identity from her alter ego, Emily Doe. In preparation for testifying at her hearing, Miller ventures out with her sister to find an appropriate outfit. Pressured to appear innocent, Miller chooses this sweater: “I found the one, a sweater the color of old milk, soft and quiet. Emily’s new uniform. I looked like someone who would lend you a pencil” (108). The sweater marks Miller as a quiet and reserved woman “worthy” of protection under the law. Miller follows the guidelines Deputy District Attorney Alaleh lays out, which instruct her to play to gendered stereotypes to maximize her chances of success in court.

Miller initially limits the sweater’s appearance to each new court appearance to separate her bold and sociable real life from that of the emotional and traumatized Emily. However, Miller also chooses to wear the sweater during her first performance at the comedy club in Philadelphia. In doing so, she mingles the two worlds, characterized by crying and laughter, and accepts that “both existed in [her]” (135). This moment catapults Miller into deeper acceptance of herself and her trauma. She begins to see both sides of herself as equals worthy of display and inclusion. She takes this representation of gendered conditioning to represent her humanity and desire to heal.

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