41 pages • 1 hour read
Raven LeilaniLuster
Fiction | Novel | Adult | Published in 2020A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Chapter 1Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 1 Summary
Chapter 1 commences with the narrator Edie’s description of her first encounter with Eric, her older lover, over text message. She recounts how they met on a dating app. Eric is married and in an open relationship. Edie states that she has “not had much success with men” and that she has “trouble making friends” (4). The relationship with Eric is different as the two share intimate details. There is a 23-year age difference between them.
After talking for over a month, the narrator and Eric finally meet early on a Tuesday morning and go to Six Flags, an amusement park. The childish location of the date fosters an awkwardness between them. Throughout the date, Edie realizes Eric’s inexperience and discomfort in dating a Black woman as a White man. She notes “how cautiously he says African American. How he absolutely refuses to say the word black” (7). Edie reflects on the discrepancy between the virtual connection she and Eric formed versus the awkward reality of meeting in person. Without the filter of text, Edie feels overwhelmed as “there is no time to consider my words or to craft a clever response in iOS Notes” (8). She is also overwhelmed by “the inarticulable parts of being to a man, the sweet, feral thing underneath their cologne, the way it sometimes feels as if there are no whites to their eyes” (8). As Eric rubs sunblock on her back, she confesses she has not had sex in months excuses herself to the bathroom to collect herself.
As Edie nervously rides the rollercoasters with Eric, she begins to relax and enjoy herself. She observes and enjoys how Eric “really, truly screams” as they ride the same rollercoaster for the third time (10). She confesses that “his joy is raw in a way that makes me feel like I can unzip my skin suit and show him all the ooze inside” (10). Edie continues to fantasize about a relationship with Eric. She attempts to visualize Eric’s wife and contemplates what she might be like. As they get a drink at the park’s saloon, Eric comments on Edie’s aloof demeanor. Edie internally rejoices “that none of my need and loathing have come across” (12).
Eric drives Edie home. Edie leaves the date sexually frustrated. The two plan to meet again in two days. Back in her apartment alone, Edie feels embarrassed about the preparations she made in anticipation of Eric coming up to her place. She ends the chapter by looking for her old paints and reflecting on how she has not painted since two years ago, when “I had more serotonin and I was less afraid of men” (17). She mixes the old paint and works throughout the night to create “a passable replication of Eric’s face. The slope of his nose in the soft red light of the dash” (17). She imagines Eric in bed with his wife while she contemplates her own desperation.
Chapter 1 Analysis
From the onset of the novel, Edie as the narrator provides a candid look into her dysfunctional relationships with men and her unsatiated desire for connection. She is aware of her often-disastrous choices and their implications. After stating clearly that she has not had success with men, she declares, “This is not a statement of self-pity. This is just a statement of the facts” (4). Edie feels like her relationship with Eric is different as they have disclosed intimate details about their personal lives and histories over the month they spoke prior to meeting.
Despite this sense of intimacy, Edie and Eric’s relationship maneuvers awkwardly around the facts of their differences in age and race. The setting of their first date is an amusement park, and Edie notes that it is “hard not to be aware of the age discrepancy when you are surrounded by the most rococo trappings of childhood” (7). A White man, Eric refuses to use the term “Black” and cautiously uses the term “African American.” The tenuous connection they have forged in their digital communication is further strained by the ways they attempt to tiptoe around Eric’s discomfort with Edie’s age and race.
This lack of communication carries throughout their relationship as Edie struggles with her resistance to vulnerability. Eric and Edie share a joyous ride on a roller coaster, and she is both drawn to Eric and wary of his affection and what it may require of her. She notes, “Behind his eyes, I see myself fractured into pieces. Suddenly it feels painful to be this ordinary, to be this open to him, as he looks at me and pretends I am not just a cheaper version of a fast Italian car” (10). She further expresses her ambivalence as she proclaims, “All I want is for him to have what he wants. I want to be uncomplicated and undemanding. I want no friction between his fantasy and the person I actually am. I want all that and I want none of it” (10-11).
This ambivalence, paired with her frequent ruminations on what his wife is like, lead Edie to adopt an aloof demeanor that Eric notices. Afraid of unveiling the depth of her desire for connection, Edie chooses to hide her true feelings. For her, her aloof demeanor “is a casual lean, a choice. It is not a girl in Bushwick, licking clean a can of tuna” (12). Her past experiences with men shape her reservation to share her true feelings as she recalls how “I made mistakes with these men. I dove for their legs as they tried to leave my house. I chased them down the hall with a bottle of Listerine, saying, I can be a beach read, I can get rid of all these clauses, please. I’ll just revise” (12). A beach read here symbolizes ease and frivolity. Edie characterizes herself as a book filled with many clauses, more complicated and abstract. As the author of Edie’s story, Leilani mimics this complexity in her own writing style.
Edie’s date with Eric inspires her to paint again after a two-year hiatus. Upon returning from the date, she stays up through the night and paints Eric’s face. Although she previously avoided her art supplies, something about her date with Eric awakens within her a desire to confront what she is looking for. She confesses:
It’s not that I want exactly this, to have a husband or a home security system that, for the length of our marriage, never goes off. It’s that there are gray, anonymous hours like this. Hours when I am desperate, when I am ravenous, when I know how a star becomes a void (17).
She ends the chapter with a recognition that she is hungry for connection.
