Men Have Called Her Crazy

During their time living together, Sam asked Tendler why she cried each time they had sex. Tendler lied and said that it was the emotion of orgasm, though she never orgasmed with Sam. Sam bought her lie, but Tendler knew their relationship was souring. She was enjoying her time at cosmetology school, thriving and making friends, but Sam was becoming cruel toward Tendler, chiding her for any mistakes and calling her a child. For her birthday, he made her a card celebrating her 18th birthday, though she turned 19. She had no access to the Internet at home, so she had to go to an Internet cafe to check her email or AOL instant messenger messages. David checked in on her one day via instant message, but the Internet cut off before Tendler could tell him more about her struggles with Sam.

One day, Tendler tried to use Sam’s laptop to access the internet while Sam was away touring, and she found a photo of another naked young girl labeled “Anna.jpeg.” She called Sam to confront him, and he tried to tell her that he didn’t cheat and it was an image from porn, even though the photo was taken with a digital camera. Sam dismissed her concerns. Tendler did not want to tell her father about her issues because she didn’t think that he could afford to help her beyond the $200 he gave her a month.

Tendler failed her cosmetology board exams and returned to New York to enroll in school. She and Sam agreed to try long distance until she could move back to LA, but she met up with David, who encouraged her to end things with Sam. She called Sam and broke up with him, which angered Sam as he claimed to have “stopped looking” for other women and be only with her. She called him again a week later to arrange for her things to be mailed back to her, but Sam never called her back.

Tendler’s time at the hospital draws to a close. The next day, after an outtake meeting, Tendler has to return home. That night, though, Dr. Philips visits to give her the results of her at-home examinations, and he tells her that she has low levels of delusion and violence but high levels of anxiety and depression. He also shows Tendler how high her levels of suicidal ideation are, expressing concern given that he usually does not see levels that high in someone not in inpatient care. He asks Tendler what she feels she has to live for, and Tendler says Petunia. Dr. Philips asks if she has anything else to live for, and Tendler says no. Dr. Philips expresses concern that her will to live is tied to a relatively unhealthy dog, and Tendler agrees. He asks to think about the month-long DBT program, and Tendler agrees to consider it, though again, she knows she plans to leave.

Tendler attends a movement class before leaving for her outpatient meeting. At her outpatient meeting, a male doctor Tendler has never met runs the meeting. Beth, Dr. Samuels, Dr. Philips, and Dr. Karr also attend. Throughout the meeting, Tendler cries, feeling overwhelmed by the questions and the meeting’s content. She also worries Dr. Karr is mad at her, as she seems curt over Zoom. After the meeting, Tendler goes on a walk with some of the other women, and they talk about television and life. Tendler feels fully in community with them.

That night, Dr. Philips gives Tendler the last of her testing results, revealing that she has experienced trauma that has left her with attachment and trust issues. Dr. Philips has hope for her future, as she has close friends that she’s capable of trusting. She’s open enough to let people in, and she is conscientious and caring. With continued outpatient therapy, Dr. Philips believes Tendler can become more self-accepting, confident, and learn to trust others more. Tendler thanks Dr. Philips for all his help.

At her rock ceremony, Tendler picks a rock that says “freedom,” but she forgoes the full ceremony, too introverted and afraid that the others would feel pressured to say things they don’t mean, given they’ve only known her for a week.

Soon after breaking up with Sam, Tendler began dating David without taking the time to reflect on her past relationship and how it impacted her. While many of her romantic experiences with men have been profoundly negative, her relationship with David was characterized by kindness and respect. Even when they fought, she never thought David did not care for her. For instance, when she had a five-day bout of food poisoning, David gently took care of her the entire time. When she told David about her self-harm, he told her that she needed to stop or he would tell her parents and get her professional help. This was enough to make Tendler stop.

However, a year later, she and David broke up. She dropped out of Parsons as she was feeling empty in her attempts at photography. She then took a month-long makeup course and got a job as a shampoo girl at a salon, as that was a job she could do without board accreditation. She lived in a studio apartment with her college roommate to save money, and they used curtains to attempt to preserve each other’s privacy. Tendler then began dating a man who was in recovery from heroin addiction, a musician with no job. She did not want love; she wanted destruction.

One day, Tendler’s father called her to tell her that he set a date for his wedding. He never even told her that he was engaged, which hurt Tendler deeply. She agreed to go to the wedding, though she was shocked the proposal happened less than a year after the finalization of her parents’ divorce. She told her mother, who cried at the news. On the day of the wedding, Tendler left the musician in her bed to attend the wedding, which felt incredibly strange. She had met her stepmother’s children once, yet the photographer made them pose as if they were family. Various family members checked in on her, but Tendler still felt off. Though it was hot out, she wore a sweater because she had begun cutting again.

Tendler cannot wait to leave the hospital, but she also does not want to go. She yearns to return home to her own space and see Petunia, but she worries about the loneliness she will feel returning to an empty house. She has her final meeting with her care team via Zoom, and again, Dr. Karr’s behavior is cold and strange. During the meeting, Dr. Karr tells Tendler they need to reevaluate their relationship, making it seem like she wants Tendler to find a new therapist. This makes Tendler burst into tears, as it was unexpected. The rest of the care team seems uncertain about Dr. Karr’s behavior. Dr. Karr then tells Tendler she’s not saying they need to “divorce” and asks her to remember who “historically leaves more often” (147). The meeting ends, and Tendler feels off-kilter. The other women are in group therapy, so Tendler cannot say goodbye to them in person.

Tendler goes to her car but returns quickly to Dalby House to use the bathroom. Dr. Philips catches her before she leaves and checks in with her about the meeting. He encourages Tendler to listen to her intuition about her feelings about Dr. Karr. Tendler thanks him again and then drives away. On her drive, she takes a turn too quickly and panics as her purse flies off the seat and her car veers into the other lane. In her panic, she calls Dr. Philips and asks to return. He tells her that she can return. Tendler remembers another troubling moment with Dr. Karr; when she was in DC, Dr. Karr expressed anger at her for relapsing with self-harm and demanded that Tendler return to New York to see her to have a two-hour meeting. When Tendler arrived, Dr. Karr only gave her 50 minutes before demanding she leave, saying she forgot about the two hours she promised. Tendler finds this memory odd within the context of Dr. Karr’s continuing behavior.

When she returns to the treatment center, Beth is there to greet her and express her concern about Dr. Karr. She and Dr. Philips tell Tendler to stay at least through the weekend. Beth validates Tendler’s feelings before letting Tendler go call her mother to ask her to watch Petunia for longer. Her mother begrudgingly agrees. Tendler returns to Dalby and reunites with the other women, who are thrilled to see her, and they watch a Leonardo DiCaprio film.