Noises Off

Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of substance use.

Act II of Noises Off is set during a performance of Nothing On in another provincial location: the Theatre Royal, Ashton-under-Lyne, a month into the company’s touring run. The stage directions state that the set has been rotated by 180˚ to show both the onstage and offstage areas. The action of Act II shows events backstage while the performance of Act I of Nothing On runs in parallel on the fictional stage set at the Theatre Royal. Dialogue from Nothing On can be heard by the characters and the audience throughout; the actor-characters of Noises Off are required to be quiet while backstage in order not to disturb the performance.

The performance is about to start. When Poppy calls for the actors to take their places, Tim wonders if Dotty will take her place. Poppy is sure that Dotty will come out of her dressing room but only has a few minutes to change if she is going to perform as Dotty’s understudy. Lloyd peeks backstage, and Poppy goes off to talk to Dotty instead of dealing with Lloyd. Lloyd has been rehearsing Richard III with another acting group in another town but has come to visit Brooke. Lloyd gives Tim a bottle of whiskey and money to buy flowers for Brooke and warns Tim not to show the flowers to Poppy. Time tries to tell Lloyd about Dotty and Garry getting into a lovers’ quarrel, their second quarrel on the tour. 

Lloyd explains that the actor playing Richard III injured his back. While these rehearsals are on hold, Lloyd is visiting to keep Brooke in the show. Brooke is threatening to quit, and Lloyd doesn’t have time to train another actress to play Vicki. At Lloyd’s prompting, Tim does the front-of-house call that there are three minutes before curtain. After Lloyd goes out into the audience, Poppy sees Tim holding the whiskey and assumes that the bottle belongs to Selsdon. Belinda comes from trying to talk to Dotty, who is still locked in her dressing room. Frederick joins them, having also been unsuccessful in getting Dotty to emerge, and says that he is confused about why Garry is angry with him. Poppy and Tim can’t both go on for Dotty and Garry because someone needs to be looking at the script and doing other stage manager tasks.

After Tim leaves to buy the flowers, Frederick admits that he went out for drinks with Dotty the previous night, after which they went back to his room. The others realize that this is what has upset Garry. Poppy returns and asks where Selsdon is. Belinda looks for Selsdon while Poppy does the same three-minute front-of-house call that Tim previously did. Tim returns with the flowers, but Poppy sees them and immediately accepts them as a gift from Tim. Poppy goes to look for Selsdon, and Tim does the front-of-house call for one minute until curtain, thinking that Poppy did the call for two minutes. Frederick tells Tim that Poppy called for three minutes, so Tim does the call again but for two minutes. Belinda finds Lloyd’s bottle of whiskey and thinks that Selsdon is hiding more than one. Tim takes the bottle with him and then goes to change into the burglar costume, as Selsdon’s understudy. Poppy does the front-of-house call for two minutes. Frederick tells her that Tim did two minutes, so she does another call for one minute.

Lloyd comes backstage at this point, asking about the multiple confusing calls. The elderly matinée audience is moving back and forth from the bathroom, unsure when the curtain will rise. Poppy tells Lloyd that she needs to talk to him, but Brooke interrupts. Brooke found the bottle intended for her in her dressing room but thinks it’s Selsdon’s bottle. Lloyd promises to talk with Brooke and learns that Poppy thinks that Brooke’s flowers are for her, from Tim. Lloyd tells Frederick to strangle Tim and refuses to help with the quarrel between Dotty and Garry. Brooke and Poppy both try to talk to Lloyd before he goes back to the auditorium, and Frederick has to separate Brooke and Poppy.

When Brooke threatens to leave, Frederick says that Poppy can perform for her, which upsets Brooke further. Belinda tells Brooke to do her meditation and sends Poppy to look for Garry and Dotty. Selsdon appears, looking for Tim, and Frederick accidentally shows him the bottle of whiskey. When the cast and crew say that they are excited that Selsdon is here, he thinks they say “hear.” There are various jokes about his hearing and him listening to Frederick and Dotty’s drama through the dressing room wall. Poppy tells front-of-house that the performance is about to begin. Tim returns, in the extra burglar costume, and sees Selsdon. He does the same front-of-house call as Poppy. Selsdon realizes that Tim is in the same outfit as him.

Garry comes out of his dressing room and violently snatches the props that Frederick offers him. Dotty comes out of her dressing room. Neither of them is talking. Frederick and Belinda tell them that they must talk to perform. Dotty asks about the audience, and Tim says it’s decent for a matinée. Frederick tries to give an inspirational speech, but Selsdon interrupts and says “sardines.” Belinda realizes that Dotty needs her sardine prop and gives it to her. Lloyd comes backstage again, noting that the audience has been waiting for an hour. Frederick apologizes, and Lloyd insults him. Lloyd tells Tim to buy more flowers, and Tim says that he has to run the show. Lloyd insults Tim and tells him to prioritize the flowers. Poppy starts crying while calling the actors to their places again. Garry punches the set, and Poppy tells him to be quiet. She starts the music for Nothing On and brings the curtain up.

From this point, the offstage action of Noises Off is printed in a column on the left-hand side of the page, with onstage action of Nothing On in parallel on the right-hand side. 

Mrs. Clackett enters with her sardines and begins the dialogue of Nothing On. The written stage directions of Noises Off describe a good audience reaction to her first joke about the sardines and the phone. As she performs her monologue, Belinda, Frederick, and Selsdon relax into chairs backstage. Tim leaves to buy more flowers. Garry starts hitting the set with his head, and Frederick intervenes to stop him. Belinda has to intervene since Frederick doesn’t realize that Garry is upset with him. Garry threatens to hit Frederick, Frederick hides behind Brooke, and Garry chases Frederick around Brooke. This causes Frederick to get a nosebleed. Belinda pushes Garry toward Brooke and their entrance.

As Roger (played by Garry) opens and closes the doors to the onstage set of Mr. Brent’s house, he sees Dotty offstage, helping Frederick with his nosebleed. This causes Garry to step on Frederick’s foot the next time he looks in a door. Roger continues his dialogue with Vicki and, when looking in another door, sees Dotty kneeling in front of Frederick to look at his foot. Garry mistakes this for a sexual tryst and tries to rush at them, but Belinda pushes him back on stage. Belinda pushes Dotty out on stage for her cue. Mrs. Clackett and Roger talk about her being in the house on her day off. Meanwhile, backstage, Belinda tries to silently explain that Dotty has a crush on Frederick, but he doesn’t understand. As Garry delivers Roger’s lines on stage about Vicki potentially renting the house, Selsdon discovers the bottle of whiskey backstage and takes it to his dressing room. Belinda runs after him and brings him back. When Dotty comes off stage, she begins crying.

Roger and Vicki’s flirtatious Nothing On dialogue continues on stage. Backstage, Frederick tries to console Dotty, and they have to exchange props—the sardines for the newspaper—before Dotty goes back on stage. As Mrs. Clackett talks with Vicki on stage, Selsdon escapes to his dressing room again. Belinda goes after him. When Dotty comes backstage, she thanks Frederick for helping her pull herself together and kisses him. When Roger opens another door as part of his dialogue with Vicki, he sees the kiss backstage. Frederick realizes that Belinda isn’t there to make her entrance with him and silently alerts Dotty to this problem. Seeing Dotty and Frederick together causes Garry to throw a sheet over them when he—as Roger—looks in the linen closet on stage.

As Garry and Brooke make their exit, Belinda rushes back from the dressing room and gives Dotty the whiskey bottle. She and Frederick go on stage as Philip and Flavia and deliver their dialogue about sneaking into their own house. Backstage, Garry chastises Dotty for her intimacy with Frederick, but in silence because of the performance. While she is distracted by Garry, Selsdon tries to take the bottle from Dotty, but her angry look at him causes him to retreat. Garry kneels in front of Dotty, touching her plate of sardines and crying. Dotty gives Garry the whiskey bottle before she makes her entrance as Mrs. Clackett. Mrs. Clacket talks with Philip and Flavia on stage while Garry gives the bottle to Brooke off stage. When Brooke has to put it down to change her costume, Selsdon grabs it.

When Belinda comes backstage, Brooke tells her that Selsdon has gone off with the bottle. Belinda goes after him while, on stage, Mrs. Clackett tells Philip about the letter from Inland Revenue. They exit, and Roger and Vicki enter, continuing the dialogue of Nothing On. Backstage, Belinda returns and indicates that Selsdon is in the bathroom with the bottle. Frederick, Belinda, and Dotty all run to get Selsdon, but Belinda stops them, gets Dotty’s sardine prop, and pushes her on stage. When Brooke gets backstage, Belinda updates her on the situation and makes sure that the set door opens when Brooke—as Vicki—is supposed to open it.

As Mrs. Clackett and Roger talk about the potential of the paranormal on stage, Tim returns backstage from the store with more flowers. Frederick updates Tim while Belinda goes to get Selsdon. She returns and indicates that Selsdon is locked in a dressing room with the bottle. From backstage, Frederick, in the character of Philip, correctly delivers his offstage line, “Oh good Lord above!” (108), which Mrs. Clackett repeats on stage, pretending she said it twice. As Mrs. Clackett and Roger’s dialogue continues on stage, Tim gives Belinda the flowers so that he can attempt to retrieve Selsdon. Belinda gives Frederick the flowers and grabs the emergency fire axe, miming breaking down the dressing room door to get Selsdon. Her cue on stage is approaching, so she gives the axe to Brooke without having time to explain the plan.

As Flavia moves on and off stage, Frederick has to give the flowers to Garry so that he can make his entrance as Philip. While Philip and Mrs. Clackett talk about the letter from Inland Revenue on stage, offstage Brooke gives the axe to Garry, and he gives her the flowers. Belinda notices Garry fondling the axe near the door where Frederick will exit. After taking the flowers from Brooke and sending her to help with Selsdon, Belinda tries to take the axe from Garry. Garry puts it behind his back, and when Belinda puts her arms around him, Dotty comes off stage, seeing them in an apparent embrace. Belinda now has to go on stage as Flavia while carrying Vicki’s dress. Belinda doesn’t have time to get the dress, so she carries the flowers out instead. She changes her lines, substituting “flowers” for “dress.” Frederick, as Philip, is looking at the tax evasion letter and isn’t supposed to notice the prop. He acts accordingly.

Backstage, Dotty takes the axe from Garry and threatens to hit him with it. Frederick comes backstage after his exit and takes the axe from her. Frederick gives the axe to Garry, who threatens to hit Frederick with it. Dotty takes it and threatens Gary with it. Belinda comes off stage and takes the axe away from them. As Garry goes on stage as Roger, Tim grabs the axe from Belinda and takes it toward the dressing rooms. No one knocks before Roger’s line about knocking because Brooke, who is supposed to knock, is still by the dressing rooms. When Belinda realizes this, she starts knocking on the set backstage.

Garry has to improvise Roger’s part because Brooke is still not in her place. Belinda encourages Poppy to read Vicki’s lines about being in the linen closet from off stage. Lloyd comes backstage, and Frederick tries to explain the situation silently but has to go on stage. He hands the flowers to Lloyd. After delivering Philip’s lines about the glue, tax letter, and sardines, he exits. Meanwhile, Lloyd hands the flowers to Dotty and then tries to convince Poppy to change into Vicki’s costume and go on as Brooke’s understudy. Brooke returns from the dressing rooms just in time to see Lloyd pulling down Poppy’s skirt. When he sees Brooke, Lloyd encourages her to go on as Vicki.

When Brooke goes on stage, she accidentally repeats the lines that Poppy already read from backstage. Garry, as Roger, again tries to improvise. Backstage, Dotty kisses Lloyd to thank him for the flowers, and Garry sees this through one of the set doors. This puts him off, and he skips over several pages of the script. Poppy flips through her annotated script to try and figure out where they are, and the other actors look confused. Garry comes backstage and also looks at the script. Tim returns with Selsdon, the whiskey bottle, and the axe embedded in part of the bathroom door. Frederick shouts in surprise at the same time that his character, Philip, is supposed to shout from off stage. Frederick tries to hide the whiskey under a chair before going back on stage.

During Philip and Flavia’s dialogue about the glue, sardines, and tax documents, Tim gives Lloyd the axe backstage. Tim and Dotty play tug-of-war with the flowers, leaving Tim with only one, which he gives to Lloyd. Lloyd offers it to Brooke, it wilts, and she runs off to the dressing rooms. Lloyd gives Tim more money, and Tim puts on his coat to head back to the flower shop. Selsdon’s pants fall down, and when he picks them up off the ground, he sees the bottle of whiskey. Lloyd takes it from Selsdon. On stage, Frederick gets to Philip’s line that is Selsdon’s cue to enter as the burglar. Selsdon misses his cue, and Philip repeats the line. The others quickly pull Selsdon’s pants on before he breaks through the set’s window as the burglar.

While Selsdon delivers his monologue as the burglar on stage, offstage Garry takes the flowers from Dotty and tosses them on the floor. Frederick gives them back to Dotty. Garry takes the axe from Lloyd and threatens Frederick with it. Dotty gives Belinda the flowers, and Belinda puts them on Poppy’s desk. When Dotty tries to protect Frederick, Belinda tries to separate them. Dotty grabs the axe and threatens Belinda with it. On stage, Selsdon has forgotten his line, and Poppy runs to the flower-covered script on her desk to give it to him. After Poppy and the others backstage repeat the line, Selsdon still gets it wrong. Selsdon comes off stage.

While Roger and Mrs. Clackett talk about the paranormal on stage, Belinda takes the bottle of whiskey away from Lloyd off stage. Frederick goes toward the dressing rooms to talk to Brooke. Selsdon takes the bottle, and Belinda goes after him. As Roger and Mrs. Clackett talk about Philip being, or not being, in the study, Tim returns with an even smaller bouquet of flowers and gives them to Lloyd. Belinda motions to Lloyd about Selsdon’s bottle, and Lloyd absently hands Belinda the flowers. Selsdon is able to hide the bottle before Lloyd searches him. Belinda kisses Lloyd for the flowers at the moment that Frederick returns from the dressing rooms with Brooke. Witnessing this, Tim holds out his hand for money for more flowers, and Lloyd gives him the last of his change.

As Roger and Mrs. Clackett talk on stage about sardines, Belinda puts her flowers on Poppy’s table with the other bouquet. Brooke thinks that all the flowers are for Poppy and starts to put on her coat to walk out. As Lloyd gestures for Brooke to stay, Frederick discovers the bottle that Selsdon hid. Selsdon takes it but has to make his entrance. Lloyd takes the bottle from him and offers the whiskey to Brooke. Frederick takes the bottle. Lloyd hands it back to Brooke. Frederick takes the bottle again and shows Dotty where it was hidden in a bucket. When Garry comes backstage, it looks like Frederick and Dotty are hugging. Garry throws the sardines onto Dotty’s head from the upper staircase backstage. As Dotty cleans up her hair, Garry goes on and off as Roger looking for Vicki. Exhausted, he takes a swig of the whiskey backstage.

Below the offstage staircase, Dotty ties Garry shoelaces together. On stage, Frederick enters and says Philip’s lines about the poison eating through his pants. Lloyd tries to warn Garry about his shoelaces, but Garry doesn’t pay attention and trips over as he makes his entrance as Roger. As Philip and Roger’s dialogue continues on stage, Selsdon finds the whiskey, and Lloyd takes it from him. Lloyd, Belinda, and Dotty all drink from the bottle. On stage, the Nothing On action continues: Philip’s pants fall down, and Roger calls him a sex criminal. Garry, playing Roger, falls down the stairs on stage as he comes down because his shoelaces are still tied. Frederick improvises and asks if Garry is okay. Backstage, Belinda prepares to go on stage to help but stops when she hears Garry deliver Roger’s line about calling the police.

Frederick goes backstage with a nosebleed as Roger continues the onstage action. Dotty and Belinda help Frederick as he becomes faint from seeing the blood in his handkerchief. Lloyd tries to get Brooke to take her coat off and go on stage. She moves away from him, bumping into Frederick and the two other women, losing a contact lens. On stage, Garry repeats the line that is Brooke’s cue. Belinda, Dotty, and Lloyd push Brooke, without her contact, on stage. She falls over but carries on. As Vicki and Roger’s dialogue about her needing clothes continues, Selsdon believes that Brooke’s contact is in Dotty’s clothes and begins frisking her. Dotty is confused. Garry delivers Selsdon’s cue and then comes backstage just in time to see this. Garry repeats Selsdon’s cue from off stage. Lloyd realizes that Selsdon has missed his cue and runs on stage to cover for him. Garry tries to attack Frederick, but Frederick escapes on stage as Garry’s shoes are still tied together. Brooke goes on stage as Lloyd comes off stage and looks through Dotty’s clothes for the contact lens. As Vicki looks for Roger, Tim returns from the store with a cactus for Lloyd, and he hands it to Dotty. As Lloyd continues to frisk Dotty, Garry hobbles over with his tied shoelaces, takes the cactus, and sticks Lloyd’s bottom with it. He hobbles away with the cactus, his shoelaces still tied.

On stage, Flavia talks about her findings in the attic. Off stage, Garry abandons the cactus on the floor and ties together the bedsheets that Brooke and Frederick will use later. On stage, the Nothing On action continues: Flavia sees Vicki, Philip’s pants fall down, and Flavia drops the tea set she found in the attic. When Brooke goes backstage, Garry hands her the cactus and goes on stage. Brooke sees Dotty extracting cactus needles from Lloyd’s bottom. The scene where Roger and Philip meet behind their respective sheet and bathmat plays on stage. After Roger exits, Philip meets the burglar, who claims to be a plumber. Backstage, Garry reclaims the cactus, and Lloyd pulls up his pants. Tim takes the cactus as Garry goes on stage.

During Roger’s Nothing On dialogue with the burglar, Frederick puts on his sheet and flaps Brooke’s sheet at her. She starts to leave again, but Lloyd stops her and gives her the cactus. Eventually, she begins to get into her sheet and prepare for her entrance. When Selsdon comes backstage, Brooke gives him the cactus. Brooke and Frederick discover that the sheets are tied together when they get stuck together backstage between two doors. Belinda and Selsdon try to free them, but Selsdon does damage with the cactus. Lloyd gestures to Garry to go on stage and buy them some time.

As Garry improvises some vague lines, Tim starts to get into the third sheet as Frederick’s double. Lloyd stops him, gesturing that Frederick needs to use the spare sheet. However, Frederick is still tangled in his original sheet. Belinda gives the sheikh’s robes to Brooke, and Brooke pulls Frederick through the wrong door on to the stage. On stage, Garry improvises lines as Roger to explain how the sheikh and his wife came out of the linen closet. Backstage, Belinda takes the cactus from Selsdon and gives it to Lloyd, who puts it on a chair. Flavia enters and threatens Philip with the vase. As Roger, Vicki, and Philip perform their dialogue with Mrs. Clackett, Tim realizes that he has nothing to wear, and Lloyd begins drinking the whiskey again.

When Belinda goes backstage, Tim and Lloyd inform her about the missing sheet. She and Lloyd decide to put Tim’s coat on him, backward. On stage, Mrs. Clackett reveals Vicki in her underwear beneath the sheet. Frederick exits, but his sheet is still entangled with Brooke’s sheet, forcing her to exit as well. Selsdon modifies the burglar’s lines about seeing that Vicki is his daughter, only catching a brief glimpse of her as she is pulled off. Brooke manages to untangle herself and return to the stage, affirming that the burglar is Vicki’s dad. Tim goes on stage in his reversed coat. Lloyd puts Brooke’s coat on Frederick, also backward. When he tries to wind the burnous around Frederick’s head, it ends up covering Frederick’s eyes.

On stage, Roger unveils the supposed sheikh and accuses Philip of being a sex criminal. Backstage, Lloyd narrowly avoids sitting on the cactus and drinks the whiskey. Poppy whispers frantically to Lloyd, but he can’t understand her. Selsdon, meanwhile, has again forgotten the last word of the first act of Nothing On. As he asks Poppy for the line, Poppy is explaining to Lloyd that she is pregnant with his baby. Selsdon mishears “baby” as “gravy” and so says “gravy” as his line instead of “sardines.” Poppy is stunned, and Lloyd has to remind her to drop the curtain. When the cast and crew surround him backstage, Lloyd sits on the cactus and immediately jumps up in pain.