Ordinary Hazards

Nikki arrives at Grand Central Station, wondering if she will ever return to Ossining. Bernice and new husband, Clark, are there to greet her, but Nikki is wary of both.

Nikki arrives at her new home to find a welcome party of mostly strangers waiting for her; Grandma Mac is there, too. Nikki is introduced to neighbors, cousins, and Clark’s family, including his father. A tired Nikki goes up to her new room but is summoned back downstairs by Bernice shortly after. Not wanting to disappoint her mother who went to so much effort, Nikki heads downstairs and sees Clark’s father behave inappropriately with Grandma Mac. Grandma Mac slaps him, but he simply laughs it off, and Nikki worries about the similarities between father and son.

Nikki sadly reflects on how separate her sister’s life and hers were during those days.

Alone in her room the next morning, Nikki misses the Buchanans and Ossining. She steps out to explore the neighborhood and walks into a store where three kids are ransacking the place. One of the boys catches her staring and threatens her, which terrifies Nikki.

Nikki races home, still panicked. Peter, her 12-year-old neighbor, sees her and comes over. She tells him what happened, and Peter advises her to knee the offender in the groin if she is ever threatened again. Nikki heads back to her room and writes in her notebook until Bernice returns. Nikki doesn’t tell her about the incident in the store.

Nikki finds it difficult to sleep at night and reads Little Women until she finally falls asleep.

Nikki wonders where her father is; she hasn’t seen or spoken to him in a while.

Nikki reflects on how she is starting midterm at her new school and is “out of sync” (122). On her first day, the teacher reassures her that she will be fine, but Nikki doesn’t believe her. When she sees how much she has to catch up on, she almost has an asthma attack and scrambles for her inhaler.

Nikki is desperate to do well at school and asks God for ideas on how to fix her situation.

Nikki spends hours at the library, determined to catch up.

Nikki is scared of the big city and doesn’t think she is tough enough for it. She wishes her father would call; she hasn’t seen him since Ossining.

Nikki keeps wondering about her father’s absence until one day she overhears Bernice on the phone begging him to leave them alone, as she wants Nikki to give her new family a chance.

Nikki’s mother barely has time for her as she is involved in a number of campaigns and civic groups.

On a good weather day, Nikki reminisces how she used to play with Clancy in the backyard on such days.

Nikki writes a Christmas poem for her mother, but Bernice doesn’t comment on it. When Nikki brings it up, she is dismissive.

Nikki develops a terrible stomach ache on New Year’s Day. Clark simply orders Bernice to give her castor oil. When the pain worsens and they head to the hospital, the doctors immediately take Nikki in for an appendectomy. Later, the nurse tells Nikki she was lucky; if she were just 15 minutes late, there would have been nothing they could have done. Nikki reflects on how it is not luck but God that saved her.

At the bus-stop one day, a group of kids approaches Nikki and invites her to join their street gang. When she refuses, the boys grab hold of her and burn her calf with a lit cigarette. Nikki chastises herself for having been so naive; she gets the burn treated by the school nurse and tells herself to be more prepared next time.

Clark asked about the bandage, but Bernice never did. Nikki wonders why her mother pretends not to see certain things.

Nikki reflects on how she was in constant danger from the street gangs, something Bernice “chose not to see” (136).

Nikki escapes into other people’s lives through books at the library.

Nikki writes a new poem, but again Bernice dismisses it. Bernice has begun drinking gin instead of blackberry brandy; Nikki knows it is only a matter of days before she starts hallucinating again.

Nikki starts her period and is terrified by the blood. When she tells Bernice, she laughs at Nikki before explaining what is going on. Nikki is furious at her mother’s reaction.

Nikki hates her developing body, especially since she has begun receiving strange looks from boys and men. She misses Carol and wonders when her sister will arrive; Bernice keeps fending off Nikki’s questions, quoting “red tape.” Bernice has also started talking to herself again, and Nikki hopes she hasn’t inherited her mother’s mental health condition.

Nikki continues to find escape from her life in books.

Nikki wakes up freezing in the middle of one December night to find her mother holding some kind of seance in the living room with the windows thrown open. She tried to call her father for help but Bernice stops her, claiming everything is fine and she is “just doing this for Him” (145). Nikki goes back to bed but calls Grandma Mac from a payphone the next day, who agrees it is time to call the doctors again.

Nikki likens the goings-on at her house to the movie Psycho.

Committing Bernice to a hospital is a roundabout affair. Nikki is too young to sign papers yet, and she usually contacts Carol when her mother has a psychotic episode. Carol would either contact their father or grandmother for help, or the sisters would take Bernice down to New York Hospital or Bellevue where Carol would pretend to be 18 and sign the papers. Sometimes Bernice would act lucid and the doctors would refuse to admit her; other times they would only do a three-day hold. On this occasion, she is held there for weeks. Each such episode is exhausting and draining to Nikki, and she doesn’t remember the details of all of them anymore.

Nikki reflects on how she wishes she didn’t have to leave her mother in a place as bleak as the psychiatric ward.

Nikki hates hospitals but stills visits Bernice occasionally to show her mother she hasn’t been abandoned.

When Nikki visits Bernice, the latter is usually in a drug-induced stupor. However, on the rare occasion that Bernice recognizes Nikki, Nikki finds her mother’s clarity “heartbreakingly beautiful / to behold” (152).

Bernice returns home, and Nikki is glad she didn’t wait for Clark’s help; Clark is too embarrassed of Bernice to be useful. Bernice promises to take her medication and stay away from alcohol this time, but Nikki doesn’t expect it to last.

Bernice gets better, and Carol finally comes to live with them. Nikki had imagined them sharing a room, but Bernice insists Carol needs her space and puts her in a room by herself. Two months in, when Clark had gotten drunk one night, Nikki hears a ruckus coming from Carol’s room. By the time Nikki comes out, Carol is being rushed out the door by Bernice with no explanation.

Nikki reflects on how her mother always makes people disappear.

Carol calls Nikki; she is staying with an aunt and doesn’t explain why she left, promising to tell her in person one day. Bernice refuses to explain either.

Bernice begins drinking again, and Nikki throws her brandy down the drain.

Nikki grows incredibly uncomfortable with the way Clark looks at her.

Nikki grew up hearing about the horrific things that happened to Black people in the South. When she was 11, great-grandmother Sally invited her there for a visit, but Nikki refused to go. She never got to meet her great-grandmother and hopes to do so after death, “on the other side, where racism / has been excised / and justice is / common as dirt” (159).

Clark quits another job and hangs around at home in nothing but a robe, with an erection pointed in Nikki’s direction.

Nikki and Carol don’t talk much; when they are together, they are extremely connected, but when they are apart, it feels like they are living different lives.

Nikki sees the Ole Miss riot of 1962 on the news and loses her appetite for dinner.

Nikki reflects on the hypocrisy of white people who lie on the beach with suntan lotion but also discriminate against Black people.

Clark’s son, Ronald, visits for Christmas. On Christmas Eve, Bernice sends Nikki out to do chores while she, Clark, and Ronald are suspiciously locked in the bedroom. The family opens one present each at night; Ronald gets an expensive watch while Nikki gets a cheap bottle of perfume. Disappointed, Nikki goes to bed early and comes downstairs late next morning to find a brand-new bicycle with her name on it parked in the living room.

Clark stares at Nikki all the time now, but she doesn’t tell Bernice about it. She knows Bernice will dismiss it.

When Nikki is taking a shower one day, Clark enters the bathroom and watches her. She yells at him to get out and wonders whether Bernice will finally leave him if she knows what he is doing.

Clark keeps finding ways to touch or squeeze past Nikki. Nikki does all she can to avoid being alone in the same room as him, while Bernice pretends not to notice.

Nikki enjoys playing gin rummy with her mother. Even though Nikki hates losing, she loves Bernice’s expression when she knows she is about to win. Every time they play, Clark yells at Bernice to fetch him something or the other while Nikki wonders why he can’t do it himself. Bernice makes excuses for him, stating he is grouchy because he lost his job, and Nikki points out he has quit every single job he ever had.

Nikki worries about Clark’s inability to hold a job, which is stressing her mother out. Bernice has been working overtime and has started drinking heavily again. Nikki begs God to help.

Nikki runs to Prospect Park and back after school every day. Peter joins occasionally to race her, and she beats him every time.

Nikki gets home from school one day to find Clark watching TV while Bernice drinks on the sly in her room. Nikki asks Bernice to sign her report card to see if her hand is trembling like it usually does at the end of a binge. Her hand is steady, but Nikki knows it is a matter of time.

That night, while Bernice is passed out from drinking, Clark sexually assaults Nikki, holding her down and forcibly performing oral sex on her. After he leaves, a tearful Nikki bars her room door and swears Clark will never touch her again.

Nikki wants to peel her skin off. She changes her clothes and showers repeatedly but is unable to feel any cleaner.

The next morning, Nikki sticks a butcher’s knife underneath her pillow before going for a run. She runs into three girls from a street gang, and this time she doesn’t shy away from a confrontation. The girls attack her with a knife and Nikki fights back with a broken bottle, and both parties are injured in the process. Clark and Bernice take her to the hospital to get a tetanus shot, and Bernice is surprised by how Nikki talks back to Clark the entire time.

Bernice tells Nikki they are moving, as Clark’s unemployment has left them unable to afford their current home. Nikki wonders whether Clark is the reason Carol left; she thinks something happened, but Bernice didn’t believe Carol and banished her instead.

Nikki arrives on a new street with another mid-term move, and everything is a blur.

Nikki forgets the specifics of schools and street names over time because of the madness of her daily life.

Gin bottles have begun reappearing, and Nikki knows the paranoia will be next. However, she refuses to cry, swearing she will never be weak again.

Nikki watches Bernice and Clark get drunk as the annual block party is in full swing outside. She heads out to join in, dancing to the music of Chubby Checker to forget her worries.

Nikki marvels at how the sun rises everyday despite how dark she feels inside.

Nikki vents her rage on paper in the form of poems, prayers, and questions to God.

Nikki regrets that she cannot remember the friends she made in Brooklyn. Her memories of her time there are filled instead with Bernice’s drinking, trips to the hospital, encounters with local gangs, and Clark’s predatory behavior.

By her 13th birthday, Nikki is more comfortable with how she looks. She knows her stubbornness and wit are attractive, and while she is more “cute” in comparison to Carol’s beauty, she is the tallest in the family. She is proud of this and teases an unamused Bernice by calling her “Mom Pygmy.”

Nikki wakes up at 2 am to Bernice’s and Clark’s voices arguing about his unemployment. The fight escalates, and Nikki hears something fall down the stairs. She grabs her knife and heads out to discover that Clark has thrown Bernice down the stairs. Nikki almost stabs him before Bernice stops her, claiming he isn’t worth it. Nikki yells at an apologetic Clark to get out of the house. After he leaves, Nikki and Bernice hold each other until Nikki calms down and realizes the horror of what she almost did.

Bernice calls Nikki’s father, who picks her up; she is to stay with him for a few days. Bernice reassures Nikki she will be fine, and Nikki leaves the knife on her mother’s nightstand before she goes.

Nikki’s father’s apartment is a mess, and she remembers how he once stated he didn’t know how to care for young girls. She resolves never to tell him about Clark, and she doesn’t offer to help clean up, thinking “he could use some practice / taking care of his / not-so-little girl” (198).

Nikki wakes up startled at the absence of the knife beneath her pillow then relaxes when she remembers she is at her father’s place.

The next night, Nikki and her father share a pizza before watching TV. He doesn’t ask uncomfortable questions and simply puts his arm around her shoulder in comfort.

Nikki’s stay with her father is cut short; Clark is back and sleeping on the couch like nothing happened. However, she is sure that he knows now not to mess with her.

Nikki comes home one evening in November to find Bernice crying over an autographed photograph of John F. Kennedy; Nikki knows enough about him to join her mother.

Seventeen-year-old Carol has gotten herself an apartment. She is waitressing at a place that is paying her under the table until she turns 18. Nikki considers going to live with her but decides she can’t leave Bernice alone with Clark.

Around Thanksgiving, Clark leaves Bernice’s life for good, and Nikki is grateful.

Nikki returns some books to the library, though she wants to hold onto A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, as she identifies deeply with Francie, the protagonist.

Nikki counts down the quiet days before the next problem Bernice will surely bring.

Nikki is thrilled to be moving this time, because wherever they go, Clark will not be there.

Nikki is glad to bid goodbye to this house. The night before moving, Bernice disposes of all her bottles of alcohol, promising things will be different. Nikki doesn’t believe her anymore, though she still hopes for a miracle.