Ordinary Hazards

The writer confesses that the name “Nikki” is made up; she “plucked” it out of the word “nickname” when she was six. She refuses to disclose her real name, hiding it along with her memories. She doesn’t think that girl is worth much, because of everything that happened to her.

Nikki admits that she has been running from the past for years but thinks it is time to shed light on the truth. She reflects that pain and rage can clog up one’s heart and veins, leaving no space for love or joy.

Nikki describes how she was a regular at the emergency room at the Harlem hospital because of her asthma. She wasn’t born there, but Harlem is a part of her identity; one of the few pictures she has of herself is as a young girl “standing on the streets of Harlem, / looking lost” (11).

The first home Nikki remembers is a “railroad flat.” She thinks it was preparation for all the time she would eventually spend riding the train.

Nikki’s sister, Carol, describes how Nikki would be tucked into a dresser drawer as a young child, out of reach of the rats that roamed their apartment at night.

Memories slip through the cracked door of the past like the bright lights that used to visit Nikki as a toddler, the latter her proof of angels and that God was always watching over her.

The word “Mother” is too small to sum up the person, albeit short in stature, who has deeply impacted Nikki’s life.

Nikki’s mother, Bernice, was once a “beauty.” Nikki describes her parents’ wedding photo, which appeared to sell the story that anyone could “enjoy / a moment of bliss / like this” (16).

Nikki used to catch Bernice speaking to people who weren’t there. She only learned of the term “paranoid schizophrenia” many years later.

Nikki’s father, a violinist who composed chamber music, was barely present in her early years. Nikki’s parents constantly fought about her father’s gambling and her mother’s erratic behavior.

Nikki’s father’s absences take an emotional toll on her mother, and she turns to alcohol for comfort. Nikki once tries a sip of her mother’s drink and spits out the bitter liquid, wondering why her mother chooses to drink.

Nikki, Carol, and their mother move in with an aunt named “Sadie” and her grown sons for a while. The sons regularly use heroin in front of the young girls. When Nikki’s mother confronts Sadie about it, Sadie hits Nikki’s mother on the head with an iron, badly injuring her. Nikki and her family move out the next day.

Nikki reflects on the “ordinary hazards” in the world, “like closets with locks and keys” (22). Without Sadie’s help, Nikki’s mother is forced to leave the girls with a succession of babysitters while she works during the day. One of them, “Demon,” locks Nikki and Carol in the closet every single day the moment their mother leaves for work, leaving them inside with no food or water until just before Bernice returns.

Carol tells their mother, but she doesn’t believe them until she comes home early one day to find them still inside. She is horrified and apologetic and the girls never see the “Demon” again, but both girls develop a lasting fear of the dark.

Nikki misses her father, her mother’s occasional affection never compensating for her father’s warmth.

Nikki lists family members by name, wondering where they all were when she and Carol were children.

Nikki describes how she transformed from chubby-cheeked baby to a tall, bespectacled young girl who was sure she would never be pretty.

Nikki’s mother binge drinks blackberry brandy and is sometimes absent for days on end. Carol, just five years older, takes care of Nikki as best as she can, feeding her a mixture of raw oats and buttermilk. Someone notices and calls Child Services, who come and take the girls away in a police car.

For two years, Nikki and Carol rotate through a host of foster homes together.

In one foster home in Jersey, Nikki and Carol are whipped whenever the foster parents’ children misbehave and blame the girls. Carol finally steals some of the foster parents’ money, takes Nikki with her, and flees into the night.

Nikki and Carol don’t know where their mother is, so they head to their grandmother’s house in Washington Heights. Grandma Mac is surprised to see them and tells them they can stay for a few days, but no more, saying, “I’ve already raised my kids. I’m done” (35). Nikki wonders what she and Carol have done that has left them undeserving of love.

Children’s Services arrive the very next morning to take the girls away to different houses, and Nikki lets Grandma Mac see the hatred in her eyes.

Nikki stands on the subway platform next to the social worker who is taking her away from Carol and finally cries at the separation.

Nikki is taken by train to Ossining, her next home.

Nikki reflects on how it is difficult to chalk out the chronology of events in her life, which has always been so chaotic.