Regretting You

“I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. Now that Clara is getting older, I’ve been feeling this gaping hole inside me, like it’s sucking the air out of each day that passes by, where all I do is live for Chris and Clara.”

At 34, Morgan details the internal conflict that has been growing inside of her now that her daughter Clara is going through The Transition from Childhood to Adulthood. As Clara grows more independent, Morgan begins to realize what is missing from her life. She longs for more. Hoover accelerates this journey of self-discovery after Chris and Jenny’s deaths leave Morgan grappling with her life choices.

“Maybe that’s another reason I don’t like that Jonah’s back. I don’t like seeing Chris through Jonah’s eyes.”

Morgan remarks on her dislike for Jonah’s return to their lives as the father of Jenny’s son Elijah. She notes Jonah’s ability to see Chris’s immaturity, which Morgan avoids confronting because she doesn’t like to acknowledge her unhappiness in her marriage. Jonah functions as a reminder of what Morgan truly desires and of how incompatible she and Chris are as a couple.

“I might remove the whole door tomorrow. I’d rather have no door at all than a door that doesn’t even work like a door should work. Doors should slam shut when you’re angry.”

On her birthday, Morgan comments on how much she hates the kitchen door in her and Chris’s home, which they inherited from Chris’s parents. A symbol of their traditional life, the kitchen door enrages Morgan. Prior to Chris and Jenny’s deaths, she contemplates destroying the door, which represents her desire to break free from the restricted life she has been living for the past 17 years.

“It means people who make mistakes usually learn from them. That doesn’t make them hypocrites. It makes them experienced.”

The morning after Morgan’s birthday, Jonah speaks with Clara about her contentious relationship with her mother. After Clara calls her mother a hypocrite for judging Jonah and Jenny’s relationship, Jonah defends Morgan. He attempts to explain that mistakes allow people to grow and change. Hoover alludes to the mistakes that Clara will make throughout the novel as she searches for her own independence and grapples with The Nuances of Grief.

“I don’t even know what’s happening right now. I don’t know if I like it or hate it, but I do know that whatever it is that makes me feel the way I do when I’m around him is a feeling that can only be fought for so long. He’s looking back at me like he’s almost at the end of his fight.”

At school, Miller and Clara share an intense moment in his truck before school starts. Confused about Miller’s feelings for her, Clara reflects on how her undeniable chemistry with Miller makes it difficult for her to continue respecting his girlfriend’s wishes. Hoover compares Miller and Clara’s attraction with that of Morgan and Jonah, who still struggle to admit their intense feelings for one another. She also examines the power of natural attraction and its ability to cloud one’s judgment through her exploration of the betrayal of Chris and Jenny.

“I hit the door in the same spot, over and over, until the wood begins to chip. Eventually, a hole begins to form, and I can see from the kitchen into the living room. It feels good. That kind of worries me.”

No longer able to suppress her intense emotions, Morgan begins to destroy the kitchen door with a hammer. This total disregard for composure enthralls Morgan and releases her from the restriction that has dictated her life for the past 17 years. This moment marks the beginning of Morgan acting on her feelings and exploring what it means to live for herself.

“Things just feel uneven with her. We aren’t on the same page. We don’t know how to talk to each other now that Dad and Jenny are gone.”

Clara comments on the tension between her and her mother in the aftermath of her father and aunt’s deaths. Clara and Morgan’s lack of communication impedes their individual journeys of growth and demonstrates The Complexities of Mother-Daughter Relationships. As Clara grows older and more independent, Morgan struggles to adapt. Hoover highlights the unique struggles between a mother and her teenage daughter as they work toward peace and healing.

“Since the moment of the wreck, everything in my life has felt like it’s edged in sharp corners, and I’ve been tiptoeing around this world in the dark for the past month, trying not to injure myself.”

Miller and Clara connect at Starbucks and enjoy their time together. Clara notices the ease she feels around Miller and the relief he gives her from her relentless grief. Hoover employs the imagery of darkness to portray Clara’s sadness. The use of the words sharp and tiptoeing conveys the danger Clara feels because of the sudden deaths of her father and aunt. The anxiety she experiences consumes her and draws her closer to Miller.

“I’ve believed in you since the moment I met you. I believe in myself now that I’ve finally left you.”

In Miller’s car, Clara and Miller continue to connect and learn more about each other. She asks Miller what his favorite song lyrics are. Through Miller’s favorite lyrics, Hoover conveys the greater themes of first love, grief, and self-discovery. The lyrics correspond to the significance of romantic relationships throughout the novel as they aid Morgan and Clara in their journeys of self-discovery.

“I think it’s time I figure out who I was meant to become before I started living my life for everyone else.”

Morgan recalls Jonah’s sudden departure 17 years earlier and the predictable patterns of behavior that dictated her life in his absence. Now free from her marriage through the tragic death of her husband, Morgan is inspired to reconnect with her younger spirit and live for herself. Her search for her life’s purpose leads her to confront her hidden feelings for Jonah and to find common ground with her rebellious daughter.

“How long will it take until I don’t feel guilty for feeling happy? Shouldn’t I be in a depression every second of the day? Not just at intervals?”

As she and Miller make their romance official, Clara feels overwhelmed with happiness. However, her happiness is tied to survivor’s guilt. This illustrates The Nuances of Grief. Using rhetorical questions, Hoover examines the complicated nature of grief, which irrevocably changes those left behind in its wake. While Clara feels joy after grief, she also struggles to balance the sadness and guilt that threatens to consume her.

“I’m laughing so hard I roll onto my side in the fetal position because I’m using muscles I feel like I haven’t used in forever. It’s the first time I’ve laughed since Chris and Jenny died. It’s also the first time I’ve heard Jonah laugh since they died.”

At Jonah’s prompting, Morgan and Jonah begin destroying a painting gifted to Chris by Jenny. As Jonah and Morgan destroy the painting with random food and condiments, they laugh for the first time since Chris and Jenny’s deaths. The destruction releases Morgan and Jonah from the reminder of Chris and Jenny’s betrayal and provides them a healing moment of connection.

“When he parts my lips with his and I feel his tongue slide against mine, I experience a full-body shiver. It’s so much all at once. It’s an awakening, but it’s also a death. It’s the realization that I’ve gone my whole life being kissed by the wrong man.”

Morgan’s reaction to Jonah’s passionate kiss surprises her and solidifies that she and Jonah were meant to be together. To express the complex feelings Morgan is experiencing in this moment, Hoover uses a paradox to describe the significance of the kiss. She refers to the kiss as an awakening that allows Morgan to see that true human connection does exist. She also refers to the kiss as a death of the old Morgan who lived her life for others and denied herself true pleasure.

“Who am I to raise a human? Who am I to teach someone morals? Who am I to help guide someone else through life when I’m wearing a blindfold and running in the wrong direction?”

The morning after Clara discovers Morgan and Jonah kissing, Morgan questions her ability to parent and illustrates The Complexities of Mother-Daughter Relationships. She wonders if she is capable of parenting Clara when she is confused herself over the direction of her own life. Hoover captures the insecurities of parenting through her use of the imagery of the blindfold, which represents the lack of awareness that often accompanies parenting. Through her investigation of Morgan and Clara’s relationship, Hoover underscores the fears of many parents.

“I hate myself for this, but I lean into him and let him hug me while I cry. I miss my dad so much. I feel more sadness than anger right now, so I let Jonah hug me because it feels better than fighting.”

After Clara’s outburst in Jonah’s class, he embraces her in the hallway. Rather than resisting Jonah’s comfort, Clara leans in and begins to cry. She remarks on how much Jonah reminds her of her father in this moment, signifying Jonah’s significance in the novel as he adopts the position of her father figure. Clara demonstrates growth as she ceases fighting against her feelings and allows herself to cry openly. This growth propels her forward as she, under Jonah’s light guidance, allows herself to be vulnerable with her mother and resolve their issues.

“Sometimes you have to walk away from the fight in order to win it.”

Miller quotes Clara as he leaves her driveway following her tumultuous birthday dinner. He refuses to be Clara’s prop in her attempts to hurt her mother. Through Miller’s resistance to her manipulation of him, Clara learns the impact her actions have on others around her. She learns not to use Miller as a way to escape difficult situations and faces the truth of her issues with her mother.

“I’ve been lying to myself, doing everything in my power to convince myself that the feelings Jonah stirs up inside me are nothing more than anger. I’m a terrible liar, though. I always have been.”

On Clara’s birthday, Morgan confronts her true feelings for Jonah and travels to his home to express them openly. She reflects on how she has been lying to herself and decides to tell the truth. A significant moment in Morgan’s development, this solidifies her growth and leads her to ultimate peace and happiness with Jonah and, eventually, Clara.

“Even at seventeen years old, I still feel all the comforts of childhood when I’m sick and my mother takes care of me.”

The morning after her birthday, Clara recovers from her heavy drinking and remembers her mother caring for her throughout the night. Clara comments on the immense comfort her mother provides her. This incident provides them with the foundation to rebuild their relationship. While drunk, Clara makes herself vulnerable to her mother and accepts her comfort. This reconnection allows them to engage in honest and open dialogue the next day and find reconciliation.

“I realize as I’m looking at her that something happened. I don’t know when or if it was gradual or overnight, but something has changed in her significantly. Or maybe something has changed in me.”

As Clara and Morgan speak openly about the truth of Chris and Jenny’s affair, Morgan notes the change she sees in Clara and in herself. Morgan notices the maturity within Clara as she works through the upsetting news with grace. Through this pivotal moment of honesty, Morgan and Clara rediscover their love for one another and empathize with one another. Hoover uses this moment to begin the resolution of her novel and share a message of love and hope.

“It feels like my soul has been stomped on. But somehow, even beneath all the pain, I understand. Right now, I’m not what she needs. I’m not the solace she’ll find the most comforting, and even though it feels like the death of a huge part of our relationship, I’m grateful to know there’s someone out there who gives her that besides me.”

In the aftermath of learning about her father and aunt’s affair, Clara desperately seeks out Miller, not her mother, for comfort. Although she is hurt by Clara’s rejection, Morgan reflects on this change in their relationship. While Clara previously relied solely on Morgan, Clara has now transitioned into adulthood and seeks out comfort in her own relationships. Rather than resisting this change, Morgan embraces it.

“I don’t know how to answer that, because looking back on it, I don’t know how my mother even got out of bed after finding something like this out. For the first time since the wreck, I feel this ache for her—for what she went through. What she’s still going through.”

In the movie theater, Clara updates Miller on the truth about her father and aunt’s affair. When Miller asks about Morgan, Clara reflects on all that her mother has endured and empathizes with her. Throughout the novel, Clara has judged and criticized her mother, but now she recognizes the pain her mother has endured. Clara’s ability to empathize with her mother demonstrates her growing maturity.

“Attraction isn’t something that only happens once, with one person. It’s part of what drives humans. Our attraction to each other, to art, to food, to entertainment. Attraction is fun.”

Morgan arrives at the movie theater to check on Clara. When Clara expresses concerns over her own ability to be faithful, Morgan comforts her by explaining the power of attraction. Earlier in the novel, Clara rejected her mother’s attempts to bond with her and relied on her Aunt Jenny to enlighten her on relationships. Now, Morgan explains the power of attraction to Clara openly while Clara respects her mother’s words. They are no longer engaged in a dynamic of power play but in open, honest communication.

“Then she does something unexpected. She sighs and leans her head on Jonah’s shoulder. It may not seem like much to her, but it means the world to me. The gesture is more than any words could ever be worth. It’s her telling him she’s sorry. Sorry for what Chris did to him. Sorry for thinking it was our fault.”

The day after Clara and Morgan’s reconciliation, Clara leans on Jonah’s shoulder as they play with baby Elijah. Morgan observes them and feels grateful for Clara’s willingness to seek forgiveness from Jonah and move on. No longer afraid of being honest with Clara, Morgan finds freedom in this moment. Hoover uses this to document the new family Jonah, Morgan, Clara, and Elijah are creating.