Reminders of Him

Kenna overhears Ledger’s conversation. When Ledger drives her home and helps her unload the table and chairs, Kenna asks him why he is worried about Roman asking her out. Ledger admits what is most troubling him, his fear that Kenna initially approached him not because she was attracted to him but to get close to Diem. Kenna does not deny that she is jealous that Ledger spends time with her daughter. The two reach an impasse. There is no way Scotty’s parents will accept Kenna. There is no way Kenna walks away from Diem. There is no way Kenna falls in love with Ledger. There is no way she does not. See sees that “[t]here have been so many choices and consequences and feelings packed into the space between [them], but Ledger manages to push through all of it” (194). Despite Kenna’s doubts, Ledger kisses her deeply. Kenna pulls back, and Ledger departs. Confused, Kenna dashes off a letter to Scotty, “Ledger and I definitely had a moment, but was it a good one? A bad one? It felt more sad than anything” (196).

At the T-ball game the next day, Diem repeats her dislike of the sport and her dream of fencing. She tells Ledger that someday she will come work for him at the bar. It is then that Ledger receives a text from Kenna: “Please come get me” (198). He leaves immediately for the grocery store. Kenna is an emotional mess—the restraining order was served: “They want me to know they are not changing their minds” (200), Kenna says. Ledger fears she is right, but if he gets involved with Kenna, they will cut him out of her life as well. He does not blame them: “Fuck. There’s no good answer” (200).

At the store, when the restraining order is served, it hits Kenna hard. She heads to the bathroom in a panic attack. She texts Ledger. Calmed by Ledger’s presence, the two go get snow cones. Kenna asks about the home Ledger is building. Ledger offers to show it to her. Kenna is impressed by the 10-acre spread, the spaciousness, the view, and the manor-style home. Kenna realizes that Ledger is a retired professional athlete and has money. She asks about Ledger’s wedding—today is the day he was to have been married. Ledger deflects the question and says rather that Scotty might not like this house because it is causing Diem so much consternation. He is not sure now whether the place is his dream house or his future prison. The two pull close and share a kiss. Kenna can see the “torment” (207) in Ledger’s eyes.

Back at the bar now, Ledger understands how right Roman is—give Kenna the money to leave and the problem will go away. The Landrys would never find out how deeply he got involved with the person they believed killed their son. He texts Kenna to come to the bar, and when she arrives, he offers her the money outright. He admits he is “tired of the back-and-forth” with Kenna, that he is “tired of hiding her” (213). He is surprised when Kenna accepts his offer and gives her two-week notice. He regrets the deal. He knows how much Diem would benefit from knowing her mother.

Ledger drives Kenna home. She still feels the “unresolved energy” (215) between them, but they ride in silence. He walks her to her door and comes in. They talk about Scotty, the accident, and the trial. Kenna hesitates to open up too much but tells him that she accepted the manslaughter deal only because she did not know then that she was pregnant. She opens up enough to share that her secret life ambition is to be a locksmith: “No one can be mad at a locksmith” (218). They move closer, and Kenna feels the attraction between them. Ledger tells her he wants to fight for her because Diem needs her mother, and he knows that is what Scotty would have wanted. The two make love. Later, Kenna writes a short note to Scotty in bed with Ledger next to her: “Right now, Ledger is the one thing in my life that makes me happy” (226).

It is Mother’s Day, and Diem is expecting Ledger at the Landrys. He gifts Grace with a bouquet before he returns to Kenna’s, another bouquet in hand, and asks whether Kenna might want to drive out to the house and help with some work.

As they drive out to the site, Ledger sheepishly gives Kenna a gift, a link to a song list, songs so upbeat that “they could never remind you of anything sad” (234). He wants to lift her from her sadness. He wants the Landrys to meet her and give her a chance. He hesitates—there is still so much about the accident he does not know. He is certain now that Kenna is a good person, but he tells Kenna that he needs to know what happened the night of the accident.

While the two are still in the truck, Kenna reads the long letter about the accident to Ledger from off her phone. She and Scotty were at a party. Kenna did not know anybody and was content to watch Scotty. His heart was not in it. He was getting too old for partying. He was ready to grow up. His friends crowded around him. Kenna and Scotty left the party early and headed to one of their favorite spots along a lake. They had some beer from the party and snacks and enjoyed the beautiful moonlit night with music blasting from Scotty’s radio. They did not have sex—they cuddled, which Kenna loved even more. They decided to skinny dip. When they were done swimming, they were hungry and decided to head to their favorite diner back in town. Scotty deferred to the far less drunk Kenna to drive.

Kenna remembered vaguely driving a bit too fast. When she applied the brakes, the car spun and flew off the road flipping into a deep ditch. Glass from the shattered windows was everywhere. Kenna initially did not realize the extent of the accident and worried only about getting Scotty’s car repaired. Kenna slowly began to understand the two were trapped, pinned in the front seat. When she called over to Scotty, he did not answer. When she reached over to nudge him, he did not respond. That was when she saw he was covered in blood. She became hysterical. She managed to crawl out of the car window. When she went to Scotty’s window, however, she saw he was dead: “No matter how much you love someone,” she thinks, “you can still do despicable things to them” (245).

She panicked and ran down the highway as if in a “nightmare” (245). She believed that she killed Scotty, and the rest was a blur. She wasn’t sure how she got home, but she vaguely remembers the police finding her in her bed hours later. She said nothing as the police led her away or during the interrogation, even when she was told that Scotty lived for several hours, bleeding to death alone by the side of the country road: “When they told me you would still be alive if I had just called for help, I did die” (249).

In jail awaiting trial, she said nothing, ate little, and never slept. The details of that night, however, became clearer. She was crushed by the awareness of what she did. She found herself wanting to be punished. She pleaded guilty. It was only when she was awaiting sentencing that she realized she missed her period. In the letter, she tells Scotty she is haunted by images of his slow and lonely death and fears that being denied their daughter is his way of paying her back. She cannot apologize enough for what she did: “I am not a bad person” (252), however, she cannot forgive herself.