Roller Girl

“She looked like a superhero.”

When Astrid goes to her first roller derby, she sees Rainbow Bite, the star player and jammer, skating around the rink at lightning speed. Rainbow Bite is passing everyone, moves with grace, and seems very tough and cool to Astrid. Rainbow Bite instantly becomes Astrid’s hero in this moment, inspiring her to take up roller derby and discover a new side of herself that is bolder and more confident.

“And just like that, my fate was decided. I was going to be a roller girl.”

After the game, Astrid knows her fate is sealed. She wants to be a roller girl just like Rainbow Bite. She immediately signs up for roller derby camp and begins living her new dream. Although she finds it much more difficult than she expected, and Nicole is not with her, Astrid persists and becomes a skilled player by the end of the summer.

“When someone saves your life like that…you can’t help but become best friends.”

Astrid looks back on her friendship with Nicole and how Nicole was always there for her. In first grade, Rachel finds a dead squirrel on the playground and orders everyone not to touch it. Astrid decides to touch it just to spite her, and Rachel begins screaming that Astrid has rabies now and is going to die. Astrid runs to the bathroom and washes her hands dozens of times. Nicole comes into the washroom to check on Astrid and looks at her hands to find no cuts. Nicole reassures Astrid that she is probably fine and waits for her to calm down before walking her back to class. Astrid realizes that this is the mark of a good friend, but she does not act as such until the end of summer when she surprises Zoey at the bout.

“I got a very bad feeling that this summer wasn’t going to go the way I planned.”

Nicole’s mother drives her and Astrid to Nicole’s ballet lesson after a visit to a roller rink, and Astrid is quiet the whole way after noticing that Nicole refuses to talk about roller derby camp. When they arrive at the studio, Rachel is there waiting for Astrid, and the two of them walk off together, talking about ballet. Astrid realizes that the summer she had in mind, in which she and Nicole learned roller derby together, was not going to happen.

“Maybe I was going into combat…and it looked like I was heading in all alone.”

Astrid rides by Nicole’s house until Nicole finally comes outside to talk to her. It turns out that Nicole does not want to go to skate camp at all but would rather go to dance camp instead. She is frustrated that Astrid never actually asked but assumed that Nicole would be going. When Astrid finds this out and then finds out that Nicole is hanging out with Rachel yet again, Astrid realizes that Nicole and Rachel are now two against her, and all she can do is go through it alone.

“I can’t really explain it…but I felt great after that! I had looked danger straight in the eye- and I survived!”

Astrid has all but lost confidence in roller derby when Heidi decides to take the team outside for a skate. Astrid has walked home after practice each day, so she’s used to the heat and does better than she expected. However, Astrid still has no control when it comes to stopping and ends up careening down a hill at full speed. She does what she was taught by Heidi and falls small into a bush. She emerges unscathed, and the team congratulates her daring feat, even comparing her to Rainbow Bite. Astrid feels a renewed sense of hope and self-assurance after this experience and pushes forward with full steam.

“Hang in there, and repeat after me. Tougher. Stronger. Fearless!”

When Astrid writes a note to Rainbow Bite indicating her desire to be like her some day, Rainbow Bite writes back. Astrid is astonished to find the note from her hero, and she finds words of encouragement that she takes to heart. Astrid adopts this three-word mantra and repeats it to herself whenever she must face something scary or unknown, and it helps propel her forward. Astrid wants to be like Rainbow Bite and believes that applying these traits to herself will make that happen. Sure enough, in the end, Rainbow Bite tells Astrid she is a hero for taking hits for the team.

“This was the same exact question I’d been asking myself for the past few weeks. Maybe it’s one of those great mysteries of the universe.”

When Astrid sees Rachel and Nicole at the fairground, she decides to eavesdrop on their conversation. She does not like what she hears, especially when Rachel tells Nicole to stop being friends with Astrid. When Nicole asks Rachel how a person goes about ending a friendship, Astrid figures there is no easy answer to this question. Rachel has an answer, however: just stop talking to them. Astrid feels more and more hurt by Nicole and Rachel until she finally decides to distance herself from them.

“I can’t really explain the fire that came over me. I’d never been so mad before, and I let the mad run through my veins like rocket fuel. I was a woman possessed.”

After overhearing Nicole and Rachel talking about ditching her, Astrid decides to react with anger and persistence rather than backing down or cowering. She begins exercising more and more, practices her skating constantly, and stays extra hours at the rink. Astrid uses her hurt to fuel her success in roller derby, turning it into a positive thing. Furthermore, this is the first time Astrid refers to herself as a “woman,” indicating that she sees herself maturing and growing up.

“My knees were shaking with relief and bottled-up stress. Is it possible to give yourself an ulcer in 5 minutes? At the ripe age of 12?”

Astrid is dragged to the clothing store by her mother, and Nicole happens to be there. Astrid’s mother does not know the two are not speaking and thinks Nicole’s mother has been picking them up from roller derby camp every day. She calls Nicole over to say hi, and Astrid is mortified. She is certain Nicole will take revenge for the drink being thrown at her and reveal Astrid’s lie, but instead she covers for Astrid. Astrid is relieved in that moment, but she is also becoming more and more stressed as her lie builds and tensions rise with Nicole and Zoey.

“You know how Picasso had his ‘blue period’? *You would know this if your mom forced evenings of cultural enlightenment on you. Well, I’ve come to consider this part of my life as my ‘black period’.”

Astrid is fighting with both Nicole and Zoey, lying to her mom, and cannot come to grips with the fact that she was not chosen to be a jammer for the upcoming bout. As a result, she spirals downward into cynicism and anger. She compares how she felt during this time to how Picasso felt during the darkest period of his life, believing that everything in her life has fallen apart.

“I sat steaming on my bed. I didn’t care. I was fighting with everyone else in the world, why not my mother too?”

Astrid’s mother finds out she has been lying about Nicole coming to roller derby and Nicole’s mother driving them home. Astrid’s mother is angry and confused, not understanding why Astrid would lie to her. Astrid is sent to her room so her mother can calm down, and when Astrid gets to her room, she begins fuming. She is at odds with Nicole, Rachel, Zoey, and now her mother as well. Astrid decides to start punching her teddy bear to release some of her rage.

“I used to imagine I was Venus, Mom was Mercury, and Nicole was earth. I‘d make up stories about us floating around the solar system together. We’d visit other galaxies and meet extraterrestrials. Now I was more like a lone golf ball whacked into space by an astronaut. Just floating by myself. Forever.”

Astrid has a solar system painted on her ceiling, and she often stares up at it when she is in deep thought. As she awaits the talk from her mother after she found out about the lies, Astrid stares up into space once again. She remembers how she always saw Nicole and her mother as the most important things in her life and that the three of them would always have more adventures to come. Now, Astrid feels distant from her mother and has almost lost Nicole completely. Everything has changed in Astrid’s world, and she feels alone. Once the conflicts are resolved, Astrid later embraces this independence by transforming it into her new derby name, Asteroid.

“Take it from me, kids: If you find yourself in hot water with your parents, try talking to them about your ‘crazy mixed-up teenage feelings’. It might get you out of a jam.”

Astrid has a long talk with her mom and explains everything she has been going through. She tells her mom about the fights with Nicole and Rachel, the issues with Zoey, and not being picked for jammer. Astrid’s mother is still upset at her for lying but understands what she is experiencing and goes easy on her as a result. Astrid’s mother appreciates Astrid confiding in her but makes her promise to be honest from now on. Astrid interjects and addresses the reader directly in this moment, breaking the fourth wall.

“When I was in kindergarten, my teacher had a poster that was supposed to teach you about feelings. The feelings were all simple ones, like ‘happy’ and ‘sad’. They didn’t tell you about feelings that got mixed together like a smoothie.”

Astrid draws a picture of the poster she had in her kindergarten room. It shows several yellow faces with various simplistic expressions on them, such as happy, sad, sick, or tired. The poster implies that all these feelings are separate and unique, but as Astrid grows up and experiences more complex relationships and events, she realizes that emotions are not always black and white. Astrid also realizes that nobody has ever taught her how to deal with emotions this complex, which is largely what led to her angry outbursts.

“You’re probably scared, and nervous, and just about ready to pee your pants. But don’t run from your fear. Embrace it! Because believe me, the best things in life are worth fighting for.”

Astrid receives a note from Rainbow Bite congratulating her on playing the half-time bout for their big game coming up. Astrid is impacted most by Rainbow Bite’s words of encouragement because they show that Rainbow Bite was once in Astrid’s shoes and took the time and effort to become star jammer. Astrid has been learning to embrace her fears ever since Nicole chose dance camp over roller derby camp, and her courage grows each time she feels the success of her persistence.

“Sitting in a quiet library for four hours at a time give you a lot of time to think. Much like a purgatory. Or jail.”

After Astrid’s mother finds out Astrid has been secretly skating home from camp every day rather than getting a ride from Nicole, she makes Astrid come with her to work at the college library after camp every day instead. Astrid is growing wiser and decides to use this time to think about everything she has done to cause distance between her and her friends. Astrid realizes she never took interest in Nicole’s passions, and she does not want to make the same mistake with Zoey. She decides to read a book about Broadway since that is what Zoey likes and creates a plan to surprise Zoey at the bout.

“I wasn’t sure I should do this at all. But I kept thinking about Rainbow Bite’s note. I could keep running from my battles and live in fear…or I could embrace the fear.”

Astrid asks her mother to take her to Nicole and Rachel’s dance studio to try and make amends with them. She gives the girls two tickets to the roller derby game to watch her skate. Nicole is appreciative and says she will come, but Rachel is not interested in a truce. This act is significant for Astrid because it illustrates her newfound willingness to embrace her fears and do what needs to be done to solve the issues in her life.

“So much had changed over the summer. I didn’t feel like one of those planets anymore, moving in orbit with Nicole and Mom by my side. But maybe I wasn’t a lone golf ball, either.”

Astrid wakes up on the day of the bout extremely nervous. She once again stares up at the solar system on her ceiling to gain some insight. Astrid realizes she has grown immensely over the summer, becoming less selfish, learning to control her anger, and facing her fears with roller derby. Astrid has begun to let go of Nicole and focus more on herself and her new friendship with Zoey. As she stares up at her ceiling, Astrid is inspired to create her new roller derby name, Asteroid, because she is no longer a planet revolving with other planets, nor is she a lone golf ball.

“This was me. ASTEROID. Burning a fiery path through time and space.”

Astrid is confident and proud to be who she is by the end of the summer. She has seen herself grow and change into a fiery, fearless person who is ready for the next challenge that comes her way. She gives herself the derby name Asteroid and decorates her helmet with stars and a flaming asteroid. She puts on her uniform and vampire makeup. On a splash page, Astrid emerges from her bedroom, hands on her hips and proud smile on her face, ready for her first bout.

“It was hands down one of the best moments of my life…so far.”

Astrid and Zoey hold hands as they skate out onto the roller rink together for their first bout. The crowd is cheering and taking pictures, and the girls are smiling proudly as the announcer calls out their team’s name. Astrid is proud of herself and her new friend for making it this far and for being brave enough to carry it through. She also looks forward to the future with a newfound sense of optimism, knowing there will be many more great moments to come.

“Maybe you’re wondering…how does it feel to fall on your butt in front of 500 people? Answer: Surprisingly…Not that bad!”

At the beginning of summer and roller derby camp, Astrid fell constantly as she tried to learn how to skate, hit, and block. During those early weeks, Astrid felt mortified and embarrassed, having expected to be much better right away. By summer’s end, Astrid falls on the rink in front of the crowd at the bout, but she is no longer embarrassed or lacking in confidence. Instead, she realizes it is no big deal, gets up, and carries on.

“I saw your flyer every day in the store, and I had to see what all this roller skating was about! Besides, I thought you’d be a good role model for Emmy here.”

When the summer began, Astrid looked at Rainbow Bite and saw her as a role model. She wanted to be just like her. While that has not changed, Astrid has grown over the summer, both as a person and as a roller girl. She plays her first bout and takes many hits for her team, and after the game is over, she finds that people want her autograph. Astrid is now the role model for girls much younger than herself and finds herself in a new position to help empower other girls as a result.