The Monkey Wrench Gang

Dr. Sarvis, a bald man with a "savage visage" (9) is out "night-riding" (9) with his driver, Bonnie Abzug, a much younger woman. In a routine activity Dr. Sarvis considers a "hobby" (9), he approaches a billboard on the side of U.S. highway 66 and proceeds to set it on fire. The billboard Dr. Sarvis burns welcomes people to Albuquerque, New Mexico, the "hub of the Land of Enchantment" (9).

The only vehicle that stops is the Highway Patrol, which arrives "promptly fifteen minutes late" (10) and uses "limp gushes of liquid sodium hydrochloride" (10) to put out the fire. As the Highway Patrol attempts to stop the fire, Dr. Sarvis slinks down the "crumbly bank of the roadside" (10) to his car, where Bonnie waits in the drivers' seat. She asks Dr. Sarvis what's next and he says they’ll "work the west side" (11). Dr. Sarvis throws his cigar butt out the car window and lights another.

They make their way through downtown Albuquerque, where twenty-story buildings look like "blocks of radium under the illuminated smog" (11). Dr. Sarvis tells Bonnie, whom he calls "Abzug" (11), that he loves her. Bonnie says that she knows. Dr. Sarvis tells Bonnie to stop the car when they come to a "long low bridge" (11) spanning the Rio Grande. Dr. Sarvis calls it his river but Bonnie calls it "our river" (12). Bonnie says they should "take that river trip" (12) soon. Dr. Sarvis quiets Bonnie and imagines he can hear the Rio Grande "mumbling" (12) a message of welcome to him. Dr. Sarvis tells Bonnie to keep driving because the river "aggravates" (12) his melancholy. Bonnie consoles him, telling him not to "think about all that anymore" (12).

Dr. Sarvis reflects on how Bonnie loves him "not much, perhaps, but enough" (12). He thinks that Bonnie's voice might "rasp on the nerves at times" (12) but her "urban tones" (12) can be mellowed by "kisses or candy or con" (12). Dr. Sarvis thinks that his mother loves him though she has "no choice" (13), and also that his wife loved him "more than he deserved" (13). Dr. Sarvis has few close friends, mostly a few nice patients who "didn't always pay their bills" (13) and poker and drinking buddies. Dr. Sarvis feels "proud and grateful" (13) to have "a nurse and buddy" (13) like Bonnie Abzug.

As the Doctor and Bonnie reach the Westside, they decide on their next target. They consider billboards for the Marines, truckers, the John Birch Society, and one that reads simply, "Have a nice day, we're all in this together" (14). They decide on an advertisement for Wonder Bread. Bonnie pulls over and Dr. Sarvis removes a gas can from his car's trunk, which also contains golf clubs, a spare tire, a chain saw, and an empty gas can.

George Washington Hayduke, a former Green Beret, returns to Arizona after spending two years in Vietnam and one year as a prisoner of the Vietcong. Hayduke hopes that the Southwest will be unchanged since he left but finds "it no longer what he remembered" (16). After arriving in Tucson, where Hayduke grew up, he finds "a circle of Titan ICBM bases" (16) and bulldozers scraping the desert "bare of all vegetation" (16). Hayduke also notices air pollution from the nearby factories. These changes enrage Hayduke.

Hayduke stays in Tucson for a month then leaves to chase a girl in California. When she doesn't want to be with him, Hayduke returns to Arizona, intent on seeing "Lee's Ferry, the Colorado River, the Grand Canyon" (17). Driving a junky car, Hayduke lets the desert ease his "vague anger" (17). Hayduke drinks as he drives, measuring driving distances in the number of six-packs he can consume while driving. Drunk, Hayduke nears Flagstaff and remembers "a Flagstaff cop he had always meant to get" (19). The police officer, Hall, whose name Hayduke remembers from the officer's badge, had made an "unjust arrest" (19) of Hayduke years ago. Realizing he has nothing else to do, Hayduke decides he'll take his revenge tonight.

Using a phone book at a gas station, Hayduke finds the officer's address. Hayduke eats dinner then drives over to Hayduke's house at twilight. Waiting for dark, Hayduke takes stock of "the weapons in his possession" (19): knives, a "VC steel crossbow" (19) fashioned from helicopter blades, and multiple firearms. Weighing his options, Hayduke decides against killing the officer, as he feels the punishment should fit the crime. The crime in Hayduke's estimation is "injustice" (20).

Hayduke recounts his arrest by Hall. It had been for "public drunkenness" (20) which, in Hayduke's estimation, constituted "false arrest" (20). Hayduke claims that he wasn't drunk but had been simply watching Officer Hall and another officer "interrogate a passing Indian" (20). Hayduke's watching made Hall nervous and Hall approached Hayduke, "demanding instant identification" (20). Hayduke begrudgingly complied, noticing not only Hall's hand on his gun but the second officer's shotgun. Hall grabbed Hayduke by the neck, threw him against the police car and frisked him. Hall and the other officer then took Hayduke to the "city drunk tank" (21), where Hayduke spent the next twelve hours, "the one white man in a groaning chorus of sick Navajos" (21).

Based on this memory, Hayduke decides he wants to ruin Hall's evening, rather than cause "drastic or irreparable" (21) damage. Hayduke wonders if he should identify himself but feels Hall won't remember him. Hall arrives at his home in his patrol car then leaves the motor running as he heads into his house. Hayduke watches Hall in the kitchen with his wife then decides to steal the patrol car.

As he drives, Hayduke contemplates what "not to do tonight" (22), including crashing the car into city hall. Hayduke passes another patrol car and waves. Over the car's transmitter radio, a voice says: "All units, 10-99. Car Twelve, 10-35, 10-35" (22). Hayduke recognizes the voice as Hall's "Irish cool" (22). Hayduke keeps driving as he listens to the other officers attempt to find out who's driving Hall's car. Finally, Hayduke picks up the radio's microphone and says he's "just having a little fun in your little two-bit town" (23). As another officer announces they have "subject under visual" (23), Hayduke calls them "bullet-headed motherfuckers" (23) and regrets he can't hear himself as he speaks. He wonders if maybe he will hear these conversations recorded, later, "in an Arizona courtroom" (24).

Hayduke comes to a railroad crossing as a train approaches. Behind Hayduke, he sees "blue flasher lights racing towards him" (24). Hayduke decides to leave the car on the railroad tracks but before he does, he grabs "a shotgun, a riot helmet and a six-batteried flashlight" (24). Hayduke runs from the car, watching the train grind to a halt but not before hitting the patrol car and flipping it once. Hayduke runs away from the chaos, reaching "the safety of his jeep" (25) and driving out of the city.

Hayduke sleeps "out in the piney woods near Sunset Crater" (25), tucked into his sleeping bag. He rises at dawn, drinks coffee he makes on "his tiny Primus stove" (25), then hits the road. He stops at "the Sacred Mountain Trading Post" (25) for gas then drives on into the Painted Desert. As he drives, Hayduke drinks his six-pack of Schlitz and regards the "goddamned Indians" (26) he passes. As he nears the Grand Canyon, Hayduke notices many cars on the road with him, which annoys him.

As Hayduke reaches the Vermilion Cliffs and sees the Colorado River, he finds "the heartland of his heart, spread out before" (28) him. He drives out onto the bridge, high above the Colorado River. Hayduke stops his jeep on the middle of the bridge, though he's not supposed to, and pisses over its railing. Hayduke begins to feel at peace, noticing the bats and nearby heron. Leaving his fly open and his jeep on the bridge, Hayduke walks to "a knoll on the canyon rim" (29), grabs a handful of sand and eats it. He then stands on a nearby rock, raises his arms to the sky and emits a "wild archaic howl" (29).

On the same day George Hayduke makes his way up to Lee's Ferry, Joseph Fielding Smith, a lapsed Mormon but current polygamist, drives south from Cedar City, Utah towards Lee's Ferry. Given the name "Seldom Seen Smith" (30) by his wives, Smith plans to lead a "float trip through the Grand Canyon" (30) later that day. Smith stops at a warehouse in Kanab, Utah to pick up gear, supplies, and a young woman who will serve as a shuttle driver from Lee's Ferry to Lake Mead, where the float trip will end.

As Smith and his companion drive through the Utah desert and into Arizona, they pass Glen Canyon City, a "ramshackle assemblage of tarpaper shacks and cinder-block containers" (31). A sign on the city's only store claims a "Fourty [sic] Million $Dollar [sic] Power Plant" (31) will be built there in the future.

Further on, Smith and the girl pass Lake Powell, a man-made reservoir that Smith calls "the blue death" (32). Lake Powell, created by the construction of the Glen Canyon Dam and used to provide water to the southwest and Southern California, covers over multiple canyons and land formations that Smith remembers and misses. As Smith parks his truck at the Senator Carl Hayden Memorial Building beside the Glen Canyon Dam, Smith's companion comments that the dam is "too big" (33). Smith agrees and says, "that's why" (33). The girl, understanding that Smith's comment means he has plans for the dam's destruction, tells him that he can't. Smith tells her that "there's a way" (33) and as she continues to ask him about his plans, Smith asks the girl who she's "workin' for" (33).

The girl tells Smith that they could pray for the dam to go away. Smith, mocking her, says that's the "one thing [he] ain't tried" (33). Smith drops to his knees and appears to begin praying. A park ranger approaches Smith and the girl tells him he's "making a public spectacle" (33). Smith whispers for the girl to pretend she doesn't know him and continues praying, aloud this time. He lists out the wildlife and natural formations that the dam's creation destroyed and asks God to send "a little old pre-cision-type earthquake right under this dam" (34). Smith gets up off his knees as the park ranger approaches and tells him he can't pray in a public place. The ranger says if he wants to pray, he can visit one of the "thirteen churches in Page" (34), the nearby town.

Smith and his passenger drive down into Page to eat lunch and shop for their float trip. Smith pays for the two-weeks' worth of food for himself, the boatman, and four people in "warm soiled cash" (36). He doesn't use banks. Smith has served as a "professional guide" (35) and "back-country businessman" (35) for years, taking tour groups on excursions in and around the Colorado River. Though he doesn’t make much money to support his three separate families, Smith is relatively happy. He only fears the destruction of his "livelihood" (35), such as the submergence of his hometown of Hite, Utah by Lake Powell years before.

After getting the groceries, Smith and the girl continue to Lee's Ferry. They arrive and observe the riverside campground which has been "obliterated by a gravel quarry" (36). The girl asks Smith what happens if his prayer is answered and an earthquake destroys the dam. She wonders what will happen to all the people who live below it. Smith says the water would take an hour to get there, so he'd be sure to "warn 'em by telephone" (37). Smith says he's not "responsible for an act of God" (37), even if it is his prayer that God answers.

Suddenly Smith holds up a finger and tells the girl to listen. She says she might hear a coyote but Smith says it's a wolf. The girl says she's never "heard of wolves around here before" (37) but Smith tells her it's "one of them two-legged type wolves" (38). The girl asks if Smith means a human and he says "more or less" (38).

They continue on past the ranger station, down to the launching ramp on the Colorado River. The girl helps Smith unload the three inflatable boats and Smith uses his truck to inflate them. They tie the boats to a willow tree and decide to make dinner before dark. Thinking he sees something "moving on a distant promontory above the gorge" (38), Smith takes out his field glasses and spots a blue jeep and a figure moving. The figure, "short and hairy and broad and naked" (38) is George Hayduke. Smith sees that Hayduke also has his field glasses out and is staring directly at him. Smith waves one hand; Hayduke raises his beer in salute.

The girl asks Smith what he sees and Smith tells her it's "some kind of skinned tourist" (39). The girl looks at him through the field glasses and says he looks familiar. Smith replies that "all naked men look familiar" (39). He and the girl sit down on ammo boxes to eat their dinner. They make their camp on the stream of a Colorado tributary, the Paria, and listen to motorists and boats passing. As Smith goes to the bushes to pee, he thinks about the day ahead. In the morning, he and the boatman will lead two passengers, "Dr. Alexander K. Sarvis, M.D." (39) and "B. Abbzug" (39) down the Colorado.

Bonnie Abbzug, a 28-year-old woman from the Bronx, found herself in the Southwest seven years ago while traveling with her college dance troupe. She fell in love with it straight away and left her troupe to resume college there. Before ending up with Dr. Sarvis, Bonnie worked multiple dead-end jobs. After Sarvis' wife died, Bonnie and Dr. Sarvis begin an intimate relationship, though she declines his offers of marriage.

Bonnie, retaining her "female bachelorhood" (41), lives in a geodesic dome in Albuquerque. She's strung the dome's interior with "silvery mobiles" (41) and "crystalline clusters of mirrors" (41) that fill her room with "a general glow" (41) on sunny days. Dr. Sarvis despises geodesic domes, regarding them as "symptom and symbol of the Plastic Plague" (42) though he doesn't allow this hatred to cloud his relationship with Bonnie.

Bonnie likes the looseness of her relationship with Dr. Sarvis. She regards other men as "obscene idiots" (42) and though Dr. Sarvis is "an aging adolescent" (42) he is good to Bonnie. Despite this enjoyment, Bonnie wonders if she's fulfilled by being no more than an "office flunky and lonely widower's part-time mistress" (42). Bonnie doesn't feel any "maternal instinct" (43) beyond her "role as mother to the doctor" (43).

Tired of fire and staying in the car on their nightly billboard destructions, Bonnie learns to "swing an ax and notch the upright posts" (44) of the billboard so it will fall the direction they want. The "Special Investigation Squad of the Bernalillo County sheriff's department" (44) have no idea who's behind the billboard vandalism. The local newspapers begin to cover the vandalism, ushering in a string of "anonymous letters" (44) in which people claim responsibility. Bonnie and Doc Sarvis, though, continue to operate in secrecy.

One night, they choose a billboard advertising a new housing development. Doc Sarvis begins using his small chainsaw on the billboard's posts and Bonnie tells him to stop. Sarvis realizes that the posts are steel. Bonnie says she wants an "acetylene torch" (46) and "safety goggles" (46) for her birthday tomorrow. Sarvis says it's not her birthday but they come back the next night with the torch and glasses. It takes time and the torch's light seems "much too bold" (47) but with effort, they topple the billboard.

Later, at the "revolving Skyroom Grill" (48), Bonnie and Sarvis celebrate. Again, Sarvis asks Bonnie to marry him and again she turns him down. They return to Sarvis' house and he berates Bonnie for putting on rock music, saying it "kills geraniums" (50). Bonnie and Doc Sarvis have sex for a while and after, while they're resting, Sarvis says they should take their river trip. Bonnie says he's been "promising that for months" (50). Sarvis says this time he means it.

While Bonnie reflects on her time spent alone, exploring the surrounding area on foot and by bicycle, Sarvis keeps "muttering about the river" (51). He launches into complaints about the "biggest strip mine" (51) and other land exploitations. Finally, Bonnie tells Sarvis not to panic, then says she's bored. Sarvis says they should take the river trip, where "handsome hairy sweaty boatmen" (52) will wait on Bonnie "hand and mouth" (52). Bonnie asks what they're waiting for.