The Sound of Gravel: A Memoir

Ruth’s mother and the mother of nine other children, Kathy Wariner married into polygamy, becoming Joel LeBaron’s wife at age 17. When he died after Ruth was born, Kathy married Lane and resigned the family to more than a decade of abuse and neglect. Throughout her memoir, Ruth describes how Kathy was her main focus. She constantly observed her mother’s emotional state and tried to decipher the inner workings of her mother’s mind. The book consistently depicts Kathy as frantic, worried, and exhausted, unable to keep up with the life she laid out for herself. She was always devoted to the polygamist ideology and hoped that by remaining true to those beliefs, she would serve a higher purpose. Kathy’s father initially believed in it as well, but her mother never did, and Kathy drifted away from her parents when they left the colony for California.

Kathy’s life was defined by the daily tasks of being a mother, and all she ever seemed to do was take care of her children. When Kathy acted in her own interest, it was in regard to her relationship with Lane. It took Ruth years to forgive Kathy for continuing to stay with Lane despite his abusive nature. Kathy often excused Lane’s behavior and always hoped he would do better, but he never changed. Although Kathy had little and made poor decisions regarding parenting, she was a devoted mother, and Ruth remained grateful for this. Ruth was like her mother in many ways but refused to submit to a life in which she was not respected or appreciated. She describes her mother as “a woman who wanted a life of meaning, a life lived in service and devotion to something bigger than herself” (336). Kathy died while trying to save her already deceased son Micah when she was electrocuted by the same wire that killed him and another boy; she was buried the following day. Ruth misses her mother but sees part of her in each one of her siblings. Ruth hopes that her keeping them all alive and well after Kathy was gone would have made Kathy proud.

Ruth had a total of nine siblings. Three were full siblings, with whom she shared both parents (Kathy and Joel), and the rest were half-siblings, with whom she shared a mother (Kathy), and whose father was Lane. Ruth’s eldest sibling, Audrey, had a developmental disability that reduced her verbal capacity and caused her to spend most of her time rocking and staring into space. She occasionally become violently enraged, endangering her siblings. The younger siblings were often tasked with taking care of Audrey despite her being much larger and older than them. Audrey was eventually hospitalized when Kathy determined she could no longer take care of her. Matt, the oldest son, felt a responsibility to act as the man of the house. Lane’s presence was never consistent, and Matt took it upon himself to corral and help raise his siblings. Luke, like Audrey, had a developmental disability, though it was less severe than hers, and he often wandered off without warning. Ruth took comfort in Luke’s consistency in her chaotic life, however: “Strangely, his stagnant mental development became a source of comforting constancy” (180).

Ruth was tasked with caring for her younger siblings for years, and acted as a second mother in many ways. She had to feed and watch over Meri, whose disability was so severe that she could not move or even hold up her head. Meri died as a baby, and Ruth mourned the loss deeply, particularly for her mother, who sacrificed a great deal for Meri. Micah died in a violent and unexpected way, thematically showcasing the true extent of the consequences of childhood neglect. The accident led to Kathy’s death, and Ruth and her other siblings had to find a way to start over. Looking back on her life, Ruth knows that it was filled with servitude and sacrifices for her family but is grateful for each of them: “My siblings gave my life purpose, they were the bridge from pain to healing, from past to future. They are as much the authors of my survival as I am of theirs” (334). Even though Ruth often questioned her mother’s decision to keep having children while living in poverty, she never questioned her love for her siblings.

Kathy’s second husband, Lane, was an abusive man who took four wives and neglected each one. He sexually abused many of his stepchildren for years and, when confronted, always brushed it off as nothing. In the early days, Lane was full of broken promises, always claiming he was going to fix the house, install running water, and other things that took years to accomplish if he did them at all. He violently abused Audrey one night when she refused to eat, and his power over Kathy ensured that she rarely spoke against him. When Lane violently beat Kathy in front of her children for complaining about something he had done, she took the children and left, but he soon manipulated his way back into her life. Lane never developed a relationship with his children beyond the abuse he perpetrated against them, and Ruth never felt anything but loathing toward Lane: “He was not my father. He slipped in and out of our lives without warning, bringing disruption and terror with him every time” (107). In addition, Lane was responsible for the wiring mishap that led to Micah, Junior, and Kathy’s deaths, but just like his reaction to allegations of abuse, he denied any culpability and played it off as an unfortunate accident. Lane regularly put the family in danger in other ways too, involving them in crime, sending the children out to sell pine nuts on their own, and forcing them to live in the middle of nowhere. Lane exemplifies how fundamentalism can lead to abuses of power and the ways that women who have low self-worth can fall prey to men who only want to use them and reinforce their lack of self-worth.

Ruth’s grandma and grandpa (Kathy’s parents) are pivotal figures in her memoir because they oppose Kathy’s views and provide a source of safety and security in a chaotic and dangerous life. Ruth and her family lived with her grandparents after Kathy left Lane when he violently attacked her. Even at a young age, Ruth could sense conflict between Kathy and her parents and questioned why they never came to visit in Mexico. Ruth’s grandpa was quiet and never quick to lay down harsh words, but her grandma was outspoken and unafraid to tell others when they were wrong. She explained that seeing Kathy in poverty and raising children in poverty was too much for them to bear, thematically foregrounding the consequences of childhood neglect. These consequences were too obvious and too severe, so Ruth’s grandparents distanced themselves from Kathy, and Ruth’s grandma openly criticized Joel, noting he took on too many families and could not care for them all.

In addition, Ruth’s grandparents were a source of clarity in explaining Kathy’s life choices and general disposition. Ruth’s grandma explained that Kathy “always got lost in the background and […] she just didn’t think she deserved any better than what those worthless old men gave to her, which wasn’t much” (99). As a result, Kathy settled for a man who not only was barely there but also abused her and her children. When Ruth’s grandpa died, her grandma did not call Kathy or anyone else in the family to tell them, which devastated Kathy. Soon after this, Kathy died, and though her own mother attended the funeral, she clearly felt out of place and angry throughout. Ruth admired her grandma’s continued willingness to take them in despite the conflicts with her daughter and their differing views. Ruth’s grandma firmly opposed religious fundamentalism, thematically emphasizing The Flaws and Dangers of Fundamentalism, and saw polygamy only as a means to use women and multiply.