The Sound of Gravel: A Memoir

The next Monday was Ruth’s first day at her new school, which was right across the street from her home. Unlike her previous walk to school, she did not have to avoid passing cars on the highway, and everything around her seemed new. The school itself was massive from Ruth’s perspective, and her teacher was kind. When the school year ended, Ruth’s mother was told that it would be best for Ruth to repeat the first grade, which was fine with Ruth, who loved her teacher and the idea of her life staying the same for a while. When she and her mother returned home, Audrey was running down the street, with no shirt, and Matt was chasing after her. Kathy and Matt cornered Audrey and after a massive struggle, managed to put a shirt on her. At this point, Audrey’s body had begun to develop, and the sight was something new and unusual to Ruth. Some boys across the street watched and laughed, and when Matt saw them, he ran into the house, embarrassed and ashamed. Ruth dreaded her summer at home but felt that this was only part of the reason why.

Kathy was finally ahead in her finances and able to afford her own apartment for her family. They even got their first television set, which the kids watched for hours. Meri was seven months old and still was not sitting up, and Kathy worried that something might have happened to her, like Audrey hurting her when no one was watching. Ruth had a rare moment of time alone with her mother when they went to a garage sale one Saturday, and Ruth felt courageous enough to ask her mother about the word “retarded.” Kathy gave a vague and indefinite response, which answered little, and focused more on whose mother was spreading rumors about her and her children. Kathy became irritated when Ruth asked about Meri and whether she would be okay; having no answers, Kathy could only hope.

Ruth started first grade for the second time in the fall. Despite her improved living situation, Ruth avoided going home whenever possible, since Audrey had gradually become more violent and difficult to reason with. Ruth often spent time at her grandparents’ house instead, and one day she asked them why they never came to visit in Mexico. Her grandmother’s response was long and complex, but her main point was that Kathy’s parents did not like seeing their daughter in such horrible living conditions. They did not approve of how Ruth’s father married more and more women but did not take care of them. In addition, they saw him as manipulative and Kathy as vulnerable because she had low self-worth and always seemed to get lost in the shuffle. Ruth’s grandmother never believed in polygamy but was loyal to her husband and followed him to the colony for a time. Ruth felt uncomfortable to hear that the way she had lived was so unbearable in her grandparents’ eyes, and she started to question that lifestyle more herself. That day, when she arrived home, Lane’s truck was in the driveway.

Ruth reluctantly entered her house. In her mother’s bedroom, Kathy and Lane were cuddling and giggling. She couldn’t understand why her mother was acting as though nothing had happened and they hadn’t run away from this man. Lane greeted Ruth casually, and Ruth quickly left the room, feeling uncomfortable. At dinner that night, Ruth was disgusted by the blue cheese dressing her mother chose for the salad and asked to be excused, but Lane told her she had to finish everything. Audrey, who was being fed intravenously at that point and otherwise refused to eat, stared blankly into space. Noticing this, Lane tried to tell her to eat, but she ignored him, rocking back and forth. Within moments, Lane went from talking to yelling at Audrey and then grabbed her hair and neck to try and force feed her. Kathy got up to help, shoving a fork into Audrey’s teeth over and over as the other children watched, flabbergasted. When Lane threatened to hit Audrey, she opened her mouth and swallowed one gulp without chewing before resuming her rocking. Lane only stayed for three days but, before leaving, told Ruth that she would have to stop going to her grandparents’ house and help out more at home. He also grabbed her and kissed her cheek, and Ruth felt the same discomfort she felt with Lane before. When she overheard her mother talking to her grandparents, she noticed that Kathy never mentioned Lane.

While Meri’s physical development seemed to not only flounder but worsen, Ruth and her mother found ways to feed Meri and keep her happy despite her disabilities. The same was not true for Audrey, whose mental state worsened after the incident with Lane. She began to hallucinate. During one of these hallucinations over dinner one night, Audrey attacked her mother violently. Kathy and Audrey fought for what seemed like forever, and Ruth noticed that both had the same look of exhaustion on their faces. Kathy finally overpowered Audrey by yelling in her face for whatever was possessing her (in Kathy’s view) to leave her. The following day, Kathy took Audrey to the hospital and returned alone, resigned to admitting that she could no longer take care of her daughter. Ruth empathized with her mother’s loss and feelings of futility, but was relieved that her sister was no longer living at home.

In Audrey’s absence, the house settled down, Ruth enjoyed second grade, and her brothers seemed to flourish too. Meri still needed care, including by doctors, and Lane continued to visit. When President Reagan was shot in 1981, Kathy was convinced that the US (which the colony’s people declared Babylon and doomed) was nearing its end and decided to move the family to El Paso so that they would be closer to the colony, with the intention of eventually moving back there. The children had no choice in the matter, but Kathy’s parents reacted with frustration and disappointment. Kathy’s mother became irate and yelled at her, calling her children “bastards” and telling her that God would never want men to produce so many children that they could not take care of them all. Frustrated that no one seemed to agree with her beliefs anymore, Kathy took her children and left.

When Kathy became pregnant again, the family moved to El Paso much sooner than expected. Lane pulled up in his truck to help move their belongings and insisted that Ruth sit right beside him, despite her protests. The goodbye with Grandma and Grandpa was brief and sad. In the truck, Lane rambled on about how corrupt the US had become and how American Mormons no longer followed the true word of Joseph Smith regarding polygamy. Ruth felt like she was leaving her home behind, and could tell that Matt felt the same way.

On the long but scenic drive, Ruth started thinking about her father. She asked her mother why he was killed and heard a more detailed explanation than she had ever been given before. Kathy explained that Ervil and Joel (Ruth’s father) were originally very close and worked together, but when Ervil started dressing better and bought a fancier car, people began to suspect that he was stealing money from the church. People were already living on very little at the time, and this only made things worse. Ervil soon convinced himself that he was the true prophet and that it was his right to order anyone killed. Many believed that Ervil ordered Joel killed, and Ervil was later found guilty of ordering the murder of several more polygamist leaders across the US and Mexico. The night Joel was murdered, Kathy was with him, as were Audrey, Luke, Matt, and Ruth (who was still a baby). They were led away from the scene while Joel was killed, and returned to find police and sirens. It occurred to Ruth then that her life began with her father’s murder. Kathy proclaimed how much she loved Joel and mused about how much she craved his attention, which made Ruth wonder about what was so important about the attention of men that her mother would seek it from Lane.

After driving for hours, the family pulled into El Paso, Texas. After seeing their trailer, which was burnt and charred on the inside and seemed impossible to live in, they settled in a small camper for two weeks while Lane fixed up the trailer, using money from Kathy’s parents. Ruth was shocked to find the trailer completely renewed and livable, almost as nice as their home in Strathmore, California. After two health inspections, the trailer was approved to live in, and Lane soon added a third bedroom. His generosity was about to turn into something else entirely, however.

One night while Ruth was half-awake in bed, Lane snuck into her room and began kissing and touching her all over her body. Ruth protested and told him to stop, but he didn’t listen until she threatened to tell her mom. Lane tried to coax secrecy out of Ruth by offering her ice cream, but at eight years old she knew better and agreed only to get him to leave. The next day, Ruth told her mother what happened and was very clear about it. Kathy initially reacted with shock and doubt and did not comfort her daughter at all; she did talk to Lane, who admitted to what he did and made an empty apology to Ruth the following day. Ruth began to doubt whether she was justifiably upset or was making a big deal out of nothing.