The Sound of Gravel: A Memoir

Shortly after a neighbor called, noticing that the children had been alone for days, two social workers showed up. They inspected the trailer, which was filthy and chaotic, and were even more worried when the children admitted that they had no idea when their mother would be back. They managed to get ahold of Gary, Lane’s brother, to watch the kids but put Kathy under a two-year probation, telling her that she must stay in El Paso and could never leave the kids alone. Ruth found relief in the prospect of finally staying in one place for longer than a year.

On the news one day, the family heard that Uncle Ervil had died of a heart attack in prison, and Kathy was distraught to know that he didn’t suffer longer. At Christmas, the family drove to California to visit Kathy’s parents and Audrey in the hospital. Ruth noticed that Audrey was heavily medicated and unresponsive but seemed to recognize her family. When they returned to El Paso, Kathy and Lane left almost immediately again when Kathy went into labor. She gave birth to their next child, Micah. Lane’s first wife, Alejandra, and seven of her children came to stay in the trailer while Kathy was gone, which gave Ruth a chance to talk to Maria, Alejandra’s daughter. Maria was certain that she wanted to be a fashion designer when she grew up, and Ruth realized that she had never thought about her future outside of marriage and children because she was unaware that she could. When Kathy returned with baby Micah, Aaron was especially thrilled, but everyone was grateful for their new sibling, who appeared perfectly healthy. When they noticed that Luke had wandered off into the town (which he did regularly at that point), Matt and Ruth were sent out to find him. Looking back, Ruth realizes that Luke’s mind seemed to stop developing after a certain point but that this was comforting in the sense that it was one thing that remained unchanged.

A year later, Kathy was pregnant again, and Lane continued sneaking into Ruth’s room to molest her at night. Ruth felt trapped, believing Lane’s warnings that telling Kathy would only upset her. When Kathy found out that Lane had taken a fourth wife (who was 10 years older than him) without telling her or any of his other wives, she took the children and drove down to LeBaron. They arrived back in their old, dilapidated house, which finally had a showerhead, albeit one with a dangerous electrical current running through it. As usual, Lane acted as though nothing was wrong, and he and Kathy argued long into the night.

Ruth started to get closer with some of her half-sisters and stepsisters, particularly Sally, Cynthia, and Maria. She spent the night at Sally and Cynthia’s house, and the next day she learned that Meri had died suddenly. At home, her siblings and mother were distraught, and Meri’s body was still lying on the couch. She approached her deceased sister, touching her to confirm that she was gone, and told herself that she loved her sister even though it was hard to take care of her sometimes. At the small funeral, Kathy said a prayer, thanking Meri for teaching them all the meaning of “unconditional love and generosity” (194). Ruth cried as she listened to the sound of the dirt hitting her sister’s coffin.

Two months later, the family returned to El Paso, and Ruth felt a hole in her life where taking care of Meri used to be. Kathy gave birth to her next child, Elena, who was healthy, and Ruth spent more time taking care of Micah. The social services workers kept checking in on the family but eventually found that there was no longer a reason for concern and stopped visiting after Kathy lied and said she was pregnant by one of several possible men. Ruth observed her mother lying often and it always made her feel as though she couldn’t trust anything else her mother said either. Soon after this, Kathy decided to move the family back to LeBaron, but they moved back to Texas almost as quickly because Lane was in the midst of several construction projects and had all his families living and working there. In addition, he convinced Kathy that it would be safe to take Mexican workers across the border, stowed away inside the camper. Ruth remembered her mother’s promise that she would keep them safe from now on, and knew it meant nothing.

The whole family rode in the same camper that the workers were stowed in. Along the way, they hit a large white horse, killing it. It took several men to haul it off the road. They eventually made it through the border undetected, and the next day they drove to Albuquerque to live near the other sister wives.

Lane instructed Ruth and Maria to start collecting and selling pine nuts at the local grocery store, which was not an easy or enjoyable task but allowed them to pocket some spending money without Lane noticing. They often used it to treat themselves to fast food. Some days, time drifted slowly, and Maria and Ruth talked about their families. Maria was developing and often complained about the attention men gave her. Ruth was developing too and wondered if Lane abused Maria like he had done to her. When Maria mentioned wanting to run away, Ruth thought it might be because of Lane, but Maria said it was because she didn’t want the same difficult and depressing life that her mother had. She and Ruth both noted that their mothers always seemed unhappy and cried often. Ruth then asked Maria if Lane ever abused her. She answered that he had not, and Ruth started to wonder why Lane singled her out. She decided then that she would find a way to run away, just like Maria.

During the next two months, the girls sold pine nuts and gave most of the money to Lane, secretly saving a little for themselves. Lane continued to abuse Ruth regularly, and she began to hate looking at herself, even with clothes on. She saw the welts on her body and felt emotional scars forming as well. At the same time, Ruth started to blame herself and her own body, believing that Lane was only abusing her. She began thinking about self-harm and asked her mother what happened to women who never married. Kathy told her she would to go her father’s kingdom, but Ruth worried she would somehow get stuck in Lane’s, or in hell. While Ruth was hanging out with Sally and Cynthia one day, Lane approached, and the other girls sensed that Ruth was uncomfortable. She asked them if Lane ever kissed them, and within moments, both Sally and Cynthia were crying. Together, the girls decided they had to tell their parents, hoping that with three voices they would finally be heard. Instead, their mothers reacted with doubt and questioning, and Kathy once again excused Lane’s behavior, believing he could repent and be better. Ruth felt utterly betrayed by her mother and realized, finally and fully, that Kathy put Lane before her children.