The Sound of Gravel: A Memoir

Childhood neglect is a significant issue in polygamist communities because mothers have several children and are often left to raise them without enough support from the father or the community itself. In LeBaron as Kathy knew it, the families were tied to one another, but rather than working together to help one another thrive, they often competed out of jealousy instead. Parents had as many children as possible in an effort to fulfill their religious obligations and, in doing so, left their children vulnerable to neglect, abuse, and a strikingly low quality of life.

The people of LeBaron saw the US as a modern Babylon that was likely to fall and be punished for its sins, but their view was hypocritical in that they did not care well for their own. Ruth’s grandma pointed this out, stating plainly, “There’s no way that it’s God’s will to have one man bring so many kids into the world that he can’t take care of, Kathy” (121). Kathy made every effort to keep American culture out of her home and away from her children but did little to fulfill their basic needs such as healthcare, nutrition, and safety. Throughout their lives, the children were repeatedly shuffled from home to home and between the US and Mexico. Their living situation was often so poor that they did not have electricity or running water, and when they did, it posed a danger or didn’t function well. Kathy was always stretched thin, both financially and emotionally, and their house was cold, dark, and infested with rodents. Ruth and Matt were expected to help raise their siblings, including Audrey, who was older and bigger than them, and to look after Luke, who was at times unpredictable and known to wander off. The children considered tortillas a luxury food, usually eating beans, and Kathy’s mother speculated that three of the children had disabilities because of malnutrition during Kathy’s pregnancies.

Through it all, Kathy continued to bear more children, hoping it would all somehow work out. She also expected her children to accept their plight and to endure it with dignity and gratitude. Ruth resolved not to allow herself to treat her siblings the same way, believing that it was unnecessary to toughen children through suffering: “As I pulled the covers up and let Micah settle in next to me, I heard Mom’s voice in my ears: Children need to get used to being in the dark. She’d repeated that countless times throughout my childhood. No, I thought, they don’t” (251). The most severe and disturbing consequence of Kathy and Lane’s neglect occurred when Micah and Junior were electrocuted when trying to climb over a fence. Not only were they unsupervised, but Lane had improperly installed wiring. Neither parent seemed to really care about the welfare of their children as individuals, instead maintaining the attitude that they could always just have more children. Ruth’s grandmother was especially affected by the loss, having feared it for years: “It was as if all the big and small stupidities […], all the injustices […] against innocent children, all the starvation and suffering and now death—all of it was boiling over in [grandma’s] head. But she held her tongue” (308). When Ruth and her siblings finally left California, life remained difficult for a long time, but they were never without water or electricity again.

Familial love is a complex dynamic and a part of life that defines people through positive or joyful experiences as well as negative or painful ones. The unconditional love of a family demands great sacrifice, time, patience, and understanding, all of which Ruth exhibited from a very young age. Although Kathy was always stretched thin and expected too much of her neglected children, she too showed deep patience and understanding, rarely yelling at her children or punishing them. In LeBaron, Ruth and her siblings endured poverty, abuse, isolation, and neglect, and despite it all, Ruth continued to love her mother. While she went through a period of anger and feelings of betrayal and frustration toward Kathy, she came to understand that Kathy was trapped and could not break herself of religious dogma. It was challenging for Ruth to grow up wiser than her mother, watching Kathy constantly make decisions that harmed both herself and her family. Despite her mother’s choices, however, Ruth always felt obligated to her mother and did whatever she could to support her.

Sadly, Kathy seemed to feel more obligated to her husband than to her children, always prioritizing Lane’s needs. Ruth notes that Kathy sacrificed her children’s safety and happiness for Lane throughout her childhood. Kathy consistently went back to Lane, excusing his behavior, and this decision caused her children immeasurable pain. Nevertheless, Kathy was a hardworking mother and expressed gratitude for her children and the gifts they gave her. Ruth notes that when Meri died, Kathy held her up as an example of true familial love: “She told the crowd that God had sent Meri to our family as a gift to teach us unconditional love and generosity, even as we struggled to take care of the little girl who, in her few short years on earth, never learned to take care of herself” (194). As Ruth matured, she realized that her mother was flawed and that she would have to find out what it means to be respected and desired on her own.

In one of the memoir’s most haunting moments, Ruth recalls how Kathy appeared over her bed while she was sleeping to apologize for always taking her daughter for granted. The moment was heartwarming and presented itself initially as a resolution to the tension between Kathy and Ruth, but Kathy ended it by again excusing Lane. It was as though Kathy could never truly give her children what they needed from her, even in their darkest moments. Not long after this, Kathy died, and Ruth’s sacrifices for her family suddenly multiplied. She helped raise her younger siblings in the US, and credits them for her own survival into adulthood: “My siblings gave my life purpose, they were the bridge from pain to healing, from past to future. They are as much the authors of my survival as I am of theirs” (334).