The Swifts: A Dictionary of Scoundrels

For centuries, Swifts have been named by choosing a word at random from the family dictionary. Weeks ago, Felicity destroyed a catapult that Shenanigan built, and Shenanigan retaliates by putting moths among Felicity’s cherished clothes. Felicity is distraught because the moths eat some garments that took her weeks to sew. Aunts Inheritance and Schadenfreude see Shenanigan’s misbehavior as an inevitability: “She wouldn’t be called Shenanigan if it wasn’t who she’s meant to be” (18). Because Felicity’s name is relatively ordinary, Schadenfreude believes that the eldest sister is destined for a dull and average life.

Swift House was built in 1602 and has fallen into a state of disrepair due to the dwindling of the family’s fortunes. The manor was constructed by Mazzard Swift. After his death, his two sons, Gramercy and Vile, were at odds because Gramercy’s philanthropic efforts seemed like a waste of money to the greedy Vile. When Gramercy was found dead with an axe in his back, Vile was known to be the murderer, but he still received his brother’s portion of the inheritance. Vile’s paranoia and wealth grew, and he cloistered himself in the manor with a hidden trove of silver, gold, and gems. After his death, his sister, Cantrip, inherited the house. She became the first matriarch in the family and invited all her relatives to look for the fortune during the first Swift family reunion, but “no trace of Vile’s Hoard has ever been found” (26).

Shenanigan is determined to find the treasure before a visiting relative does. For the past year, she has searched for the Hoard and compiled a map of the manor’s hidden passageways. On the day of Aunt Inheritance’s arrival, the girl locates a hidden room behind an enormous oil painting in a corridor but is unable to go inside.

A woman called Cook ran away from Buckingham Palace when she was young and has lived at Swift House for 20 years. She is part of the family even though she wasn’t born a Swift, but Aunt Inheritance mistakenly insists on treating Cook like an employee. Inheritance tries to impress the importance of the reunion and preserving family traditions onto Shenanigan and her sisters, but Shenanigan points out that not all their ancestors’ actions were honorable. Inheritance insists that Swifts are special and blessed because their names reveal their destinies.

Cook tries to cheer the girls up by showing them a package from their parents, who are working at a temple in Peru, “reconstructing dead languages with their university” (37). The sisters haven’t seen their parents in over a year, and they won’t be attending the reunion. The letter is accompanied by gifts, including a machete for Shenanigan and French fashion magazines for Felicity.

After dinner, Shenanigan visits Phenomena’s laboratory in the attic. The young scientist accidentally makes cyanide, which she puts in a bottle marked with a skull. Shenanigan worries that Inheritance might be right about names deciding Swifts’ destinies because Uncle Maelstrom became a sea captain and Phenomena loves science. Phenomena agrees to help her little sister discover how her name is defined in the family dictionary.

At midnight, Shenanigan and Phenomena sneak into Aunt Schadenfreude’s study. Shenanigan steals the key to the cellar using the expertise she developed by swiping Felicity’s diaries and pickpocketing Uncle Maelstrom. Schadenfreude wears an iron collar even when she sleeps, but no one knows why.

The Swift family commissions gravestones for their children as soon as they’re named, and they’re stored in the cellar while the relatives are alive. Phenomena and Shenanigan look for Shenanigan’s gravestone without success until Felicity comes to their assistance. According to her tombstone, the definition of “shenanigan” is “1. Tomfoolery, skulduggery, mischief of all varieties 2. A devious trick for an underhanded purpose” (48). Shenanigan wants to destroy her gravestone, but Felicity warns her that she might hurt herself. Shenanigan ignores her sister and drops the stone to the floor, breaking it in two. The crash wakes up Schadenfreude, and the girls hurry upstairs and disperse at the sound of her approach. On her way to her room, Shenanigan sees Aunt Inheritance enter the hidden room behind the painting in the corridor.

Shenanigan hides in a vase outside the secret room but falls asleep before Aunt Inheritance emerges. In the morning, the girl returns Aunt Schadenfreude’s keys to her study and climbs onto the roof, where she uses a flashlight to communicate with a friendly neighborhood postman named Suleiman in Morse code. Her vantage point gives her a good view of the cars swarming up to the manor.

One of the many guests is a child about Shenanigan’s age who introduces themself as Erf. Shenanigan and Erf bond over their mutual fondness for amphibians. A young woman named Flora spits coffee beans at the gathered grown-ups, notes that the two children are too young to have attended a family reunion before, and advises them, “Keep your head down, trust no one, and don’t play any games you don’t know the rules to” (59).

A man named Pamplemousse de Pastiche Martinet, who wears a frock coat and bears a sword, pistol, and daggers, challenges a nonplussed relative to a duel over appetizers. Inheritance is Erf’s grandmother and fusses over the child, so Shenanigan comes to their aid by creating a diversion. The grateful Erf explains that they don’t want to wear the nametag with their “Dictionary name” and that they’re “not a boy or a girl” (64). Shenanigan invites her new friend to hide in Phenomena’s lab. Shenanigan bumps into a woman named Atrocious and her brother, Pique. The affluent siblings mock the young girl until Flora comes to her defense. Shenanigan meets Flora’s identical twin, a kindhearted young woman named Fauna. Aunt Schadenfreude summons everyone’s attention by rapping her cane against the floor and announces, “I could die any minute. It’s time to begin” (71).

Aunt Schadenfreude warns her relatives that the house is dangerous and reminds them that at least one person has died while seeking Grand-Uncle Vile’s treasure. Many of the books in the library are booby-trapped, so she locks the room. As the Swift matriarch, Schadenfreude resolves disputes between relatives. Everyone accepts her judgments except for Candour Swift. He asks for her blessing on him and his fiancée, Daisy DeMille, but Schadenfreude declares, “I cannot bless a marriage in which one person is so blatantly leeching off another” (77). She tells Daisy to leave the house at once, but Candour laughs and suggests that they discuss this later. The elderly woman tells the gathered family members that she is “[t]ired of sorting out all [their] problems” and that she will choose her replacement in three days (79).

Aunt Schadenfreude’s announcement sends the family into an uproar. Uncle Maelstrom asks Shenanigan to show Candour and Daisy to their guest room, but Daisy excuses herself. At first, Candour is patronizing about Shenanigan’s interest in Vile’s Hoard, but he quickly apologizes and commends her determination. Candour says that he doesn’t have any interest in the treasure and is content with his career as a doctor.

Later that evening, Shenanigan sees Daisy hurry down the hall to her guest room. The girl travels through a laundry chute that takes her near the kitchen. When she emerges, she sees a group of frantic relatives gathered around Schadenfreude, who is “lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs” (89).