Turtles All the Way Down

Aza feels nervous driving her mother’s car to Applebee’s, remembering her accident. Davis hugs her; he missed her. Aza thinks of Davis putting bacteria into her through kissing. She struggles to push away the unwanted thought and her mind argues with itself. Aza and Davis sit down in the restaurant and Davis asks Aza how she is feeling. Aza replies that in general she is doing well, but not at the moment. Aza cannot be in a relationship or do normal couple things. Davis worries that she does not find him attractive. Aza replies that the problem is that her brain irrationally insists that kissing him will kill her. Aza knows that she is hurting Davis but cannot explain her mental condition.

Aza asks Davis how he and Noah are doing. Noah misses their father and seems to have two personalities, one that acts out by drinking and another who crawls into bed with Davis and cries. Davis does not want to talk about himself. By the end of the meal, their relationship is over. Aza goes home and texts Davis. He replies that she cannot have an in-person relationship, but he needs to be liked close up.

At school, Daisy asks Aza to accompany her to Mychal’s gallery show, which is being held in an underground exhibition in the Pogue’s Run tunnel. This tunnel was part of the project Pickett’s company had been hired to expand, but never finished. Aza is reluctant to go. Daisy feels intimidated by the “cool” art crowd, so Aza agrees. Daisy is so happy that Aza finds herself telling Daisy that she loves her. Daisy and Mychal pick up Aza. Daisy and Aza belt out the song lyrics “you’re everything” in the car and Aza feels that is true. She can control her own story. As Daisy and Mychal sing the next song together, Aza thinks about the turtles all the way down, that the world is the product of evolution, but it is also the compilation of human stories.

At the gallery showing, Mychal’s piece causes a sensation among the hipsters and artists. Aza enjoys the artwork, but starts feeling anxious in the crowd. She asks Daisy to take a walk down the tunnel. Daisy cannot understand how Aza can feel calm in a dark tunnel with rats, but worrying about her finger being infected gives her a panic attack. Aza tells Daisy to turn off her headlamp and they are in pitch darkness. Aza explains that being stuck in the darkness and feeling no sense of bodily position is scary. She turns her light back on; shining a light on the fears is control and power.

Daisy is thinking of killing off Ayala. Aza is starting to like Ayala and compliments Daisy’s writing. She asks that Ayala die a hero. Daisy complains that the smell in the tunnel is worse. Aza can see light ahead and wants to continue to the end. The tunnel opens above the White River. Aza admires the view of the city and feels like she is truly experiencing her conversation with Daisy. Daisy wonders if the Pogue’s Run water treatment tunnel will ever be completed. Aza ponders the name Pogue’s Run and realizes that this is what “the jogger’s mouth” means. Daisy wonders if Pickett is down below them and mentions the smell. Aza and Daisy return to the gallery and retrieve Mychal, who is giddy with excitement over the event.

When Aza returns home, her mother insists hearing about her evening. Aza tells her about the art exhibition and about walking down the tunnel, which may contain Pickett’s body. She will tell Davis, to let him and Noah decide whether to tell the police. Aza explains that the tuatara will inherit Pickett’s estate. Her mother comments about the dangers of worshiping wealth. As she showers, Aza wonders what will happen in her life, how she is free to be anybody.

Aza debates when to text Davis. She remembers when her own father died and how unreal it felt to her. Over the years, she has kept him alive by imagining him, but that ability is fading. Aza texts Davis, saying she needs to talk to him alone. Her mother offers to go to the store when Davis comes over. As usual, Aza’s mother asks if she is feeling anxious. Aza asks her mother to allow her to say when she has a mental health concern. Her mother agrees to try and they say “I love you.”

Davis arrives and Aza tells him that she realized that “the jogger’s mouth” is Pogue’s Run. Davis asks if she thinks his father has been hiding there all along and Aza replies that there was a very bad smell in the tunnel. Davis thinks that could mean anything, but he begins to cry. Aza comforts Davis, who tearfully asks what he should do. Aza suggests that Davis can keep the house and estate for seven years, while his father legally remains alive, by not telling anyone. Aza’s mother returns home. Davis thanks Aza and leaves.

Aza texts Davis that night, but he does not reply. Aza texts Daisy, who offers to come over. Aza reads Daisy’s latest story. Daisy comments that their own story all worked out in the end. Aza points out she lacerated her liver and Harold died; Aza believes there are no happy endings because all stories end with death. Daisy asserts that one can frame the end and beginning of one’s story. Davis does not respond to Aza’s text, but he updates his blog with a quote and a comment that he understands that nothing lasts, but he still misses everybody so much.

A month later, Aza sees a television news report that Pickett’s body was found after an anonymous tip. Aza texts Davis, who eventually replies that he and Noah had decided to tell the police. Aza tells her mother that she is worried that she should not have told Davis. Her mother tells Aza to be kind to herself and that the truth was important to Davis. Aza’s familiar compulsion arises and she digs her fingernail into her callus, which had finally healed, then washes and rebandages her finger. Aza feels like she will never be free of her illness. Aza texts Davis again, but he does not reply. She tells herself to go on and silently says the same to Davis.

Over the next few months, Aza feels better, though never completely well. She and Daisy hang out together. Aza misses Davis and the others who are missing from her life. In April, Davis comes to Aza’s house. He gives her the painting she had admired in his house. Davis tries to leave quickly, but Aza asks him to wait. They lay on the ground and look at the sky. Davis tells Aza that he and Noah are moving to Colorado, where Noah will attend a school for troubled kids. Aza asks why Davis told the police about his father. Davis replies that not knowing if their father was alive was too hard for Noah. Davis realized that being a big brother had to be his role in life. Aza tells him that he is a good big brother. Davis wants to stay in that moment for a long time. Aza thinks about the stars and realizes that spirals can grow smaller, but they can also get bigger if you follow them out. Aza thinks that she may love Davis for the rest of her life.

The narrative changes, with “Future Aza” remembering that moment with Davis. Adult Aza’s younger self did not know then that she would grow up to marry, have children, become mentally ill enough to be hospitalized twice, and continue her life. A doctor would tell Aza to write down her story, to figure out how she got where she is. Adult Aza’s younger self did not know how she would keep the spiral painting from Davis throughout her life and that Daisy would remain her best friend. Her life would be built and rebuilt. She would learn that you remember your first love because that love makes you into the person you become. In the moment, Aza and Davis hold hands and look at the sky. Davis says goodbye, but Aza remains hopeful that he will want to see her again.