Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

It’s two in the morning, and a married couple, Martha (age 52) and George (age 46), loudly enter the living room of their home located on the campus of a small college in New England. They have just come from a faculty party thrown by Martha’s father. They begin insulting and scolding each other. Martha quotes a line from a Bette Davis movie: “What a dump!” (3), and then describes the film, irked when George doesn’t know the title.

Martha complains that George didn’t socialize at the party, and George exclaims, “Do you want me to go around all night braying at everybody, the way you do?” (7). This hurts Martha’s feelings, and George walks the comment back. Martha tells George to make her a drink. He agrees that a nightcap is in order, and Martha reminds him that they have invited a young couple over. George is baffled, and Martha describes the young, attractive professor, new to the math department, and his wife, who she calls, “a mousey little type” (10).

George wonders why they have invited the couple over so late, and Martha replies, “Daddy said we should be nice to them” (10). George grumbles that Martha is constantly surprising him, and Martha mocks him. She sings, “Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?” (12) and goads him for laughing at her pun at the party but not now. Martha drinks, and the two take more jabs at each other. George makes fun of her for being older, and Martha calls him bald. Martha demands a kiss, but George says no, teasing that he would get too excited and then their guests might walk in on them doing something untoward.

Martha complains that George doesn’t put enough ice in her drink, and George replies that he always does, but she chews it up like a dog, adding that she’ll crack her huge teeth. Martha asks for another drink, putting on a baby voice, which appalls George. Martha says, “I swear…if you existed I’d divorce you” (16), insisting that he is nothing and she has been looking through him for years. Seeing that she is drunk, George tells her to keep her clothes on to avoid disgusting their visitors. The doorbell rings, and they argue about who will answer it as the guests start to knock.

George gives in, warning Martha as he goes to the door, “Just don’t start in on the bit about the kid” (18). Martha exclaims she has as much right to talk about him as he does. George opens the door just as Martha screams, “SCREW YOU!” (19). He is delighted to see Nick and Honey’s frozen discomfort, indicating that they heard Martha’s outburst. Drunkenly, Martha ushers them into the house. Nick and Honey start to suggest that perhaps it is too late for a visit, but Martha insists that they sit down. George imitates Honey’s nervous laugh, and Martha tries to hit him. George feigns innocence. They make awkward pleasantries, and Nick asks about an abstract painting. Nick stammers to explain what he sees in the painting, and George teases him by finishing his sentences and playing with words. Nick, humorless, is offended at George’s kidding, and George apologizes. George explains that the painting is “a pictorial representation of the order of Martha’s mind” (23). Laughing mockingly, Martha tells George to make drinks for all of them.

George offers Martha some rubbing alcohol, and Martha agrees, quipping that she should stick with what she’s been drinking all night. George explains that Martha used to love fancy cocktails, but now she just drinks plain alcohol. George hands out the drinks and toasts, “For the mind’s blind eye, the heart’s ease, and the liver’s craw” (24). Martha implies that his poetry is sexually exciting her, and George chides her vulgarity. Martha starts singing, “Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf” (25) again. Nick and Honey exclaim that they found it funny, and Martha complains that George didn’t find it funny enough at the party.

Nick and Honey compliment the party and Martha’s father for hosting it. Martha and George start to banter about her father, but Nick and Honey keep chattering about how no one had greeted them or helped them to acclimate at Nick’s previous academic job. Martha praises her father, and George tells Nick that being married to the president of the university where you teach is not the easiest thing.

Martha argues loudly that he ought to see it as an opportunity, but George finds it emasculating. Martha growls at George, and Honey intervenes in the rising conflict by asking for the bathroom. George tells Martha to show her, and Martha agrees, wanting to give Honey a tour of the house. George warns her again not to mention “you-know-what” (29), but Martha insists hotly that she can bring up anything she wants. Martha exits with Honey.

George refills Nicks drink and asks, “That what you were drinking over at Parnassus?” (30) Nick is perplexed at the reference, and George brushes it off as an inside joke with Martha. The men talk, and Nick clarifies that he isn’t in the Math Department. George asks why Nick chose to teach, and Nick hesitates uneasily. George pushes Nick mockingly, and Nick gets angry, announcing that he and Honey are going to leave when she returns. George attempts to deescalate and ply Nick with another drink, but Nick is uncomfortable that when they arrived George and Martha had seemed to mid-fight.

George reassures him that they were only “walking what’s left of our wits” (34), and that Nick need not be concerned. Nick doesn’t want to be in anyone’s personal business, but George replies that he won’t have a choice, because it’s a small college and “musical beds is the faculty sport” (34). Nick asks, “Sir?” (34), and George expresses that he doesn’t like being made to feel old. Nick reveals that he is 28, and George says that he’s in his forties, although he looks much older. George asks Nick his weight, and then speculates about Honey’s weight, comparing her to Martha, who George says is 108 years old and weighs more than Honey. George comments on Honey’s narrow hips.

Nick says that he is in the Biology Department, not the Math Department, and George realizes who he is, identifying, “You’re the one’s going to make all that trouble…making everyone the same, rearranging the chromozones [sic], or whatever it is” (37). Nick corrects George’s mispronunciation, and George expresses his mistrust, wondering if people ever learn from history and noting that he is in the History Department, although Martha likes to remind him that he doesn’t run it.

During the war, George says, he had run the History Department because there had been so many people deployed. However, George muses, he had only run it for four years because not one person had been killed. George comments again that Honey has slim hips, and Nick reluctantly agrees. George wonders what the two women are doing. With fake merriment, Nick replies, “You know women” (39), and George repeats that no one was killed in the war. George asks Nick if he has kids, and Nick says that he doesn’t yet. He asks George the same question, and George replies cryptically, “That’s for me to know and you to find out” (40).

George brings up biologists making babies in test tubes and asks again if Nick plans to have kids. Nick affirms that he does once he and Honey feel settled. George questions whether Nick expects to stay and be happy there, and Nick hopes that he does, admitting that he probably won’t stay forever. George warns him not to let Martha’s father hear that, as he demands absolute loyalty for life. One professor, George comments, had fallen over and died in the cafeteria. Conspiratorially, George claims that Martha’s father is rumored to be two hundred years old.

George yells for Martha, telling Nick that he certainly doesn’t know everything about women, including what they discuss when they are off together. Martha bellows back. Nick suggests that women probably talk about themselves. George questions whether Nick finds women to be perplexing, and Nick hedges. George starts after Martha but runs into Honey. George and Martha shout at each other again across the house. Honey explains that Martha is changing her dress, possibly to be more comfortable, and George is amazed.

Cheerfully, Honey mentions that she has just learned that George and Martha have a son. George reacts with shock that Martha has told her, but Honey chirps that the son’s 21st birthday is tomorrow. George puts the pieces together and understands what Martha is doing. Honey becomes nervous and asks for another drink. Honey asks for the time. It is 2:30am, and she suggests they should be leaving. Rudely but absently, George asks if they need to relieve the babysitter, and Nick reminds him warningly that they don’t have kids.

George stops them from going, noting that Martha doesn’t change her clothes just for him, that Martha’s father is their boss, and that Martha is his “right ball, you might say” (47). Nick asks George to refrain from vulgarities in front of Honey, and George is surprised at the gesture. Martha returns in a sexy dress, which George sardonically calls her “Sunday chapel dress” (47). Nick responds with appreciation. Honey calls it attractive with a hint of disapproval. Martha tells George to make her a drink, a request that George finishes for her in baby-talk.

Martha tells Nick that Honey mentioned that he had gotten his master’s degree at age 19. Nick demurs. George is impressed but somber. Martha jabs at George for not being the head of the History Department, but George replies that they had already discussed it. Martha starts to mock George. She says that he’s “bogged down in the History Department, […] A G.D. swamp” and calls him “Swampy” (50), which George deflects. Martha asks him to light her cigarette. George refuses, commenting, “I mean man can put up with only so much without he descends a rung or two on the old evolutionary ladder” (51).

After an uncomfortable moment, Martha exclaims that she learned from Honey that Nick had played football. Nick concurs, although he states that he had been a better boxer. Martha looks appreciatively at his body and wonders if he has stayed in fighting shape. George warns her, but Martha persists. Nick and Honey both admit that he has. Nick is proud, but George is embarrassed. Martha explains that George doesn’t like when people talk about bodies because it draws attention to his own. Martha goads George to tell them about their boxing match. Sickly, George says that Martha should tell it and then exits.

Martha explains that about twenty years ago, her father had decided that the men should take up boxing for the sake of physical fitness. Her father had invited George to spar, but George had declined. So, Martha had put on some gloves, surprised George from behind, and punched him in the face, sending him crashing into the bushes. Martha admits that it was terrible, but also laughs, noting, “I think it’s colored our whole life. Really I do!” (57) George enters quietly, holding his hands behind his back and advancing. At first the others don’t see him, but then Honey notices. George brandishes a shotgun and points it at Martha’s head from behind. Honey screams.

Martha turns and looks at him, and George pulls the trigger. Only flowers pop out of the barrel, and George says, “You’re dead! Pow! You’re dead!” (57) Nick laughs with relief, and Martha joins in, surprised. George laughs too, but Honey is distraught and expresses her fright. Martha enjoyed the prank and asks George for a kiss. George promises, “Later, sweetie” (58), indicating their guests. But Martha persists and they kiss. She places his hand on her breast, and George accuses Martha of wanting to play dirty games for Nick and Honey. Martha is angry and hurt.

George puts the flowers back in the gun and offers everyone fresh drinks. Honey says again to Martha that she was terrified, but Martha is seething with anger. Martha mocks the idea that George might kill her, but George says that he might do it one day. Martha flirts with Nick as he exits to the bathroom. George mentions Nick’s research with chromosomes, stating, “You’ve got quite a…terrifying husband” (62). Honey doesn’t understand.

Martha insists that Nick is in the Math Department, but George and Honey correct her until she moodily agrees. Martha decides that biology is better field. Nick returns and Martha resumes flirting with him. Martha goads George, who expresses his desire to see her submerged in cement. Martha brings the conversation back to Nick’s research, and George asserts again that his goal to rearrange chromosomes and create genetically perfect men will result in a race of people that all resemble Nick. Martha likes this idea, but George continues, pointing out that some men will be forcefully stopped from reproducing, and a homogenous society will probably not have any art or humanities. George compares this idea to the rise of fascism in Germany, promising that he will fight Nick to save Berlin. Honey, who is drunk, tells Nick that she had no idea what he was working on, and Nick becomes angry. George states, “The most profound indication of social malignancy…no sense of humor” (68).

George insists that he knows history, and Nick jokes that he doesn’t know science. But George replies that he recognizes a threat. Martha flirts with Nick more, and he responds with vulgarity, which horrifies Honey. Nick tries to placate her. Honey regains composure and then, giggling, abruptly asks George about their son. Sarcastically, George relays the question to Martha, who no longer wants to discuss it, but George presses her for bringing him up at all. Drunkenly, Honey asks again when their son will be home. Meanly, Martha tells them that George doesn’t believe that he is their son’s father, but George insists that Martha is lying and that he is certainly the father.

Martha tells everyone that she has been college-educated, and George remarks that she has also been to a convent when she was young. Martha calls herself an atheist, although she seems unsure, and George corrects her, calling her “the only true pagan on the eastern seaboard” who “paints blue circles around her things” (73). George gives everyone more drinks. Martha describes their son’s eyes, and she and George argue about the color. Martha insists that they’re green like her father’s, and George retorts that he has red eyes like a mouse. Martha tells them that George hates her father because he feels inadequate himself. George exits to get more alcohol and restock the bar.

Martha says that she had been raised by her father after her mother died, and that he made the college what it is. While she was in school, Martha had briefly married a gardener, but her father had put a quick end to that. After college, Martha had decided that she would “marry into the college” (79), which meant finding someone on the faculty to marry who could run the college after her father retired. George returns and asks what Martha is saying, and she tells him to sit and listen. He does, agreeably. Martha continues, explaining that she had met George and fallen for him. Then George interjects, realizing that the story she’s telling ends with the story of their son and demanding that she stop. But Martha refuses, amazed when George warns her not to keep going.

Unperturbed, Martha explains how George was supposed to become the head of the History Department and eventually the college, but after a while, her father had determined that George wasn’t fit to take over. George smashes a bottle of liquor and tells Martha again to stop. Martha continues, describing the mismatch between the daughter of the president and “this flop” (85) as George tries to drown her out by singing the song about Virginia Woolf. Drunk, Honey joins in and Martha screams at them to stop. Suddenly, Honey rushes off to vomit and Nick follows her. Martha looks at George with hatred and exits behind them. George remains onstage alone.